My (F22) autistic boyfriend (M30) says and does abusive things

Sweetheart, you're 22, you shouldn't be having to put up with this. No one should have to put up with this at any age, don't get me wrong, but you're young and have a life to live. You should be out with your mates having fun without having to deal with this nonsense from your boyfriend. As an Autistic person myself, I can wholeheartedly promise you that Autism doesn't excuse the kind of behaviour he is exhibiting. Believe me, I know it's easier said than done, but please, please get out of this relationship. As others have said, turn to Women's Aid or a similar organisation if you feel this would help – they're there to support people in situations like yours. But please, whatever you do, get out. He needs to take responsibility for his own responses to situations and his own behaviour, including his drug abuse (the fact that you're having to spend money on weed for him isn't fair on you at all). It sounds like things are difficult for him and I wish him well, but to be very blunt, it isn't your problem. He needs professional help. You're a young girl and you need to be away from people who emotionally abuse you, and you need to put your own needs before those of someone who seems determined not to help himself. You deserve so much better.

I just remembered, there's someone I know who has seizures as well, and he has a seizure dog, and these dogs are trained to bark to alert others of someone having a seizure, protect the person from moving by lying down next to them, and they could be trained to set off an alarm. Even if the seizures are rare, it's important to have someone alerted to know that it's happening, to prevent injury and keep the person safe.

Also I think that he should look into what kind of financial assistance he can claim for his disability, and not just depend on you to provide everything for him (house, money, etc.), while he's being aggressive towards you. I mean, like he said, you two are grown adults, so he needs to get his medical stuff in order, and not make that your responsibility, I mean you dish out money to pay for his weed and everything else, while he's treating you like crap, as if you're not doing enough for him, but he's not doing anything for you. If you're grown adults, then he can take care of his own problems without dragging you into it, forcing you to handle all his problems for him, because that's not fair for you.

I've grown up with someone who has high narcissistic traits and low empathy, and in early childhood they seem like they had symptoms of ADHD, and they had trouble focusing in school, which lead to a lot of negative feedback from teachers, students, and parents, and that created a deeply rooted level of shame, and shame is the core issue of NPD. Those with ADHD might have issues with cause and effect, which is similar to those with NPD too.

ADHD can also cause mood regulation difficulties, like they can feel irritable, angry, short temper, and have outbursts of rage, which are similar symptoms of those with NPD. But not everyone with ADHD develops NPD. I think it has to do with upbringing. But ADHD has medication and treatment options, whereas NPD does not. 

I would not like to accuse anyone of being a narcissist just to put them down or anything. There are people who's diagnosed with NPD, and they call themselves a narcissist, and I like to talk about the traits they have and make connections, but I do not like to demonize them.

Ah got it.

Yes, I actually do agree with you on this. The current length of the relationship along with the immediate red flags, doesn't warrant more investment from her.

I see your point about who the original poster is in the context of this discussion. So that does make a lot of sense. I have difficulty putting myself in another's shoes and tend to just look at a situation and pick at it from multiple angles, sometimes missing the pertinent point of the discussion.

Before I get misrepresented, I wasn't suggesting that she became his rescuer, nor that anybody was responsible for becoming his rescuer.

I suppose I felt I might be able to help the discussion in some way, from a different angle, but I can see  now that might have been a misplaced assessment. Context.

Thanks for your reply.

This is really toxic behaviour from him. I work with people who have been subjected to violence and if this is the behaviour 3 months in, it is only likely to get worse. 

I'd advise you to leave him now whilst you aren't too invested. If you need support to do this you can get help from Women's Aid and there may be other local organisations to you too. His housing situation isn't your issue - was he homeless when you met him? How has he ended up living with you so quickly? 

Replying to your comment because the website doesn't work properly on my phone. 

I'm not saying they can't change, I'm saying they aren't going to change quick enough to make this realistic. I'd never advocate for anyone to stay with an abuser (it's my area of work). The risks are too high, and in this case the relationship is extremely new.

If her partner was the poster then fine, explore his issues, but he isn't and nobody should be encouraging her to be his rescuer.

Not sure why you are replying to my comment...

You are right that this person is an abuser. And you are right that the OP should be enjoying her life rather than suffering. And she should probably get out of that relationship.

But part of your comment is a very negative view of a person's ability to redeem themselves, with appropriate help, along with a poor view of the possible longevity of relationships.

I thought the point of this forum was to share experiences and knowledge with the view to solve problems. It's all good and well trying to solve one problem while totally ignoring that other related problems also need to be addressed, but it's a bit short sighted.

If we don't want to discuss these negative behaviours and their causes, how can we possibly hope to reduce any future occurrence?

The only important factor here is that this man is an abuser. He isn't going to change in the time frame that is going to make staying in this relationship worthwhile. 

Run for the hills. At 22 you should be enjoying life, not stuck with some loser who has problems with his fragile ego. 

If it's only been 3 months I would advise you to just leave. It won't be worth it in the long run, really.

Thanks for the reply.

I wasn't in any way trying to excuse his behaviour, nor imply that it was your responsibility to fix it or put up with it. It was more about expressing from the other side how these behaviours can be difficult to understand or control.

Probably the best solution then would be to give him an ultimatum. Or chuck him out immediately. Your safety and wellbeing comes first, so seek assistance if necessary.

My response to you was, in part, a response to other comments too.

You, the recipient of his abusive behaviour, come first. Protect yourself, and do what you need to do.

That does not negate the fact that he has a problem that needs to be addressed. My intention was that if everybody views him as the enemy, his problems will likely not be dealt with properly, and so the cycle will continue, whether that be with you, or with somebody else.

At some point somebody, somewhere, will need to make an intervention but it would be better to be sorted before things become very serious or dangerous.

Again, this wasn't a defence of him, nor an attack on you.

I hope you manage to get this situation fixed swiftly and safely.

Take care.

I've only been with him for 3 months, and I've spent the entire time listening to his stuff from the other side. In these months he moved in immediately, bought me loads of gifts and said he loved me within the week. I've went out with my friends twice, and he's accused me of things each time, and then brought up previous arguements that he genuinely made up. He shouted through my door for hours, despite how I begged him not to wake up the neighbours. The only time I've met his friend, he said that he didn't like how his friend was around me and how he noticed how different he was, and I never saw his friend again.

Im not someone who usually puts up with this ***. Its Certainly not my task to help him.

That article looks interesting. I'll give it a proper read later.

cheers.

EDIT:

Yep, some of that stuff definitely sounds like me...

Agreed. 

I think at a younger age, even a smaller age gap has a bigger influence compared to older people with a much larger age gap, in spite of generational differences.

But when you think about percentage of time lived, 8yrs is significant. Again, not suggesting that's actually the problem

Excellent discussion 

Again, I've not been diagnosed ADHD but I have an assessment (I think it's an assessment) in a couple of weeks. But when I've read about and watched videos about ADHD and negative life choices, a lot of it rings true for me. Some of his behaviours are very similar to my own early behaviours, before I managed to find some kind of stability.

Psychology and mental health are very far from my field of knowledge, but from what I gather NPD is not as common as people like to think, and there are so many similar and overlapping conditions.

I do think that the labels narcissist, sociopath, and psychopath are so ingrained in the minds of most people that it's the first thing that most people think of.

I've been accused of being narcissistic, and many people display a bit of it, and I've asked myself if I'm a narcissist, but apparently a narcissist would never actually ask that question, hahaha.

Agree with this, although the age difference isn't huge, there are A LOT of generational differences between a 30 year old and a 22 year old. 

Might just not be a very good dynamic coupled with whatever issues he has.

Now that you mention it, I recall reading about the similarities between ADHD and NPD. It was from this link. I hope it's okay to share links. The post is called "ADHD and Lacking Empathy: Was I Raising a Narcissist?" by Gina Pera.

https://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-and-lacking-empathy-was-i-raising-a-narcissist/

Basically, a young girl shows traits of narcissism and a lack of empathy and irritability. Her mother has ADHD and took medication for it. But the grandmother and grandfather displayed narcissistic traits and behaviors, and these traits just seemed to run in the family, but they refused to get tested for ADHD as they saw nothing wrong with themselves.

The girl got diagnosed for ADHD, and she took medication. Her mood was more stable, she could empsthise with classmates, and she could make connections between cause and effect, which she previously had issues with doing.

I think that the term narcissism and the traits attributed to it just seems a psychologist's observations based on behaviors, but ADHD is what's going on in the brain. But not everyone with ADHD has NPD though. I think NPD requires a lot of shame, possibly from not being able to focus in school, and then defense mechanisms form against feelings of shame.

I guess my intention for stating narcissism was because the behaviors in the original post reminded me of personality disorders, but it's likely that his behaviors are from his ADHD that he's been trying to self-medicate through taking weed in order to try to regulate his mood.  

So perhaps if he gets treatment for his ADHD, his mood and behaviors will improve.

As an addition to my other comment, I noticed the age difference.

Not that this is an 'issue', but on top of other things, it might be that he is using it as a power play, He might have the delusion that being older makes him 'wiser', more experienced, or provides him with some dominant attribute.

Just another thing that might be complicating the situation.

Well I think that there are different levels of trust. Some people might be trusted to talk to about personal problems, but I think it's generally agreed upon to keep sensitive information, like bank information, passwords, and credit card information a secret, and not to trust anyone else with that kind of information. So I agree that it's impossible to trust anyone completely. 

Narcissism does seem to be a favorite catch all for certain personality disorders at the moment. But I'm not saying that isn't what the issue is here.

Another possibility, which I am obviously slightly biased toward, is ADHD.

Alcohol and cannabis use is highly prevalent in people with ADHD. As is criminal and anti-social behaviour, particularly in males. Mood swings, motivational issues, and explosive and impulsive behaviours are also big issues.

During my assessment I mentioned a couple of times about whether I might be a sociopath, or BPD, as teenage friends hinted at sociopathy, but  the assessor didn't really dwell on the idea nor mention it as something worth investigating.

Now maybe they had no expertise about those particular issues, but the only thing that came up in my report was, ASD, alexithymia, and the display of cardinal ADHD traits.  I was hinting at possible BPD but it didn't come to anything.

I've also had friends and clients who work in and around various clinical and therapeutic settings, some dealing with very disturbing situations and behaviours, and nobody has mentioned any hint of me possibly having those disorders. 

But some did hint at autism, ADHD.

It's all quite fascinating

Thank you for that. Your definition of narcissism is very useful, and is giving me a different perspective on some of my own current and past issues. I really worried about that line "Narcissism is antisocial (anti- meaning against socializing, against society) and they see others as distrustworthy, enemies, and people they can take advantage of". Until I realsed that whilst my own interactions with society include all of the above in various qualities, I also see other people as potential allies, I see people I can let take advantage of me for the pleasure of helping them, but I never fully trust them. You just can't trust humans completely in my experience, they will always throw you under the bus eventually. The best I think one can do, is become so adroit at rolling out of the way of the bus, that you can live with the hazard, adn not hate them for providing it, any more than you hate gravity when you trip up..