My (F22) autistic boyfriend (M30) says and does abusive things

Sweetheart, you're 22, you shouldn't be having to put up with this. No one should have to put up with this at any age, don't get me wrong, but you're young and have a life to live. You should be out with your mates having fun without having to deal with this nonsense from your boyfriend. As an Autistic person myself, I can wholeheartedly promise you that Autism doesn't excuse the kind of behaviour he is exhibiting. Believe me, I know it's easier said than done, but please, please get out of this relationship. As others have said, turn to Women's Aid or a similar organisation if you feel this would help – they're there to support people in situations like yours. But please, whatever you do, get out. He needs to take responsibility for his own responses to situations and his own behaviour, including his drug abuse (the fact that you're having to spend money on weed for him isn't fair on you at all). It sounds like things are difficult for him and I wish him well, but to be very blunt, it isn't your problem. He needs professional help. You're a young girl and you need to be away from people who emotionally abuse you, and you need to put your own needs before those of someone who seems determined not to help himself. You deserve so much better.

I just remembered, there's someone I know who has seizures as well, and he has a seizure dog, and these dogs are trained to bark to alert others of someone having a seizure, protect the person from moving by lying down next to them, and they could be trained to set off an alarm. Even if the seizures are rare, it's important to have someone alerted to know that it's happening, to prevent injury and keep the person safe.

Also I think that he should look into what kind of financial assistance he can claim for his disability, and not just depend on you to provide everything for him (house, money, etc.), while he's being aggressive towards you. I mean, like he said, you two are grown adults, so he needs to get his medical stuff in order, and not make that your responsibility, I mean you dish out money to pay for his weed and everything else, while he's treating you like crap, as if you're not doing enough for him, but he's not doing anything for you. If you're grown adults, then he can take care of his own problems without dragging you into it, forcing you to handle all his problems for him, because that's not fair for you.

Well I think that there are different levels of trust. Some people might be trusted to talk to about personal problems, but I think it's generally agreed upon to keep sensitive information, like bank information, passwords, and credit card information a secret, and not to trust anyone else with that kind of information. So I agree that it's impossible to trust anyone completely. 

Thank you for that. Your definition of narcissism is very useful, and is giving me a different perspective on some of my own current and past issues. I really worried about that line "Narcissism is antisocial (anti- meaning against socializing, against society) and they see others as distrustworthy, enemies, and people they can take advantage of". Until I realsed that whilst my own interactions with society include all of the above in various qualities, I also see other people as potential allies, I see people I can let take advantage of me for the pleasure of helping them, but I never fully trust them. You just can't trust humans completely in my experience, they will always throw you under the bus eventually. The best I think one can do, is become so adroit at rolling out of the way of the bus, that you can live with the hazard, adn not hate them for providing it, any more than you hate gravity when you trip up.. 

1.5 grammes a day of modern bud is apparently considered heavy use. That's 15 quid a day or 450 quid a month.

That is a lot of money to have to find...

I'm always in favour of saving a relationship and working at it as far as is possible, even in my previous life where I was actually the bread winner, and not living more like your chap is now, I still tried my hardest to keep a failing relationship afloat, until she called time on it. But it does sound like your guy has painted himself (and you!) into a corner here, financially if in no other way, simply with his weed habit, and that needs to change...

Here is some vital financial advice for both of you. Until you can manage to save a bit of money regularly, some way, some how, you will ALWAYS be under "pressure of money". I started out with £2 coins after meeting a guy who had bought his new 400 quid laptop from his £2 coin savings. A huge weed habit, is not your friend, nor is it good value for money.

I've got a mate who blazes a truly fantastic amount of weed every day, but he keeps his act together, goes to work, and is a sucessful family guy, and I envy him that ability. Even on my (currently peaking) 4 -7 Gramme a week habit, I struggle to keep my aspect pleasant, and pay my way. I know I need to get my act more together and stop "waking and baking", your guy has an even bigger problem. If I was him, I'd make it a priority to have a few weeks off the weed, and take a look at things.

YOU on the other hand, need to decide if you are happy to let this go on. If you cannot gently get him to see things your way and collaborate to make changes that make you lives happier and easier, then you will need to create a different life in your mind, and go and live it, whilst you stilll can.  

So he acts like that, and he uses you for weed? If he was serious about his health condition, he'd find a way to deal with his health issues on his own and find a way to pay for it without involving you, like by getting a job or going through government financial assistance program.

I saw your message that he sits down with you to talk to you and discuss things with you like fully grown adults, and of course he'll do that, because you're his bank account, you're were he gets his money from. If he upsets you and you leave him, he will have no more free money from you. 

This just sounds very unhealthy. I mean, if a friend was in your situation, what would you think? Would you like your friend being yelled at and lied to and used for their money? That's not very nice.

He seems very chaotic and stress provoking, and he seems unable to regulate his emotions, and by your descriptions of him, it makes me think of descriptions of personality disorders.

I know there's comparisons being made between autism and narcissism sometimes, and although both have issues socializing and displaying empathy, their outputs are different.

I'd say that autism is asocial (a- meaning lacking social awareness) and there can be a type of cluelessness about them when socializing (what kind of body language or facial expression would be appropriate for this situation? They might have some social awkwardness, and the topics they discuss can be catered towards their own special interests, and they speak genuinely when talking about a topic they like. Socializing can overwhelming and draining which leads to social withdrawal, so they need a lot of personal space to recover, or else they will have a meltdown, but after some rest they feel a lot better.

Narcissism is antisocial (anti- meaning against socializing, against society) and they see others as distrustworthy, enemies, and people they can take advantage of. Socializing is a transaction for them, it's either people are a threat or a benefit,. There's chaos, control, blame, jealousy, guilt-tripping, gaslighting. There's a flip in personalities, between being charming and being degrading, there's lovebombing and devaluation. There's a bunch of things like it's a rollarcoaster ride. There's a selfishness about them that ruins things for those around them. They always take from others, and they expect others to always give to them.

Are you crazy? 55 years old and no baggage? You are hot property in some circles my friend!

(Thanks for extending the respect, I don't often attract that, and it's a heady feeling this early in the morning!).

Seriously. For you, "Games people Play" by Eric Berne, It's a book about relationships. where he explains how aspects of relationships work, in a way that an 25 year old "incel" engineer like myself surrounded by pseudo friends and coming from an abusive background was able to parlay into a real change of pace & aspect.

I was not designed or brought up to be a good person to know. I recognised however, that an isolated hermit life, was not really what I wanted (full time), and that in order to interact with these mysterious people outside of my head, and do it well, I needed to understand them and myself a bit more.

I'm not sure how helpful "spamming" the little book as I do here some days actually is, but I can say that the few other people I've met in life who have read this book all seem to rate it and have found it useful. Just because you have learned from a book what you need to know in order to be able to form and sustain relationships, does not make the knowledge any less real or valuable to the people you apply it to (including yourself) as having it baked into your genes like most seem to have to a greater degree.

Regardless of what is causing this behaviour, you need to leave. You don't need to save him or change him. The abuse will only escalate. If HE cared about the risk of homelessness then he would treat you better already. The fact that he doesn't shows his confidence in his control over you. 

NAS15878 said:

Anyway, it sounds like maybe he needs to try relying on a support worker more, and less on you. and a referral for CBT.

I agree.

Also smoking more weed makes people more tolerant and so have to smoke more for the same effect but I cannot say much because If I have no weed and I have £20 spare I will spend it on weed. I have none of either at the moment so I will have to do without but I am not having any withdrawal symptoms

I found your post an interesting read especially section 6. I am 55 years old and was diagnosed a few months ago. I now feel I have little hope in getting what I want (a girlfriend or/and sex which I have never experienced). Before being diagnosed I thought I was just unlucky but now I know it is because of my autism. Sometimes I find it hard to cope.

Reading section 6 has made me have respect for you. I only wish I could have the same mindset

I dont think it's down to his autism (not just his autism anyway). I think it is the smoking too

Some people are just not very high functioning when using weed, especially EVERY DAY. It makes them zombie like and very dazed and confused.

Reminds me of my ex boyfriend who was so emotionally baffling. He smoked so much every day, and it did not help him, and lot of his behaviour in our relationship was emotional thrill-seeking. Same for a couple of my old friends, who lived life on autopilot and did not know how to deal with new issues in their lives. They would rant a lot and display very illogical and inconsequential reasoning skills when trying to deal with their own issues. Going round and round in circles like your boyfriend.

I'm not slamming the use of marijuana, but just like all other types of medication, it's not right for everyone and it can be abused to a point where it is unhelpful and unhealthy.

Anyway, it sounds like maybe he needs to try relying on a support worker more, and less on you. and a referral for CBT.

Hes been smoking mine too. I used to spend £180 a month on it. He spends his entire disability on weed, because he ends up borrowing money and weed

NAS76012 said:

he smokes an ounce in a few days

Does he say he smokes about an ounce in a few days or are you having a guesstimate? I am asking this because it is very unlikely he smokes that much. If he does then he must be spending around £1500 a month on it

I'm in a similar situation, and I play the male part in the story. But slightly better, I hope...

1. The insecurity. I have it sometimes, I decided to own it. Even when I didn't know I was autistic (the first 59 years!), I decided it was MY problem and best dealt with quietly. I've been known to "trust but verify" on the few ocasions when it has got unbearable, but generally once I realsied that no one can fool me for ever, (or even very long) and that I don't have to KNOW RIGHT NOW, I can wait, things got a lot more manageable. The important thing is to not make it anyoen elses problem, becuise it simply is not FAIR.

2. Choice. The name given to people who cannot choose to do good things, is bad people. Or if they have it really bad, MAD people. Autism does push one towards the dark side if you let it, so I've studied the concepts of good and evil since I was a nipper, and I've always tried my darndest to at least be certain of my "alignment" at any given time. I also rely hugely on the people I can trust to give me honest feedback, as to my orientation as they see it.

3. Weed. Can be cripplingly expensive nowadays. Citizens advice told me to grow my own, when I had a money advice session. There was no other personal economy I could make that I was not already doing. An economy that does work well, is to take a few weeks off from time to time and examine the changes that happen. It's kinda like a mind altering experience in and of itself for a long term pothead, and I find it quite enjoyable, but always revert back to smoking a weed. Isn't the whole point of using weed to open my mind and ease frustration? In my case it suppresses my inclination to act precipitously (or at all if I smoke just a BIT too much!!) which is good, but proper work often requires a clearer head. The tendancy to "Wake and bake" can cripple my productivity on occasion. ALL WEED is just as bad as NO WEED. MY most productive and balanced life was when I got up, and did not smoke any dope until my working day was over. Just go and attend your nearest 420 celebration next April, and ask yourself, what does this look like? Have they even managed any signage extolling the virtues of our favourite vegetation. OR was it as much as they could do to find a tent and relocate the bong to outdoors for a few hours? Weed has it's good sides and it's bad sides. As a constant daily user it is easy to end up with an unreasonably rosy view of oneself and ones position in life, being happy whilst all around you crumbles. Sometimes you just have to take one for the team and take a few days out. 48 hours of sweatyness and a somewhat shortened temper is about the worst that you can expect, by way of withdrawal effects, 

4. Work. I've realised that there is a profound difference between hard work and soul destroying struggle. I quite enjoy hard work, I've NO TIME any more for "struggle". (My struggles are against my own nature, I simply do not need any external struggle as well!) Once your guy gets this, he may be able to find best ways of using himself in life. I wish I had figured it our earlier.

5. The relationship. Many men find themselves in a battle between biology and social programming today. Biology tries to push us one way (towards reproduction, taking control, and BEING A MAN), society currently tells us there is no difference between men and women (but if there was any difference  men would be in the wrong and need to change, doubly so if they are white!) and that heterosexual reproduction and traditional families are a throwback to a dark age where only women were oppressed or paid any sort of price. A lot of men need worthwhile* work, and a feeling of being in charge (however illusory!) in order to feel "sane" I know I do! I've had a long slog creating my own "worthwhile work", with many reverses along the away, and I'm slowly but surely taking charge of my life again. 

6. The Autism. It has it's good points, but if it wasn't a pain in the backside, it would not have a name and a place in the medical liiterature. There were two paths which opened up to me after diagnosis.

A: This is what I am stuck with, things really will NOT get better for me, I may as well give up trying to do the things I know I cannot do.     

B: I  have this thing that makes me different to others. It clearly makes me annoying to many, and makes "the many" annoying to me. How am I going to take charge of and manage this situation? What unique advantages does my condition give me? How can I leverage my traits, to deliver a good and happy life to me and the people around me? I've taken a LOT of guff over the years, and been discounted by many people, whilst trying to do everything they do and carry this load at the same time. Were they right? Or was I just waiting for "my time"?

7. MY PEOPLE, pets and other assets. They are all I have, of real value in the world, and observation suggests that they will all drift away if not properly maintained and looked after. Where are my real priorities? Do I not have a need to look after them, JUST AS MUCH as keeping the weed going? 

I hope that this is helpful in some way, as almost no one likes living with an ineffective and insecure whiner. 

And this is a classic and well known set of poor quality human transactions, which Eric Berne named "wooden leg" in his book "Games People Play". A book I always recommend for those Autists struggling  to understand the basics of human relational and transactional psychology.

The nature of Autism is that it seemingly makes one self-absorbed and it is very easy to have that self absorbtion metastasize into uncaring selfishness.

C-PTSD can be very similar to BPD, however I don't think a lot of this behaviour attributes itself to Autism and sounds a lot like BPD.

The outbursts of anger, threats of su*cide, blowing up your phone when he doesn't know where you are, self medicating. All big signs of BPD.

Perhaps have him read up on it, or you could and approach him with it?

Life is much easier when you understand yourself. He should look at getting therapy for this.

He does most of the housework, I don't have the because I have a full time on the clock almost 24/7 job. I have PTSD and he thinks thats why I "overreact", but I think his behaviour would be concerning regardless.

He believes it's all down to autism and maybe PTSD.

Any possibility he could have BPD?

I would really advise him to look into that.

I agree with that, form what you say he is just using you, ask yourself do you actually get any pleasure out of the relationship?

It's definitely not a healthy relationship. Your only responsibility is to yourself. Your only concern should be your own physical and mental health and well-being. He doesn't work , doesn't contribute, but buys weed and sits around smoking it all day? He's quite a catch! Depending on how safe you feel, you could ask him to leave, but you might want to contact the police and have him removed. If he has keys to your place, get the locks changed. Do you have family or a close friend? Let them now what is happening and how he is treating you.