Published on 12, July, 2020
He asked if I was annoyed at him this morning and I said no, explained it was an external situation that was annoying me. He repeated the questioning so many times to the point I asked him frustratedly to trust that I was telling him the truth. He said he should just go kill himself and slammed a door. When told this wasn’t okay he brought it back to autism.
The other day I went out with my friends for Halloween to a club event. I told him before that I didn’t really want to go and would probably be back early. I understand I was at fault because he took this literally. He blew up my phone on every social media asking why I wasn’t replying and he accused me of not being where I said I was. When I proved I was he said he never said it. He’s often saying he never said things that he did.
We all went home after that. When I got home he said that I was a hypocrite because I kicked him out when he went out with his friends and came back late - which is a lie. He said he was leaving at like 3am because he “refused to be spoken to like that” - when I was just disputing outright lies. I offered him the sofa multiple times and he refused, before eventually coming to my front door and shouting for hours. He says this was an autistic freak out, and that he never made stuff up but that it was due to his autism. I’m so tired of everything being to do with his autism. I feel like I’m a constant carer for his emotional well-being.
He also doesn’t work due to stress related seizures, spends all of his money on weed to reduce the seizures (he’s had one in 3 months b it that could be because he smokes an ounce in a few days), and I’m now supporting us. He’s moved in with me and doesn’t contribute, I mean he’ll pay for the odd thing but then I end up having to buy his weed because he doesn’t have enough. He would end up homeless if anything were to go wrong here. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
I'm in a similar situation, and I play the male part in the story. But slightly better, I hope...
1. The insecurity. I have it sometimes, I decided to own it. Even when I didn't know I was autistic (the first 59 years!), I decided it was MY problem and best dealt with quietly. I've been known to "trust but verify" on the few ocasions when it has got unbearable, but generally once I realsied that no one can fool me for ever, (or even very long) and that I don't have to KNOW RIGHT NOW, I can wait, things got a lot more manageable. The important thing is to not make it anyoen elses problem, becuise it simply is not FAIR.
2. Choice. The name given to people who cannot choose to do good things, is bad people. Or if they have it really bad, MAD people. Autism does push one towards the dark side if you let it, so I've studied the concepts of good and evil since I was a nipper, and I've always tried my darndest to at least be certain of my "alignment" at any given time. I also rely hugely on the people I can trust to give me honest feedback, as to my orientation as they see it.
3. Weed. Can be cripplingly expensive nowadays. Citizens advice told me to grow my own, when I had a money advice session. There was no other personal economy I could make that I was not already doing. An economy that does work well, is to take a few weeks off from time to time and examine the changes that happen. It's kinda like a mind altering experience in and of itself for a long term pothead, and I find it quite enjoyable, but always revert back to smoking a weed. Isn't the whole point of using weed to open my mind and ease frustration? In my case it suppresses my inclination to act precipitously (or at all if I smoke just a BIT too much!!) which is good, but proper work often requires a clearer head. The tendancy to "Wake and bake" can cripple my productivity on occasion. ALL WEED is just as bad as NO WEED. MY most productive and balanced life was when I got up, and did not smoke any dope until my working day was over. Just go and attend your nearest 420 celebration next April, and ask yourself, what does this look like? Have they even managed any signage extolling the virtues of our favourite vegetation. OR was it as much as they could do to find a tent and relocate the bong to outdoors for a few hours? Weed has it's good sides and it's bad sides. As a constant daily user it is easy to end up with an unreasonably rosy view of oneself and ones position in life, being happy whilst all around you crumbles. Sometimes you just have to take one for the team and take a few days out. 48 hours of sweatyness and a somewhat shortened temper is about the worst that you can expect, by way of withdrawal effects,
4. Work. I've realised that there is a profound difference between hard work and soul destroying struggle. I quite enjoy hard work, I've NO TIME any more for "struggle". (My struggles are against my own nature, I simply do not need any external struggle as well!) Once your guy gets this, he may be able to find best ways of using himself in life. I wish I had figured it our earlier.
5. The relationship. Many men find themselves in a battle between biology and social programming today. Biology tries to push us one way (towards reproduction, taking control, and BEING A MAN), society currently tells us there is no difference between men and women (but if there was any difference men would be in the wrong and need to change, doubly so if they are white!) and that heterosexual reproduction and traditional families are a throwback to a dark age where only women were oppressed or paid any sort of price. A lot of men need worthwhile* work, and a feeling of being in charge (however illusory!) in order to feel "sane" I know I do! I've had a long slog creating my own "worthwhile work", with many reverses along the away, and I'm slowly but surely taking charge of my life again.
6. The Autism. It has it's good points, but if it wasn't a pain in the backside, it would not have a name and a place in the medical liiterature. There were two paths which opened up to me after diagnosis.
A: This is what I am stuck with, things really will NOT get better for me, I may as well give up trying to do the things I know I cannot do.
B: I have this thing that makes me different to others. It clearly makes me annoying to many, and makes "the many" annoying to me. How am I going to take charge of and manage this situation? What unique advantages does my condition give me? How can I leverage my traits, to deliver a good and happy life to me and the people around me? I've taken a LOT of guff over the years, and been discounted by many people, whilst trying to do everything they do and carry this load at the same time. Were they right? Or was I just waiting for "my time"?
7. MY PEOPLE, pets and other assets. They are all I have, of real value in the world, and observation suggests that they will all drift away if not properly maintained and looked after. Where are my real priorities? Do I not have a need to look after them, JUST AS MUCH as keeping the weed going?
I hope that this is helpful in some way, as almost no one likes living with an ineffective and insecure whiner.
And this is a classic and well known set of poor quality human transactions, which Eric Berne named "wooden leg" in his book "Games People Play". A book I always recommend for those Autists struggling to understand the basics of human relational and transactional psychology.
The nature of Autism is that it seemingly makes one self-absorbed and it is very easy to have that self absorbtion metastasize into uncaring selfishness.
I found your post an interesting read especially section 6. I am 55 years old and was diagnosed a few months ago. I now feel I have little hope in getting what I want (a girlfriend or/and sex which I have never experienced). Before being diagnosed I thought I was just unlucky but now I know it is because of my autism. Sometimes I find it hard to cope.
Reading section 6 has made me have respect for you. I only wish I could have the same mindset
Are you crazy? 55 years old and no baggage? You are hot property in some circles my friend!
(Thanks for extending the respect, I don't often attract that, and it's a heady feeling this early in the morning!).
Seriously. For you, "Games people Play" by Eric Berne, It's a book about relationships. where he explains how aspects of relationships work, in a way that an 25 year old "incel" engineer like myself surrounded by pseudo friends and coming from an abusive background was able to parlay into a real change of pace & aspect.
I was not designed or brought up to be a good person to know. I recognised however, that an isolated hermit life, was not really what I wanted (full time), and that in order to interact with these mysterious people outside of my head, and do it well, I needed to understand them and myself a bit more.
I'm not sure how helpful "spamming" the little book as I do here some days actually is, but I can say that the few other people I've met in life who have read this book all seem to rate it and have found it useful. Just because you have learned from a book what you need to know in order to be able to form and sustain relationships, does not make the knowledge any less real or valuable to the people you apply it to (including yourself) as having it baked into your genes like most seem to have to a greater degree.