Late diagnosis female

Hi Sky, I Don’t think most people do understand really unless they maybe work with asd or a loved one has it. I try to give examples, like how a noise is like them being poked repeatedly & how they’d feel after a while. 
don’t be too hard on yourself & do what’s best for you. They should be trying to support you even if they don’t understand. 

Perfectly describes this for me too Max, and we totally all need to remember to be less hard on ourselves :) 

When I've discussed difficulties with others and they say "I do that too" I know deep down, more effort is required on my part to do the same things other people are able to do naturally. Its very difficult to explain this without coming across as wet or overly sensitive / emotional. My assessors said I was very resilient. I've never seen it this way before. I think this is a testament (?) to my masking. It was always more a feeling of, why can't I just get on with life like other people. Why does anxiety and 9verthinking always have to get in the way.

I was diagnosed last year at 55 yrs old, it makes me angry when i think of the years of abuse i got and people not understanding me. I have suffered with mental health problems nearly all my life a and a anxiety disorder.  It is now affecting me more now than before ? I personally do feel hard done by when i think back.  I to have masked so much , i do understand how difficult even the word Autism  can make you feel ?  People have a real hard time excepting mental health ,why im not sure ?  Do people think that we play on it and we are weak ?  Don't change nothing you have autism !   weak my ***. 

Yeah. I guess I am lucky that my family/friends accept me for being 'a bit odd' without the need to actually discuss autism, but it isn't the same for everyone.

In any case, inner confidence and accepting yourself are the most important things :)

Thank you JuniperFromGallifrey really appreciate your advice

Hi Sky, a very familiar story. I was diagnosed recently at 46. I’m coming across so many people that have late diagnosis I feel like I want to do something to make the system better, but I have no idea what. 

Unfortunately I  think that because there are no drugs to support ASDs, there is no interest in diagnosing earlier. They would rather diagnose the co-morbids like anxiety and depression, that they can ply you with drugs for.

Oh! And I just carry ear plugs with me everywhere. I refuse to be insecure LOL about wearing them when they help me focus on what a friend is saying while blocking out background noise.

I don't know if this helps, but I can relate... 

By 30 I was too rigid, too pragmatic, couldn't keep a normal job (worked hard but didn't 'fit in' or problems with organisation/social), lost someone I really loved (so many communication problems)... nightmare. Little help - I grew up in the States and as far as I knew Autism was synonomous with Downs Syndrome. I had too many health problems, buried under medical bills, but eventually I redesigned my entire self. Both parents had remarried and started new families, and since I had moved constantly as a child, I could suffer a more vagabond lifestyle, though I wish I had a place to call home (still have never been able to buy a house). I was incredibly withdrawn by 25 so at this point I was Absolutely Done. 

These things became life-changing: Asking myself what I wanted. In the immediate, in the longterm. Tenacity. Learning to Pause and Take Time even if I was homeless. Learning a system of growth, which started with Heath and being (not just feeling) Safe. I studied Ethics, I dove into philosophy, I discovered I could make music and hyper-focus. I didn't settle. I was particular about my surroundings, I didn't buy what I didn't need, I stopped just taking what was given, I researched, I became a bad consumer: I didn't buy it until I could afford the thing that wouldn't break or exactly what was right. I bought the old mechancial reliable thing. I still have an iPhone S - the one with the audio jack. I won't use bluetooth it hurts my ears. And most of all, learning to troubleshoot problems so they couldn't cause unneeded stress and complicate my life further. 

I'm still single (though I have a son), but I've come an incredibly long way. Autism is still under-funded and under researched. The sites and programmes in the US still seem archaic and out-dated and diminishing. The 'inclusive' TV shows are misleading. I'm working on a children's project to try and pro-ject a different perpsective of ASC. Change how we see or think about a thing and then you can change the outcome: think "Inception". 

I don't speak with my mother & I've been ghosted more times  by others than i can count when i've just been guilty of trying to make sense of the world. But now I have a few close good friends (though they live far away, I'm in the UK now). My father cannot bare the thought of my being autistic (though I believe I get this amazing brain from his mother), but for the few friends who've known me for a long time, it makes perfect sense.  At some point I also learnd how to spot and invest in humans who I can trust. And remind my ruminations about those who've ghosted me (including my mother) they aren't worth the invested time. I cannot control them (I say on repeat). Time is a resource we cannot get back. Money can be earned, Health can be maintained but my time is worth protecting. Sure it's mental work. But I try to remind myself to invest that time into those I can help or those who care and see me. Learning to allow a slow fade and dislodge individuals who are harmful and then learning practical steps to assert boundaries really made a massive difference in my anxiety levels. While there are now only 2 broken relationships that still 'haunt' me, Everyone else creating added stress was absolutely worth eliminating. 

Hi, and welcome to this forum, Sky.   

What you have said is almost expected -- i have heard it so many times

Most peoples only experience of autism,  is usually severe autism, or something they have seen in a movie/TV

So dont worry abut what other people think,, but is they ask about please educate them as to how it effects you.

aidie

Self esteem plays a big part I agree and like you also mentioned I've basically just accepted being uncomfortable to my own detriment. 

I also over explain why I do certain things (justify myself constantly )

I'm hopefully this will ease with the more I learn regarding self awareness and Confidence 

It's true! But ive only realised these past 6 months, for most people they would just ask.

There are layers as to why this might not have happened before for me. 1. Not realising there's a problem so it didn't occur to ask (most people can talk with the radio on so that's what I was trying to do).

2. Self esteem (realising the radio makes things difficult but not having the confidence to ask).

The caretaker at work asked why I go and have my dinner in my car rather than in the staff room.  I said I need peace and quiet. She doesn't need to know I'm on the spectrum. There are other staff members who are not on the spectrum who equally need peace and quiet but don't feel a need to explain themselves. I'm learning you don't have to constantly justify yourself. Other people don't.  But I think this is also to do with confidence.

"I've realised you can ask for things (eg "turn the radio down while we talk") without having to refer to being AS. Its just a requirement I have like non AS people have" love this 

"Sounds like" bring the operative word! Hah! I think a lifetime of analysing, observing and working out has helped. Becoming aware of AS helped massively and through observation and analysis could put my own coping strategies in place. Then subsequently my diagnosis has given me permission to be myself. I've realised you can ask for things (eg "turn the radio down while we talk") without having to refer to being AS. Its just a requirement I have like non AS people have their own requirements. Now I am aware I don't need to constantly be keeping up. I can ask for things. It's work in progress though! CBT has helped but I think because I'm already quite self aware, I knew what bits would work for me. After my diagnosis, as an adult, I realised there isn't really any support so you have to help yourself.

You sound like you really have it figured out. Asking for things is so simple, I just wish I did it more often. Mindfulness is a good shout, too.

Hi  out_of _step

Thank you for your excellent advice, much appreciated

I can relate to all this being mid 30s, female,  diagnosed earlier this year. I'm still finding my way through it. What I have decided is to be more caring towards myself. Masking is part of who I am, I accept that and it's something I have to do in order to continue with the life I have. I "choose my battles" carefully. Building in recovery time is important, especially after work or after social events.

I accept what I can and cannot change. I don't ruminate as much on social events now because there are parts of me I cannot change (why did I kill the conversation in the staff meeting! No idea! Everyone will have forgotten about it by now). There are things I can change, so I've started practising mindfulness to give myself some space in my head for other ruminations and also working on executive function (eg with others arranging to meet between a time slot rather than a specific time).

With regards to other people, I've realised it doesn't make much difference telling them. It's not going to stop people having multiple conversations, or being vague about something for example. My masking is so hard engrained in I didn't realise just how much I was mentally trying to keep up, I would never give myself a break. Now I'm more aware, I give myself time out from others (loo break, fresh air etc), or asking to turn the radio down so we can speak, instead of trying to keep up regardless.  What I'm trying to say is, other people are not going to change so I'm making adaptations myself and I feel more able and confident to do this now I know more about how my brain works.

I've also learned it's all very well telling people you're on the spectrum but it's so misunderstood, and they don't know what to do with this information. They need to know how they can help or what you find difficult. There are some people I just haven't gone there with because they have s negative perception of AS and see it as being something wrong. When it's not! It's just a name for how my brain works which is a bit different to most other people.

Yes! My wife sometimes tries to communicate her emotions by making me listen to all manner of wailing music (Adele, Rhianna, Sam Smith? etc.) - can't understand a bloody word they say. I just nod & smile and go to my "happy place" until it's all over.

Agree I think I have needed the reasurrance of others to feel accepted all my life. I'm working on self acceptance at moment and confidence so hopefully this will improve

Your comment at the end reminded me...I was reading about auditory processing disorder recently. I didn't realise that it was a common thing among autists.

Music blaring or too much chatter in restaurants is something that springs to mind. I also relate it to the fact that I never listened to lyrics in a lot of music when I was growing up (in the 90's, rock music especially) because the way the song had been mixed meant that the instruments often drowned out the voice.