Late diagnosis female

I can relate to all this being mid 30s, female,  diagnosed earlier this year. I'm still finding my way through it. What I have decided is to be more caring towards myself. Masking is part of who I am, I accept that and it's something I have to do in order to continue with the life I have. I "choose my battles" carefully. Building in recovery time is important, especially after work or after social events.

I accept what I can and cannot change. I don't ruminate as much on social events now because there are parts of me I cannot change (why did I kill the conversation in the staff meeting! No idea! Everyone will have forgotten about it by now). There are things I can change, so I've started practising mindfulness to give myself some space in my head for other ruminations and also working on executive function (eg with others arranging to meet between a time slot rather than a specific time).

With regards to other people, I've realised it doesn't make much difference telling them. It's not going to stop people having multiple conversations, or being vague about something for example. My masking is so hard engrained in I didn't realise just how much I was mentally trying to keep up, I would never give myself a break. Now I'm more aware, I give myself time out from others (loo break, fresh air etc), or asking to turn the radio down so we can speak, instead of trying to keep up regardless.  What I'm trying to say is, other people are not going to change so I'm making adaptations myself and I feel more able and confident to do this now I know more about how my brain works.

I've also learned it's all very well telling people you're on the spectrum but it's so misunderstood, and they don't know what to do with this information. They need to know how they can help or what you find difficult. There are some people I just haven't gone there with because they have s negative perception of AS and see it as being something wrong. When it's not! It's just a name for how my brain works which is a bit different to most other people.

You sound like you really have it figured out. Asking for things is so simple, I just wish I did it more often. Mindfulness is a good shout, too.

"Sounds like" bring the operative word! Hah! I think a lifetime of analysing, observing and working out has helped. Becoming aware of AS helped massively and through observation and analysis could put my own coping strategies in place. Then subsequently my diagnosis has given me permission to be myself. I've realised you can ask for things (eg "turn the radio down while we talk") without having to refer to being AS. Its just a requirement I have like non AS people have their own requirements. Now I am aware I don't need to constantly be keeping up. I can ask for things. It's work in progress though! CBT has helped but I think because I'm already quite self aware, I knew what bits would work for me. After my diagnosis, as an adult, I realised there isn't really any support so you have to help yourself.

"Sounds like" bring the operative word! Hah! I think a lifetime of analysing, observing and working out has helped. Becoming aware of AS helped massively and through observation and analysis could put my own coping strategies in place. Then subsequently my diagnosis has given me permission to be myself. I've realised you can ask for things (eg "turn the radio down while we talk") without having to refer to being AS. Its just a requirement I have like non AS people have their own requirements. Now I am aware I don't need to constantly be keeping up. I can ask for things. It's work in progress though! CBT has helped but I think because I'm already quite self aware, I knew what bits would work for me. After my diagnosis, as an adult, I realised there isn't really any support so you have to help yourself.

Self esteem plays a big part I agree and like you also mentioned I've basically just accepted being uncomfortable to my own detriment. 

I also over explain why I do certain things (justify myself constantly )

I'm hopefully this will ease with the more I learn regarding self awareness and Confidence 

It's true! But ive only realised these past 6 months, for most people they would just ask.

There are layers as to why this might not have happened before for me. 1. Not realising there's a problem so it didn't occur to ask (most people can talk with the radio on so that's what I was trying to do).

2. Self esteem (realising the radio makes things difficult but not having the confidence to ask).

The caretaker at work asked why I go and have my dinner in my car rather than in the staff room.  I said I need peace and quiet. She doesn't need to know I'm on the spectrum. There are other staff members who are not on the spectrum who equally need peace and quiet but don't feel a need to explain themselves. I'm learning you don't have to constantly justify yourself. Other people don't.  But I think this is also to do with confidence.

"I've realised you can ask for things (eg "turn the radio down while we talk") without having to refer to being AS. Its just a requirement I have like non AS people have" love this