Late diagnosis female

I struggle with rumination too. I think my biggest issue with that is that I rely on reassurance from others; their feedback is vital to keeping equilibrium. It's incredibly hard to do that for myself but I do try - I know it is possible.

Before Its more worry /anxiety and planning (I also have ocd)

than afterwards it's the over analysing and rumination about what actually did happen.

So I am totally overwhelmed after the event that feel exhausted and takes hrs to recover.

That's the part no one  up till now had noticed, as I've always tried so hard to hide it as thought it was just me with a problem. 

Interesting - it's the 24 hours before for me. Like you it's not the social event itself for me... once I'm there, masked up & seated - I'm usually OK and can enjoy the event.

Once it's over I get a palpable sense of relief and my well practiced "out of sight, out of mind" reflex kicks in (unless of course things went horribly wrong, when I too indulge in over-analysis!).

I think I ought to take a leaf out of your book and prepare a little more. The difference in my case is that its not the social interaction itself that gives me the most trouble, its the 24 hours that immediately follow it. Deconstructing the event (did it really happen the way I think it happened, what cues did I miss etc) and all of the pent up excitement fizzling into nothing really takes it out of me.

100% thank you

Hi BassFace :)

I think it's more about just  accepting me as I am and not thinking the worse in me.

I definitely need to work on my inner confidence. 

Thank you Moon, this  sounds like great advice and I can relate so much. 

BassFace said:

would you really want them to suddenly start treating you differently anyway?

For me personally - YES! I want them to accept that some things are more difficult for me than it appears, and that many of my behaviours are not because I'm rude...

If I abruptly leave the room and don't return, it's almost certainly because I am overloaded and at risk of meltdown - so don't make a fuss (and I'm more likely to return).

If I say something inappropriate at the hospital bedside, it's not because I'm crass or uncaring... it's because I'm freaking out at trying to deal with all the emotions running rampant, so my mask falters.

If you want to have a serious conversation with me, the children must be kept out of sight/hearing because it's too distracting & stressfull for me (I'm cool interacting/playing with kids usually, but I cannot multi-task).

Welcome :) Yes it is hard if family/friends are not willing to believe/accept your diagnosis. But you know it is true, so use that to build your inner confidence and don't mind what they say. They are not going to change how they see you, and would you really want them to suddenly start treating you differently anyway? 

I've had a little success with some receptive people by giving a *detailed* breakdown of what it "cost" me to participate in a joint activity with them...

EG: I met an aquaintence at a coffee shop, and explained that I started preparing the night before - planning the route, parking etc. I also considered any potential difficult conversations (like why I didn't attend their childs birthday party), and how I would respond. I tried to recall any promises I had made last time we spoke (and almost certainly didn't keep).

I struggled to fall asleep because of this, and woke up very early to make sure I could follow my usual morning habits/rituals and still have time to shower (first time in more than a week).

After 4-5 minutes deliberation in the kitchen, I couldn't decide on toast or cereal for breakfast so just had coffee.

I had a mini-meltdown because my tooth-brush was flat (normally not an issue really, but it interfered with the careful plan of the morning worked out in bed before I got up). Decided not to go - too difficult. Played some computer games before calming down enough to carry on.

I explained why I nearly always wear sunglasses & flip-flops (because of sensory issues with light & touch) and that today I agonised over shoes vs flip-flops since it was forecast ~10°C (normally I only wear shoes <12°C, but I had blisters).

I had to hover by my front window to wait for my neighbor (lovely lady whose name I can never remember) to go back inside before putting on my best mask and leaving. I explained about masking and often having no fucking idea why people were doing what they were doing - I would just mimic those about me.

I told them why I had chosen this coffee shop instead of the one we used to go to (very noisy, echoy type of place that makes it hard for me to hear/understand).

All this for a simple coffee & chat... and that I will go home and need the whole next day by myself to recover.

I asked if they recalled all the times I had just vanished from after-work social events early - I was overloaded and needed time to decompress.

etc.

Of course, some people just don't care/understand - they will end up on my "estranged" pile all the quicker.

Thank you for your reply Max, I hope so too. 

Hi and welcome.

I'm going through a similar thing: trying to identify as autistic while still effectively masking and therefore presenting as NT is my current dilemma. I think it takes time to adapt. Being a square and trying to push yourself through the triangle hole does a lot of harm to us but I think life will probably get easier once we stop trying so hard and just be ourselves. That's what I'm hoping for anyway!