Using Dating Apps As An Autistic Adult

not spam but can we keep this thread please?

this was an interesting discussion that shouldn't just valish in the update. so I'm posting here

Still very predictable how to get through these traps to get what you want.     Like doing the old psychometric tests at job interviews.

1 on 1 dating is dead now - it's too much like hard work.      Blokes are effectively paying for sex in dinners - with no guarantee of getting anywhere.    Women are getting their egos massaged and a free lunch.

I have friends on dating sites - sex is easy in you can play the game - but the older you get, the more set in your ways you become and accommodating someone else into your life is usually too much hassle.

Maybe. look at it from a game theory perspective. The less time wasted on people who aren't going to give you what you want the better the system. A bit like prisoners dilemma the best outcome for everyone is either honesty or flexibility. But people won't pick the best outcome if they think they can get an advantage, reducing the number of ways to get advantage is going to improve the system. One strategy to do this is to be deliberately vague about what you are looking for, so forcing people to explicitly declare their intentions, from a short list of options, compels them to either be honest or explicitly dishonest (which is easier to pick up on earlier on)

His name is Mushu. I wouldn't say they're difficult once you have the setup. 

Aw he's adorable! What's his name? Are they difficult to look after?

Yep he's my beardie.

Peter said:

Or how long and hard they might have to work for it

It's a simple numbers game.    How little investment for how quick a pay-off. 

Yes but by design I would say. If you say you are nice when you’re naughty you’re still committing yourself to acting in a ‘nice’ way. You still end up having to get to know the person even if a relationship wasn’t your original plan it might happen. If you are say you are ‘naughty’ when you are not you have to tolerate others ‘naughty’ behaviour. Which means they get more of what they want and the ‘imposter’ gets a less filtered look at what a potential future relationship with this person might be like.

it forced people to confront how much they may need to compromise to get what they want. Or how long and hard they might have to work for it if they aren’t willing to compromise.

Off topic, but is that a bearded dragon in your profile pic? :D

Sooooo easy to game the system. 

I've had the same problem, and like plastic said, they don't seem to grasp the idea of a "relationship". 

You know one of the best ‘dating’ services I’ve tried had a feature where you had to pick on sign up, are you ‘naughty’ or ‘nice.’ You could change it later but you had to pick, and search results could be filtered using naught or nice, you could even block one or the other from talking to you. I think this is brilliant.

ive never actually seen a singles bar, I think they only exist in Hollywood films now, but I’d say if I was running one putting a ‘naughty’ or ‘nice’ badge on as you come through the door would be compulsory.

so assuming you are right about the gender balance the majority of men who want a sex first encounter can compleat for the minority of women who want that, stiff competition. And the majority of women who want a relationship first encounter know they have to compete hard for the minority of men who want that.
the two large groups have both had a lot of bad matches removed from the search results. That’s what good dating services do, take very large pools of people and filter out obviously bad matches leaving the human to browse the rest. Sadly very few services these days actually do this.

violetdr3amer said:

I found with 'alternative' people, attention seeking, immature NTs who seem to be dragging out high school forever. 

LOL

See I used to have an eccentric extrovert mask and was open with all my quirks, stims and weird jokes (this was pre-diagnosis) but it backfired spectacularly... people don't like it when a woman acts like that, they get scared.

And yeah that's what I found with 'alternative' people, attention seeking, immature NTs who seem to be dragging out high school forever. 

I think you sound perfectly normal to me - it's that ability to find others like you that will help you find yourself.

I'm a twin - I could see I was different to my brother so i created a huge extrovert mask and advertised all my interests so other closeted aspies saw me and felt emboldened to 'come out' about their nerdy interests too - we used to used the art block at lunchtimes to make models and the gym after school for RC cars and RC planes on the weekends in the playing fields..      I'm still in touch with them all.  

'Alternative' people tend to be just attention seeking NTs.

Thank you

Yeah I'm a strange person, I don't really fit in anywhere. I am quite geeky, but I'm also very creative, and I'm into tarot and spirituality and stuff like that. I'm also into quite obscure music. I don't really get on with "alternative" people though, as they are so pretentious and cliquy. Most of my friends are quite normal, they're lovely but they don't share my interests so I feel pretty lonely most of the time.

You're obviously very bright - you are just unfortunate in that you haven't found where you fit in life.

I was easy - nerdy bloke - went into engineering - found lots of other nerdy / aspie people there..

Haha thanks. I do have some very obscure interests.

I'm not sure if I'm so high-functioning... I think I just appear high-functioning. I am on benefits as I can't hold down a job, and I have a lot of social difficulties. I've been shunned from pretty much every friendship group I've ever tried to join, lol

Don't take this the wrong way - autistic people can be hard work.

You're better off setting up a niche interest group.   from the way you write, you're clearly very high functioning so you need to find others on your wavelength - and your biggest weird interest will attract other people into the same thing - probably other very high functioning ASD people too..