Socialisation

It might be hard on and off for a while, but that's love. Sometimes it's wrong for us but we stay in there until we've no resource left and have no option to give up, and sometimes it works out. I have read AS's can have a hard time splitting up when they want to cos they feel bad, I,ve certainly watched a close friend miscommnicate and stay stuck in a relationship he wanted to get out of for 15 months. And I know another AS who withdraws when she really does want to be with her partner. People can be hard work to understand! I hope things go well for you.

you're just a big softee and will make an awesome friend. But please think of your own future as well. 

He invited me over to stay with him, I know I shouldn’t of but there was nothing intimate involved we just talked. He says he doesn’t know what he wants anymore so I don’t think maybe this is something related to his autism Im not sure. Oh I’m distraught because I love him but I know I can’t convince him otherwise. I’ve advised him to get on here I think it will help him. I’m seeing him on his birthday because he has no other plans but I just want to be a good friend to him now and help him understand his feelings

aidie how did you guess the writer was NT?

I go around the world thinking everyone is AS. If it wasn't for the graphs showing the results of the AS tests on NTs I,d almost think we were living in a collective delusion. I guess that's engaging 1-1 with people. Put them together and I definitely experience being an alien in amongst them. But when I read books like 'Pretending to be Normal', I just don't get that this is only an AS experience, I still think 'doesn't this go on for everyone'?

And I think it's healthy for you that you're drawing a boundary, well done! It's easy to get hooked into these dynamics and end up being codependent.

PS giving yourself a name through exiting your profile helps distinguish your commentsfrom all the other people.

I'm not sure what you mean by letting him go as a friend, but then talking to him in a week. Is that to re-engage as friends? To get clarity on what's gone on? Or to support him?

I'm conscious you may find this pattern repeating itself if you do re-engage. I'm AS and been trying to get into a relationship with an AS guy who sounds similar to your guy. He's withdrawn 4 times now in shutdown/overwhelm in the last twelve months. We re-engage, it's back to normal, then something triggers him, and he runs away and can't communicate. I still care about him and cos I'm AS I understand, tolarate and indulge his behaviour. For me the key is not resolving our relationship issue, but him first working on his communication issue, us being explicit about that, acknowledging the dynamics, working on finding a way to comunicate about his experience of shutdown and finding talking hard.

Like others have said, ignore the stuff about if all his friends were dead he wouldn't care. I'm exceptionally caring, loving, doting, but I can think stuff like that. It's just too abstract for me. Yet I do get upset, in my own way, when friends move away, etc. So I would care, but I process it rationally when asked and compare it to much, much worse events like all my friends being captured, held hostage and tortured in the most horrific ways for years. So I'd mark that a 10/10 horror story to care for them, so them just ending up being dead is a relief they're not going through the 10/10 scenario. Yeah, daft, but the question of them being dead is the same level of abstract daftness to me.

And also you go through a lot as a kid being autistic and you learn to be self sufficient and survive on your own, cos you have to.

I am an autistic male and i can inform you somethings are not as simple as they seem. Your trying to put meaning behind his action without actually know the thought process behind it and your own interpretation of his behaviour could be wrong despite you believing that you know him so well. 

If he hasn't experience someone close to him dying, than he probably doesn't know how to respond death situations and that famous autism bluntness and false lack of empathy is at play. You need to acquire an answer from him on why you broke up in the first place.

He could still love you but is aware and understands that he might not be able to fulfill your needs emotionally and he is trying to spare you the from finding that out in a few years time. Maybe he can't cope with the social bombardment of relationship and maintaining or trying to maintain a job. Maybe he is ruminating on a problem he can't figure out socially or emotionally and it draining his batteries and reducing his ability to cope around people. What i am saying is that they may be a reason he cant verbal explain to justify his actions and it could be something extremely small to you or something completely random. 

On the other hand he could behaving like trash bag and that behavior is not okay. You shouldn't be having coitus with him if you wish to maintain a friendship. Friends don't do that. Yes autism can drain our batteries and make us behave in certain ways but his behaviour could be that of typical inconsiderate hormonal male.I don't want to say it but he could just be using you.

I don't know how to put this to you but most autistic males especially around the ages of sixteen to twenty five who have problems with recognising emotions and significant struggles in regulating their behaviour don't typically engage in sexual activity or romantic relationships as it takes to much energy out of us and far too socially complex. what i am saying is that we emotionally mature a lot slower than most neurotypicals and have a very immature mind set. 

The best thing to do is leave him alone for a set period and see if his behaviour changes when you start talking again. it may be subtle but there would be a small difference in the way he acts after seeing you again. We do experience emotions but we typically don't display them in a typical manor or we confuse certain emotions. If he still behaves negatively and believes he still wouldn't miss you if you went missing then my dear he is a old crusty damp bath mat that won't burn. do you really want be in a relationship with the human equivalent to an old crusty damp bath mat that won't burn.        

I decided to let him go as my friend, I feel like that’s the best for us both and we can’t move on without doing that, maybe in a weeks time we can possibly talk again but for now I’m not speaking to him 

This sounds really familiar to me! I'll come back in a few days when i've chance and give you some thoughts from my experience of this. You could use the search tool on 'relationship' and find some similar old threads.

Here's the situation I've been dealing with: community.autism.org.uk/.../i-m-in-a-right-mess-trying-to-start-a-relationship. I don't think I mention the things you say, but he does them!

yes i guessed u r NT.

he is going to have meltdowns whether u are around or not.

leave him for a week. then get back here with how he is

get him on here ! 

No I am neurotypical, I have suggested maybe he would connect better with other people in the community but he has friends who are also autistic and he can’t talk to them. His last ex he was distraught over, but she hurt him and she left him. He said he thinks he shuts off his emotions as a defence mechanism, but what if he breaks down from building everything up? Because that’s why he left me, he had let things build up and then finally couldn’t take it anymore, but he never told me he was struggling until he actually left me 

u are very young and so is he which is good,,,,,,,,,so leave/give him space for a week,

act dead,

see what he does 

but eventually in 1 - 2 years say

u do have to decide, with him, is this it ? are we going to live together for ever / and /or have kids

u need to think what is good for you, 

then about  any resulting children,  

then him

you are not autistic right ?

.

I am 18 and he is 21. I really want a future with him as he is the kindest soul ever, he’s starting to open up more but do you think maybe just letting go is the best for him? Or just giving him space I’m not sure. I only want what is best for him.

 a biggee,, heres a quick 30 second response from an amateur.

1. men can use anyone for sex --- autistic men are just the same

2. if u are to continue with him it will be very on and off  with maybe the on and offs getting shorter and shorter

3. that bit about killing everyone is true, i have that. But 3 months, even a year later we do miss people so he is saying that now but he would miss u later when it sinks it. He is expressing his immediate thoughts. 

4. do not sleep him while u are friends. Friends dont do that.

5. leave him for a week. no contact. no texts. like u are dead.  then go talk to him.

Have rules you want followed and write them down and give them to him. if he wants you he has to obey these baseline rules, no sex again ( it confuses things) until u live together/get married/decide to have kids keep 2 in mind when writing the rules ask him what he whats to do when he cant think about emotions. What  are u to do ?

seriously, think about how raising a kid with this person would work,,,,,,,,,its a very serious thing. Children aren't  just for xmas. 

6. talk  to his mum/dad if u really want to be serious with him because they really know him

your age is a big factor here,, so what is his age and your age ?