I am the mother of a son with aspergers diagnosed for a year. He is 32yrs .

It is strange being officially diagnosed, I did have suspicions for a few years because I did an online test after watching a tv program, at 60. I can see where things went wrong with my career and love. I have been lucky because getting to meet people is not difficult for me. The skill was forced on me during my time in the military.

Even though I now understand the reasons why things happened as they did, it does not stop me thinking what if, how could they and why did no-one do something. After a while I answered my own questions but I do still have resentments. 

It looks as if your son is at the 'what if' part and can not accept/ does not understand that things probably would not have been different. His personality, and those of other people would still have been the same. Autism is a reason not a cause.

He probably will settle a little but as I said, what ifs will remain.

Be brave, remember - things, good and bad, happen for a reason and that reason may not be obvious.

I wish you well.

I am a little late to this and I don't like to say it but i think i kinda understand where your son is coming from, I'm kinda angry at my mother for neglecting and not making the effort to get me assessed and diagnosed when i was a child, having the right support at school could of changed my life trajectory and the amount of abuse i experienced from my step dad, brothers and other people for the unfair disciplining for not acting normal and having uncontrollable meltdowns.

But saying this i am in my early twenties and back when i was in secondary school people knew enough about autism to make the realisation i was on the spectrum.  your son on the other hand your son in 32 years old and not many people knew what autism was so do not blame yourself.

I hate myself for admitting it, but if you compare me to the others who were diagnosed as child with autism compare to me who got diagnosed at 22 they have definitely benefited greatly from the support to the point where they have a full time job and their own families. what i am trying to say is getting the right support and help when your not child or a child transitioning to adulthood is difficult when your diagnosed as an adult because the support isn't their and playing catch up with your peers of the same age is frustrating. The worst part is when you don't have the autism diagnosis your constantly stressed because you can't figure out why you can't manage a full job, maintain friendships and irritate people for just being you. 

i've spoken to an autism counsellor myself who explained to me that it is common for those with late autism diagnosis in the late twenties and early thirties to feel resentful of their parents and it ok for you autistic son to feel that way.

If he feels anything similar to i feel toward my mother and stepdad  he is probably more angry about the way you have treated him throughout the years and i bet you have had multiple intervention where you have forced your opinions and expectation on him and pushed him to achieving stuff that is unrealistic for him to achieve and ignored him when he has tried to communicate his difficulties and branded him as being lazy. 

The worst thing you can do is not accept that you had a role in the person he has became and to acknowledge all the stuff you did wrong because your son can't process and move on with his life if he is ruminating on the fact everything wrong with him and what happened to him is strictly because of the autism and how it has affect his life, no therapist or counsellor is going to help him move on in life if you do not talk through and apologize and accept for all the major life events he struggling to work through himself. you cant change the past but you can do something in the present to change his future.

I believe from experience that you haven't posted what lead to the confrontation where your son has started to blame you, maybe you made a commented of something he has done in the past that the autism could be responsible for or explain like making poor decisions like quitting a job. 

Hello I’ve just been diagnosed with autism a couple days ago I’m 34 I see similarities with your son I just except that being born before the mid to late 90’s that people were not aware of how to look for autism/Asperger I hope he comes to terms and peace and try to move on.

Just bad habits relating to my Autistic Idiosyncrasies.

Have you calmly asked them why they do this?     What do they see going wrong for you that they feel the need to intervene?      They may be aware of dangers that your are blissfully unaware of.

I felt the same way towards my Brother and Nan. Now, I feel this way towars my Aunt-through-Marriage.

Everyone wants to run my life for me so much I have little opportunity to fend for myself.

There's an old saying - "you are the average of the 5 closest people to you."

Without a circle of friends or family, autistic people tend to focus on their parents and they direct all their anger / frustration at them.       It's not personal, it's just there isn't any other target for them.      And it's always much easier to blame others for their failings rather than to accept the responsibility for their own actions.       Without the friendship group to talk things over with and to hear differing opinions, it's almost impossible for them to move forward.    The echo machine of their own company just reinforces their viewpoint.

I would suggest he needs to get some kind of social activity - are there any autistic groups in your area?

I am in a similar position.  Except not only did I fail to identify my son as autistic, I did the same with his brother and also with myself!  There are undoubtedly many, many difficulties we've had to face over the years as a result of this and I'm sure that many late-diagnosed people really struggle. And this can give rise to lots of difficult emotions, including anger (if not rage), regret, a sense of loss and bitterness too.  Unfortunately these might need to be vented and parents can seem (and sometimes be) negligent and, to some extent, blameworthy over past events. 

That said, when I delve into the stats, the likelihood of being identified during the 80s and 90s was actually a lot lower than it now is.  When looking back I see that nursery staff, teachers and GPs also failed to identify us.  Plus the general/cultural perception of autism was very different too, for the main part.  Certainly it never crossed my mind that my sons could be autistic and I thought that what they experienced related to noticeable family traits - sensitivity, anxiety, a flair for language, perceptiveness etc (qualities that can have a good and bad side).  And I tried to counter these by providing opportunities to build up a social life whilst also encouraging the strengths that are also inherent.  It wasn't enough but I think I tried.  It's just that my own level of awareness and knowledge wasn't that good and, in many ways, the times were against us.  I think a lot of late-diagnosed autistics are finding this. 

So...  We are now in the position of listening, supporting and offering whatever help our sons might choose.  Much of what I listen to is very hard to hear but, since I missed it all in the past, I now try to acknowledge the issues, our own role in what's happened and our current keenness to offer every bit of support we can.   It still might not be enough but our sons need to hear it and we have a lot of ground to cover.  

For us, services have been diagnostic only, but I'm wondering whether there are any services local to you which might help - if your son is willing to reach out, that is.  Were the diagnosers able to signpost him to other services or make any other suggestions?  Plus, if your son is autistic, are there other family members who might also be autistic, who have perhaps overcome similar difficulties and have some advice to share?  I'm back to the family traits here.  Plus what does your son want for himself?  What kind of support would he have liked in the past and can any of this be translated into help he can access or build up for himself as an adult?  

I'm afraid I can't say that we're out of the woods here yet, but, beyond listening and empathising, my own approach is to make notes, look at recurring themes and try to match them with ideas about what we might patch together over time.  Also to share some of my own journey, when appropriate, and make it clear that, even when we let them down, we always still loved them and tried to do the right thing.  Things have happened as they did not due to lack of care but to lack of knowledge (very different things).  The old maxim, "When we know better, we do better" springs to mind on this score, and gives hope for the future.          

he appears to have delusions as well. You're the easy target, only target. So it pretty unfair he's blaming you for his issues. 

Dont take what he is saying  to heart . My mum didnt think I was on the spectrum either simply because she was on the spectrum  so my beviour was like hers so all was ok 

Temple Grandin said "you cant use autism as an excuse".  I use this as a mantra to keep me straight.

after all you have done/still do for him, thats not nice

i feel so sorry for you