Autistic boyfriend can’t keep a job - any advise would help

Well, I would recommend you try to find him a proper job where he will be confident in what he is doing. Also, I don't want to lie to you. Living with an autistic person is not a shining part of life, but I heard many stories when couples with autistic problems were pretty successful. It depends on personality, conditions, and education. Also, I would suggest you look for some side hustle ideas available in your area. From my experience, your boyfriend can work as a web design specialist from home, web designers have a good salary, and he will work from his place, and other people don't bother him.

It's called uncensored "5..H..1....T"  jobs as apparently I'm being censored

There's a fascinating book called '*** Jobs' that someone wrote a few years ago.  I found it really useful to understand what a job is, the transaction involved in working for somebody, and what motivates people (especially NT's) to do these jobs.  They aren't all low pay low skill either.  Worth buying them a copy?

That's an interesting post Caelus...

I have a different take on the matter, but yours in interesting and opens up some possibilties about how life can work that I'd not considered. 

A cautionary tale though can be taken from my own Aviation "career"..

When it came to career time they asked me what I wanted to do, and I replied "pilot". they then spent a while showing me how much of an impossible dream that was for such as me, involving as it did an R.A.F. apprenticeship or getting a degree. They also pointed out that since I was already fixing electricals for my income, (I enjoyed the challenge fixing presented as much as I enjoyed the challenge that thieving my previous most successful money making endeavour gave me PLUS I was actually entitled keep keep my spoils!) and computers was the next big thing I should look to that. Long story short, after a short career as a radio engineer, a longer one as a computer engineer, I decided to follow my dream.

I quit smoking and used the money saved to buy me one flying lesson per week. It was hard, I swiftly discovered that some flying instructors took an instant dislike to me and that 100 quid hour would be an almost complete waste of my time. Long story short I managed to get in abut 150 hours, own two aeroplanes, do six years of aircraft engineering. but the effort and expenditure required never paid off. I passed a commercial pilot aptitude test, got me a class one medical, but I could never get to practice enough, to get good at it enough, to actually enjoy the experience.And the nature of the people involved is such that I only ever made ONE good friend in about thirty years of being involved in that scene...

Finally I MADE myself quit, because, I realised I was literally wasting my time and money whilst not achieving anything useful, and certainly the aircraft engineering made me miserable, and damaged my shins & skin on a regular basis. for not enough money to actually get to do any flying myself. I thought being an aircraft engineer and pilot would make me a useful thing, an engineer who was able to test fly the thing afterwards, but there simply was no requirement for the two skills to exist together, it seemed, you either flew the things or fixed 'em for the people who could afford to fly the things.

I took my first lesson in 1987 I gradually applied myself more and more to the effort, but by 2016 I took stock, and realised it was the one thing in my life I had invested the most in, and which had delivered me the least joy, and the most unhappiness and fear.

I remember during "Solo Consolidation" (a simple task where having proven yourself capable of flying the aeroplane on one's own for one circuit of the airfield, you do it again repetitively for an hour or two, until they become confident enough to train you for the next bit, flying to a different airfield without getting lost. It was the only time I ever got caught up in the joy of flying and really enjoyed it, without having any worries or finding it to be grim and hard work.

But like you I wasn't going to quit.I knew it would eventually get to be rewarding. Except that it never really did. I do wish I had quit it earlier, and not invested a substantial part of four decades and many thousands of pounds that could have been better spent in "not being a quitter".

It's not enough to be strong in ones aim, you also have to "aim true" to start with. Aviation was a collossal blind alley for me, and sticking at it, was the wrong thing to do for me. Since 2016 I've been "quitting" a LOT more easily than I used to. I've decided that "struggling" is a fools game where one burns off one's energy for an uncertain result, and I will not do that any longer.

MY last job ended within 1 hour of my arriving, although it took me a further few days to realise it, when the new boss started openly mocking my previous employer in the very first meeting I attended. From that moment on, the job which should have been easy became a monumental struggle for me. I would have probably lasted a bit longer but my cat died, unexpectedly, i needed some time to deal with my feelings, and it gave me just enough breathing space to make me realise I did not enjoy working there at all, why I didn't and I that was probably the last time I will ever work for anyone again, outside of a voluntary or very temporary basis. 

You only get one life, and why spend it going somewhere that makes you miserable just so as you can pay the bills that need to be paid just so as you can keep going to that place that makes you miserable?

No wonder that by their thirties people retreat into drugs, drink, hobbies, or the fantasy world of the T.V set.

i always had the urge to quit... i worked through that by forcing myself through martial arts, and good things came from forcing myself to not quit such as getting fitter being a badass and getting a super toned body and being able to handle life better... i still have urge to quit, but i can fight through it more especially as martial arts was essentially really hard work. my job i have now i wanted to quit many times, especially through the 16 hour shifts through december and the abuse our bosses gave us, but i stuck at it and didnt quit, and really good things came from it, id have regretted quitting... quitting only gives you regret... your boyfriend needs to learn that the urge to quit is temporary, if he toughs it out through that urge to quit it turns better and things get good. everytime i feel the need to quit i always remember it, and always know that when you feel a need to quit that good things always follow if you dont quit... every time i feel that need to quit, if i dont quit, it really pays off, it becomes the best decision of my life to ignore that quit feeling and you see itt, and the more times you do that, the more times you beat that urge to quit, the more times you get a good thing after and the more time you realise that urge to quit is actually a signal that your going in the right direction and good things are ahead.

Jenny Butterfly said:

If this is his goal, can he gain any additional experience or qualifications that will help to move him towards that position?  Or maybe shift focus slightly towards co-occurring conditions or disabilities, bearing in mind that his future autistic clients may well have additional needs?  Just wondering whether there is any way to draw positives from his current situation and make it more palatable.

I would second this and looking into mentoring https://ndsa.uk/tool-up/

NAS67748 said:

he wants to only work with people who are autistic but they end up getting him to work with other mental illnesses/disabled people but that isn’t his interest

If this is his goal, can he gain any additional experience or qualifications that will help to move him towards that position?  Or maybe shift focus slightly towards co-occurring conditions or disabilities, bearing in mind that his future autistic clients may well have additional needs?  Just wondering whether there is any way to draw positives from his current situation and make it more palatable.

Plastic as ever has the low down. ;)

I have ASD and didnt really know for a lot of years.  I've had a lot of jobs, longest i've ever stayed was 3 years, long ago in an IT job back in the 90s.  I stayed so long because my office was in the server room in the basement and people left me alone to do it.  I explained to my boss on day one that I didnt really do people and had gotten a job where by I specifically didnt have to interact with people on a regular basis.  in return for people not bothering me aas much as possible, I would work hard and keep the servers online and the establishment running.  For 3 years it was absolutely brilliant.  After that they moved me into an office full of people.  I quit.  They tried to rehire me for the old job after my replacement killed the servers overnight, but I have a self rule that i only work at a company only once in my lifetime.  If they burn me for some reason, then thats it.  I move on.

I then worked as roadie, forklift driver, courier, in a supermarket, at Roddhas cream in Cornwall (avoid at all costs) and my average job retention is about 3 months.  I do things, get bored, move on, rinse, repeat.  I also probably have ADHD which im waiting for a diagnosis on.  That may help a little with the boredom bit and lack of motivation and drive, or at least the meds I will get for it will.  I know several people with ASD that have never had a job, several more that have worked for big institutions like the BBC but never really made a lot of money.  Only one person I know who has ASD ever made any real money.  He started a cleaning company and sold it three years later for a 7 figure sum.  He was doing hazmat level cleaning of morgues and other medical facilities.  Made a ton of money doing it.  He is one out of seven.  If you want your boyfriend to have a more permanent job then Autistic Entrepreneur has the best suggestion.  He needs to start his own business, which would then allow him to manage his own project(s).

Probably the best way to avoid these issues is taking time to build his own thing, particularly online where interaction with others is more under his control. I don't know much about his interests, but from what you said so far I'm thinking remote tutoring young autistics maybe a good business to consider. Running it as online work removes the math problem Plastic mentions.

He's suffering from a maths problem - we only make up a small percentage of the population so limiting himself to that small area probably won't work out for him.    We tend to gravitate to other auties/aspies because it's less stressful than dealing with NTs.  

Are you able to talk to him about all this?    It seems he's aiming at the jobs where we will fail.

Also, any supervisor where he works should be made to understand that letting the staff pick on him opens them up to financial jeopardy if he takes them to a tribunal under the equalities act.- basically put a rocket up their bums to get with the program.

It’s normally the work load that he can’t deal with. He goes for jobs which anyone would find stressful (he works in care - he wants to only work with people who are autistic but they end up getting him to work with other mental illnesses/disabled people but that isn’t his interest). I personally don’t think he should work in this field just because how it affects him mentally but he keeps going back to it. The longest job he has had since I’ve been with him was a behind a bar in a restaurant where he didn’t have to speak to any customers but the people he worked with picked on him for not understanding their jokes. So it’s kind of a mixture of both. 

What is it about the job that becomes the problem?   Is it the work or the people?     Does he have the ability to just go in, do what's needed and take the cash or does he try too hard to make the job fit his needs?   Is is a lack of clarity in the task?     What causes his inability to cope?

Every job I've had have agreed to lots of accommodations but rarely deliver them.     NTs just don't seem to care enough to be constant in their actions.

Hi, 

I’m not asking for a big house or lots of money. We bought our first house together last year so we both agreed to get a mortgage of which now I’m the one paying it (along with the bills and groceries) so I’ve become pretty stretched as far as pay check goes. I’m actually having to ask for money from my family so we can get through each month.

My view on life is just want us to be happy but unfortunately you need money to get through life.

Id love to be able to support him financially but I can’t. He wants a job so he can afford to go on holidays and do fun things but he’s just started this new one and already wants out. What can I do to help him? I do tell him that it’s not about what you do so long as you enjoy it.

He is at his happiest when he is not working but after a few weeks of that he is ready to try work again. It always seems that not one company that he has worked for will adjust their way of doing things to accommodate his needs. He tells them from the beginning and then he is just ignored. 

Just feeling lost right now and I don’t know who to talk to about all this. 

Can you be my PR please?...lol

Hi - sorry - got some bad news for you - the vast majority of autistic people are unable to hold down a job.    We are poor at playing the NT social game so we stick out like a sore thumb so are bullying targets - and we require very clear and concise instructions and no interruptions while we work - and most workplaces can't be bothered to put the effort in to accommodate us.

There's also a rule of thumb about jobs - there are really only 4 types:

1  Crap job, crap money = most jobs

2  Mega job, crap money = common jobs like vocational, charities, working with animals etc.   Lots of these jobs around where you struggle to survive.

3  Crap job, mega money = rare jobs like stock markets or banking where you get loads of dosh, but hate every second of it - but you have the early retirement option to make it worth doing.

4  Mega job, mega money = rarest of all jobs like a Richard Branson position.

Staying with him depends very much on your aspirations in life - if you want the big house and loads of money, you might want to re-think things.

If you really understand and want what makes you both happy, your view of life might need to change.