Unable to come to terms with bad events and move on - Is this all autism

Indeed, I used to volunteer steaming clothes in local MIND myself. I find I start to struggle over time when distanced from the results of what I so though, being hands on with the problem and seeing the difference made really boost my motivation and ambition to make a bigger difference.

The ability the internet gives us to interact in a tangible rather then abstract way while still ensuring we can control and limit the nature and extent of that interaction, or just unplug for a while, is an amazing tool. 

yes but the MIND shop where I work acts a good social welfare place, even though the volunteers do lots of work for very little outcome. Work is good for health of the mind

I'd add a lot of volunteer organisations have efficiency issue, particularly charity shops which often have little in the way of business expertise. Seeing your replies to other comments this seems to be something that bothers you, could be a good topic to try if interested.

1. I do lots in my church and for volunteering but frustrated it is so inefficient I’ve compared to previously 

Investing always carries risk, however at the same time this is only a temporary state of affairs with Covid and investing in (for example) travel companies now has great potential. Note I am not a financial advisor and this is example only - investing always has risk

I started out my current venture in an attempt at designing my own work therapy, attempting to bring myself from being largely non-functional due to combo of anxiety, depression (environmental - not clinical), and a few layers of post traumatic stuff. The latest layer making me (In my opinion) a potential danger to people around me if I spent to long in environments I couldn't largely control, 1-4 hours depending on how the day was going. Of course I had no idea then where it would lead me to.

I built the idea when I quite suddenly clicked that all my past successful (hobby scale) businesses had followed one basic pattern.

1. Find a need/problem in the world or my immediate circle I have an automatic compulsion to help with.

2. Start work on fixing it

3. Find ways to monetise the things I end up doing most

4. Attempt to solve problem to a point where I've put myself out of business, while working on step 1 of the next idea

From there I went scattershot, starting about 7 facebook pages on various things from tabletop gaming to my views on the nature of perception. Observed for a while and judged which ones I was most engaged in as well as which was more popular. Focused and expanded on that one, as it evolved I found myself fixated on one key topic/problem and rebranded from there. Currently still mostly focused on step 2 though, not a route to quick cash ;)

The only people making money on the stock market are either traders pulling commission off your money or insider traders with a sure thing.    Everyone else is just gambling.  

Why not rejoin with your family and help others?       As long as you're not in a high-risk group, it might give you a different perspective to see how others find fulfilment in their lives - I'm sure they'd willingly accept your assistance and having a purpose and interacting with others might lighten your mood.

definitely if I could find something. I chose to try financial trading, which has been disasterous especially with the Covid issue, so again I feel a failure. My family have never been veruy ambitious and their interests are nature and caring for others - currentlty doing loads of extra high risk work and not getting any pay for it...…………...

I'd also look for a reason other then regret. Something you want to build or become in the world to replace the fixation on past events. Not fixating on anything is infinitely harder then actively fixating on a positive activity.

... or listen to anyones advice it would seem??

I'm Not sure what he expects people on here to say? We are not experts, Psychiatrists or Psychologists,  we just have a common diagnosis of Autism. I keep my anxiety and depression under control with medication when I need it. If I feel OK, I stop taking the drugs.

I'm not sure what his continued threat of  Suicide is supposed to achieve.

Maybe mindfulness group that includes active discussion, would give a chance to share experiences with people less result focused then the therapist. As usual I like Deepthought's and Trogluddite's ideas, and may use them myself

Good luck

Thanks yes I have tried tai chi and now had some thousands of hours of psychotherapy and now have the feeling that my psychotherapist, as some here, are feeling negative countertransference: ie anger that I am not improving or going away. Hence they view me as being manipulative . This is a common reaction to people with chronic suicidal distress, but is minute in magnitude compared with that experienced by the person with distress.

I found great benefit on this from mindfulness training (in context of philosophy of self-compassion and emotional resilience short courses tend to leave out). Though short mindfulness courses without context can be dangerous for us as they lead to increase in sensory overload without the resilience aspect, and people pleasing without the self-compassion. Also they can expose deeper issues like c-ptsd which need more time to work though. If there are any ongoing meditation groups accessible to you I give them a look, check how well you can communicate with the 'tutor' before starting if possible.

Tai-chi is also helpful, particularly if you want a stronger focus on resilience aspect that maybe of more help to you.

Sadly many therapists assume we can learn these things in the same way neuro-typicals can, and this often leads to disaster. Short term courses are great for many, but not suited to us. However be aware as I said deeper issues can emerge, and seeing a qualified therapist if that happens is a good idea.

I can certainly sympathise with the problem of repetitive, fixated thinking, as no doubt many other autisic people can. I don't think it's necessarily being autistic per se which makes us this way; rather that, since other people's social behaviours are often opaque to us, and our innate ways of thinking are so often characterised as being "wrong", we become pathologically attuned to cataloguing mistakes, misunderstanding, and regrets, in an attempt to prevent them from recurring. A coping strategy taken too far, you might say, to the point of trapping us in a tar-pit of past negative experiences because we've burned them so deeply into our memories.

But taken in small steps, the kind of techniques suggested by Deepthought can certainly help in my experience. Possibly the most important step is to accept the thoughts themselves, and to remind ourselves that they are both unwanted and not directed by our true wishes. It's like the old adage about "not thinking of the elephant": one cannot put a thought process out of one's mind merely by striving to do so, as the act of striving provokes those very thoughts. It is very important not to punish oneself, however indirectly, merely for having had such thoughts come to mind (I shall not refer to it as "mindfulness", as the term has been so misapplied and misunderstood in recent years).

So when the subject comes to mind, try to pause, and consciously remind yourself...

• I am experiencing an unwanted and unhelpful thought right now.
• This is acceptable, as I cannot consciously prevent it.
• I do not need to rationalise or justify the thought, nor my having had it.
• The thought requires no action beyond acknowledging its presence.
• It can and will pass.

I find that this works much better when spoken out loud or by reading it. I think that sending and receiving the message through a different "channel" than my habitual internal dialogue helps the message to sink in - it makes a break in the never ending circle, so to speak.

It isn't a quick-fix, of course; nothing is- but with practice and persistence, even if the thoughts do still occur, the anxiety which they might cause is much relieved, and this in turn makes refocusing my mind much easier. And, lest you think I'm only talking about trivial distractions, this is how I have learned to cope with the suidical ideation which I have experienced nearly every day since childhood - I now look upon those thoughts as if I am merely a disinterested observer of the workings of my mind; a mere phenomenon, not a motivation nor intention.

Best wishes.

DaveAsperg said:

hanks yes good idea to put the worst first and best last.. music is good too

The music thing in addition definitely yes. Maybe try Bineural Beat Therapy Music if have ear bud or standard headphones, via this LINK perhaps ~ whilst writing or pondering or even just as a pleasant / therapeutic distraction.

Thanks yes good idea to put the worst first and best last.. music is good too

Thanks plectrum. And I analyse you and conclude you are a useful and pleasant musical wonder. You have been there and I suspect  very few know how terrible that place is and there is no choice in the decision eventually. 

2 of my children are also doctors but that is not a great job at present ( one has had  patient die from the virus), but what the media doesn't say is that virtually all are over 80 yrs old and have other major illness.

Hi

start by clearing up what can be cleared up or lightening the burden.

eg.  you mention you failed your children by not helping their careers (forgive me if the quote is not accurate but that was the gist). My folks were in no position at all to help me in my education or career. I don't expect them to launch me into a career or help, to be honest. They could maybe have done more but they kept me alive and gave me a roof and clothes and a family. I got a job regardless.  

So, can you ask your family to forgive you for failing them? forgive you for spending too much time at work?

Can you ask your wife the same? Can you ask her to forgive you for financial losses, if what you have left is enough?  

Lastly, give  a bit of help to others (which I have seen you doing on this forum the last few days), keep going, that is definitely a tonic.

This will not deal with the big problem but might get a few ounces off your shoulders.

I used to be fixated daily with su**idal thoughts but I gradually realised during CBT and other therapies that while my heart is pumping, it is keeping me alive.  When you are about to it commit sui***de it really pumps extra hard, right?!  it wants to stay alive, and keep me alive. That is the margin between life and death, not money or shame or status. And I shouldn't try to stop it.  

DaveAsperg said:

I keep posting on here about the same event which I seem totally fixated on and seem unable to move on in my life after years of trying.

Has anyone fund an effective way to move on?

Medication no help, psychotherapy no help

Desperate

Before you tap / click the tab ~ reorganise and adapt your narrative frameworking to something more as follows:

Desperate.

Medication and psychotherapy have so far been no help. 

I have kept on posting on here about the same event which I seem rather fixated on and seem unable to move on from after years of trying.

Has anyone found an effective way to move on?

I have not edited everything that could have been, but hopefully you get the drift on this process.

This technique is one I and many others use in terms of putting the worst first and second the best so that the downward spiral of one's narrative includes an upwards spiral, which in fact you are already demonstrating in terms of your narrative theme content. So in terms of things not being all that they they seem ~ you are moving on, definitely. Small steps and all that ~ progress! 

DaveAsperg said:

I presume you were one who complained about my post and asked for it to be removed

Wrong.

But you still won't assess your resources to work out a way forwards.

SOrry to hear of your problems but I am envious that you can move on mentally. Initially I thought it would just settle with time , but it didn't I have sent my life being a "fixer" and tried numerous techniques, the last of which was asking on here. Never before had I posted on a website.

I am very frightened of suicide and see Iam now in the "exhaustion hopeless phase" and feel I have failed at it all. Persoanlly I think this is a reason why autistics are such poor suicide risk people.

I presume you were one who complained about my post and asked for it to be removed