Finding a relationship

I agree with you about saturday night TV and mass culture generally. As soon as people start talking about that I am completely lost. Unfortunately it seems that for a lot of people their lives revolve around it as you say. It's pointless being friends or more with someone if you're not going to be happy, which goes back to the lesser of two evils thing.

There are good and bad Meetups I think, but that goes for most things I suppose. I got chatting to a lady at one about 18 months ago and it was uncanny how we seemed to be on the same wavelength about pretty much everything, similar interests etc. She admitted to suffering from social anxiety etc but I got the impression that she liked chatting to people. Anyway, we kept in touch when she left the UK to return to her home country, but after a few months she said that she was struggling a bit and didn't want to talk much and I haven't heard from her since. I'm very worried about what has happened to her and I still miss being able to talk to her. I should say that it was only a friendship but one that I valued very much for the short while that it lasted.

I think this relates to what you say about your friend from the past in that I think that you're right that we only tend to click with people who have similar 'issues' to us. I apologise if that terminology causes inadvertent offence, but hopefully you know what I'm trying to say. By virtue of that it's probably inevitable that they may seem distant/aloof etc at times which doesn't really help any kind of relationship. I would admit that my recent experiences have driven me even more into my shell, which makes me less inclined to make the effort to try and meet someone. It's a real chicken and egg thing isn't it. Maybe you agree?

You have to go with your gut instinct I think. If it was me and I wanted more than friendship with someone then I think that you have to blurt something out sooner or later don't you, but if not then don't! I definitely think that men and women can be friends but I know this opinion is far from universally held.

I had broadly the same experience with dates despite my being fully aware of my Autism.  The person i managed to be closest too in terms of multiple meetings is someone i met in a nightclub through friends.  They happened to work in social care dealing with people on the spectrum but they were also a heavy drinker with their own set of problems and abnormalities.  I've only ever been around NT's with problems as they were the only groups that would accept me to an extent.  When i've attended Meetup events i've found the people quite dull at times.  Like talking to your mother or something despite them being much younger.  There's a whole constituency of humans that aren't curious or interested in anything accept bad saturday night telly and home improvement.   These are the ordinary folk who have it all but do i actually want what they have?  I don't think that i do.  There's a lady on my fb whom i really like. We comment on each others statuses and send likes etc but unfortunately she's already seeing someone. Don't want the drama of trying to pull her even though i've had advice from my best Male friend to try to.

Although I still haven't attempted to get a formal diagnosis, I wish that I had had some kind of reasoning for why I wasn't getting anywhere with the online thing at the time. I would definitely have mentioned it pretty soon in any correspondence or meeting - it's pointless otherwise. If the other person is that shallow as to do a runner at that point, then there was nothing that I could do about it anyway. Instead I was in denial as to my shyness and hopelessness with social contact, and never got beyond a first meeting with anyone - which in itself I found to be a near impossible achievement. I just got more and more frustrated and depressed, and in the end I decided that being alone was the lesser of two evils.

As to profiles, they were usually just silly jokes. From memory, a couple that positive responses were

"I met a lady at a bungee jumping club once but she was already attached" and

"I wanted to be a bishop when I was younger, but then decided that I didn't want to spend my life only moving diagonally"

I would of course turn my nose up at the suggestion of a quick shag. I am so shocked and appalled by this notion! haha

I have made some effort.  You can glean an amount about me from my profile.  Would love to meet another despairing and literate, Egalitarian on there.

You are of course right.  I will let them ask what's wrong with me at some conversational point.  Obviously i will have to mention it at some point though.  Being very deceptive is just not me i don't think. So i'm not cut out for this.  I do have an 8 year old photo though so i am capable of such feats haha

I have previously had some rough experiences with them. I didn't tell other people i was Autistic then.  Not paying for anything these days.  Plastic is probably right about people only using them for an ego boost and sex. It's all tinder these days anyway isn't it. I'm not getting involved in that! Think i'll stick to OKcupid with the other oddballs. Need to find the oddball for me.

A few years back when I got involved in this nonsense thinking that I would find happiness through it, I was naive and stupid enough to think that people accepted each other for who they are in that environment. That's the spin from the sites anyway, and they are more than happy to take people's cash of course. Sounds like it's even worse now if you're asking others to help you to tell lies about yourself and con people! I still wish you well though, and I hope that your confidence, self-esteem, trust of other people etc etc doesn't end up on the floor like mine still is to an extent. Honesty is definitely not the best policy it seems, and what basis is that for a relationship!

I wouldn't put ANY negatives in a profile - remember, it's an initial contact you're looking for so you don't shoot yourself in the foot.       Unspecified problems always put people off.      Too much detail about your problems labels you just as a collection of problems.

If you meet someone you really get on with, you become a big pile of positives with a couple of small negatives - a net positive.

"Deaf hunchback with speech impediment and serious bell fetish seeks tall slim model."

Or

"Frenchman with a love of language and live music seeks open-minded, adventurous woman."

My head isnt working on all cylinders at present, but I did consider that you could play on the statement Lost and Found, maybe something like, "Currently lost and looking for someone special to find me".  Its maybe too cheesy, but you arent lying, and you are looking for someone special, ie, maybe an ND, to find you.  Just a thought.  But try and be clever with your use of language   Anyone can put "hi, looking to hookup" or worse.  But you presumably, are looking for more than a quick shag.  So make a little effort. ;)

Also whilst i think on my profile just mentions an unspecified disability. haha.  Hilarious right?  I just don't know how to sell myself in todays (meat) market.

Being unemployed comes into it too as people will want to know the reasons why.  It would reflect even more poorly on me if people thought i was a JSA case.  (wrongly in my view but there you go).  Any idea what my lie should be to explain why i don't have a job? Surely it is just easier for me to tell the truth.  (Going to copy and past the same response to both of you)

Being unemployed comes into it too as people will want to know the reasons why.  It would reflect even more poorly on me if people thought i was a JSA case?  (wrongly in my view but there you go).  Any idea what my lie should be to explain why i don't have a job? Surely it is just easier for me to tell the truth.  (Going to copy and past the same response to both of you)

As somebody who is very new to autism, but had it all my life I would not mention it. It would be something I would bring up on a second, or third date. Dating is a matter of luck in the first time but ASD does make it some much more difficult.

I would never mention I'm ASD in a profile - it's a spectrum condition but most people will imagine a RainMan-type person and immediately discount an otherwise perfect match.     

I'm thinking about expunging the fact that i am Autistic from my dating profile.  I guess my ideal person would not care but the world is far from ideal.   I need to con someone into thinking i'm an normal person and then tell them about ASD when they're already too far in.  Play it like an NT would.  Thoughts anyone?  Did you reveal that you were ASD in the text? I'm guessing no for most people.

Hi there, 

Thanks for sharing your post.

I think it is a matter a lot of individuals can relate to.

In particular, someone on the autistic spectrum.

It is never that straightforward or clear cut.

From the 'being yourself' to things you should or shouldn't do.

Play it cool or too hard to get?

It is quick a mixture of things to contend with.

I have tried online dating.

From that experience, it wasn't for me.

DIfferent things suit different people.

We are each to are own.

What might work for one person may not apply the same for the other.

It is easy to get caught up with the pressures or expectations on top.

The thing to take away from this.

When one door closes another will open.

It just takes a considerable amount of time.

WIth time comes knowledge, some clarification and hopefully peace.

You won't always get the answers.

However, you can try to rectify the issues or problems raised.

It is important to remember your self-worth and value within yourself.

You have a part to play not just in yourself.

You hold a vital part more ways than one.

Being on your own, isn't always a negative thing.

At the same time, the choice remains with the person(s) themselves.

Relationships, can be hard to grasp.

But, this doesn't mean there is nothing out there.

It helps to remember the qualities, attributes and skills you have.

Just because, one person may have said no.

Does not mean you are not good enough.

Or that, you are the one at fault.

There will be times when things do not always go to plan.

Or how you would like.

At least, by that time things seem a bit clearer.

Do not be misled to believing that it is one way or no way.

Each person has something they can offer no matter how big or small.

Do this for you (easier said than done).

More so, for your 'why' or 'right' reasons.

A bit like a 'light bulb' or 'eureka' moment.

It is important to know that 'perfection' is a hard task in itself.

In my view, I do not seek perfect or perfection.

It is the 'little things' that counts.

Don't get me wrong.

Gifts can be a nice gesture.

On the flip side, it can give the wrong message.

Depending in which context.

Keep the faith and hold on.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

I am sorry if this doesn't answer your query.

But, I hope some of what has been said is useful. 

I used Internet dating for a few years without success.  Eventually, I found a great relationship through Plenty of Fish. One Valentine's day, I sent off a lot of messages to possible (in terms of compatibility score, geography etc) women on the site basically saying "Happy Valentine's Day.  Would you like to correspond with me?".  This did the trick.

Could think about it as a type of marketing, to get the product (yourself) noticed in a crowded field.  Here is an example of a guy who came up with a novel idea.  "Single man Mark Rofe hires billboard in bid to find love":

www.bbc.co.uk/.../uk-england-south-yorkshire-51332996

I think dating sites may have changed, from what I hear. I am 50 and met my wife of 15 years on one. Due to social anxiety I could not bring myself to chat up girls in pubs etc, I did not have a clue. All my relationships had been through work until internet dating. Back in the early 2000's I think it was just for serious people there was no swiping , it was more of a lonely hearts type thing. Maybe look at some of the more formal sites, don't get in too far too quick, play it cool and don't appear desperate.

Well, one of my friends has neurofibromatosis, and he's recently married. What you need is someone who's not going to judge you. He's a great guy and at least she can see that. Some people just see the surface. I think in our cases, it's hard to show people our good side so they don't just label us as "weirdos" or something like that. (I've had that, just because of how I look and act... not for anything sinister.)

Hi there!

I found my fiance on a dating site(as stated by many below, this is just great because you can type and therefore think about your answers). We used a somewhat different site (a metalheads based site) this helped alot because we immeddiatly had a common interest so had something to start talking about. So maybe find a site that is for your interest.

I was already diagnosed with Aspergers at the time but my fiance wasnt. I actualy pushed him to get tested because i suspected some form of autism with him. And well. He's totally autistic too.

Also please be aware that you never ever HAVE to find a relationship. We are brought up with the idea that we have to mary and get babies. The babies idea is already slwoly dying but having a relationship says nothing about your quality of life or you as a person. So please dont start a relationship because you have to and only because you love and care about a person and want to be with them.

Also know that with autism (even when the partner also has it) its always hard work to have a relationship. There will be moments that you just cant understand eachother (and partial mutism might make this worse). Usualy the best route for this is to both forgive eachother and just try to work together after a good cry together. We just need a cool down period before this can happen. I learned not to panic when my fiance walks out the door when we have an argument. I know he isnt leaving me. Just leaving the conversation to be able to calm down.

Any questions you have are welcome!