After a lifetime of masking, how do I unmask?

Yes me,I'm 46 and male. I mask with my ramily most and when I'm out.

When I'm at home,bellyI laugh at something and my family look at me odd. I do something or something that stresss them out,because I don't want upset poeple I mask again. 

I can only unmask when I'm alone, I doorknob how to other wise 

If I want talk about it my wife won't talk,her answer is she knows lots of autism people and I'm like that,so won't talk. I have to mask again.

I started reading this book a couple of days ago, it's well reviewed and I am finding it great so far.

Here's the step-by-step I took, calling it a 'Personal Everest'. You can watch and mimic through all 30 episodes: [link removed by moderator]

I would second what Prankster and Christmas Cards are saying. Maybe the question will be more easy to answer if you put it in a need, an actionable context.

For example, if you are exhausted and in meltdown often, what would help? Then maybe it will be easier to see what your needs are and how to prioritise them?

II suppose I unmasked a little by reducing the occasions when I need to mask. I don't socialise with people who drain me, unless there is a structured purpose to this. 

You have to explain it a bunch of times but I guess that acts like an icebreaker into discussing mental health...

Also, when I'm 'in the red' I verge toward being non-verbal, so having primed the people around me that this is the case means they don't make demands on me that mean I need to mask when I'm least able to...

tell me too!

Yes, I like the spoonometer very much.  :) 

If I get there Plastic, I will let you know

Thats actually really great advice, I like the spoonmeter idea also

Hi Orinoco, Im 38 and theres a five year plus waiting list. My GP is amazing with ASD and (as well as a few other professionals) has mentioned that I very probably have autism /aspergers. So it was only this last year really that I realised oh wow i do x y and z that others don't do, which included masking. So I'm finding my feet a little as I feel lost. I hope you get your help sooner than 5 years! I will look into the books, thank you for the recomendations

For me, the first step was telling people about my diagnosis...

...then explaining what that meant...

...then explaining 'masking' and how exhausting that is...

...then explaining 'spoon theory' and how when I have 'low spoons' I find it really hard to 'mask'...

...then putting a 'spoonometer' (traffic light system) on desk to indicate my current spoon levels so they were prepared if I didn't want to/couldn't interact in a 'NT appropriate' way

...by that point it was already simply easier to just 'be myself' and the need to mask/stress of feeling the need to mask had reduced to the point where I didn't actually need to mask as much in the first place as I was in a 'better place' anyway...

If people understand why you might act in way they find 'odd/inappropriate' and can accept it, then you don't need to mask

I didn't know what masking was for most of my life, but I realise now that I do it all the time, and just becoming aware of that hasn't helped me to stop doing it. However, I am on a very long waiting list to find out whether I have Asperger's syndrome in the first place, so I've been reading self help books while I wait, about anxiety and depression as well as autism.

Recently I've been reading  books by Sarah Knight, but if you are offended by swearing you would be put off by the titles, not to mention the contents. She has written "The life changing magic of not giving a f**k", "Get your s**t together", "You do you" and "Calm the f**k down". They aren't aimed at people with autism particularly, but at anyone who is trapped in a cycle of doing what other people expect of them to the point of emotional self harm. And in spite of what it might sound like, she isn't advocating becoming a selfish person or a psychopath, just restoring a healthy balance.

I personally have found her sweary and humorous style more readable than a lot of other self help books I've tried, and I would recommend them to others, but she might be an acquired taste to some.

mouse2 said:

After a lifetime of copying people to fit in (without realising) how do I stop?

If you find out - please let me know.... 

The way I'm approaching it is to be more ruthless in prioritising my own needs, and actually realising that what I consider ruthless is what most people consider compliant. It takes a lot of soul searching, to work out if you're motivated to do something because you genuinely want to or because you feel obligated for some reason(s), and this is made even more difficult by alexithymia making it hard to understand how we feel about things.

What I know at the moment for instance is that I'm quite happy being at home with my wife and dogs, or out running with our running friends, but apart from that I've honestly no desire to travel anywhere or see other people, family etc. The fact that I'm not motivated to travel e.g. to see my parents or daughters might seem "selfish" or "wrong" if compared to societal norms; but I now know that conforming to what's expected leads to potentially fatal poor mental health and I'm no longer going to risk that. 

So I count some of that as bravery / courage. Like my username says, I'm not sending Christmas cards any more, because it used to wind me up to a high level of anxiety feeling forced into the shops to do something that I considered a pointless and environmentally unfriendly hangover from days before the internet and telephones.

In other ways, my mask didn't survive my burnout - which explains why I awoke from that three month long coma (figuratively speaking) as a different person to the one I seemed to be before, & I now realise that I'm now more authentically me.

I am having exactly the same problem. I have been recently diagnosed with Asperger's at the age of 49. I get through my life by masking and have been doing it so long that, like you, I don't know how to stop masking. As I have become older the effort of masking is becoming exhausting and stressful but I have no idea what I can do about it. Getting my diagnosis was initially a relief, as it explained much of the problems I have experience through my life, but solving this masking problem is key to how I move forward with my condition and I have no idea where to start.

I used to think that I was just unsociable but made an effort in certain situations to be empathic, interested etc. But after a while I would give and go back to be unsociable. I always thought that this was normal like everyone else. Now I think I was social masking and afterva while became too much of an effort to carry on.

I find now, that I am less inclined to "make an effort" ie no mask. I also spend more time with noise cancelling headphones in and that way people tend to leave you alone :)