Would love to connect with someone experienced in the challenges of Asperger's in relationships.

I understand your feelings 

my husband doesn’t initiate sex, dates, goals, finances, kids extracurricular stuff, compliments, paying bills, and primarily focuses on himself and his plans only 

Its a strange feeling because I do believe he genuinely loves me and the kids. 

it’s felt very painful and hurtful! 
The day he came home from work and talked about wanting to find a house cleaner for a girl at work, who was going through a hard time, because her husband died baffled me?? 
It’s so hard when they aren’t there for you emotionally but are willing to be for someone else??? 

My older brother committed suicide and My husband was close to my brother as well. My husband literally immediately dropped me off at my parents house the next day with my 2 really young children and just left me there and drove 2 hours back home because he said he wanted to go back to work. Even though his boss told us both to take our time. 
I was in shock, and still wasn’t even sure what had happened to my brother. I was so disappointed when he just left. 
It still hurts me to this day and confuses me! 
why can he see others pain but not mine?

I understand your frustration. Your Amazing and it sounds like you really love your partner and are doing everything you can. I’ve had the same issues with my husband. The last 2 months he would have severe meltdowns, yelling name calling, extreme anger because my son has Aspergers and his grandfather and one day it was like a light bulb moment when I realized the communication, social cues, anger outbursts during every conversation was because I was almost positive he was on the spectrum too. Last week he came to me and said everything you tell is the same thing people tell me at work, so Yes maybe I am on the spectrum. 
The hardest part right now is finding an AVAILABLE counselor that understands BOTH our brains! I adore my husband but yes the communication and social cues can make you go insane! Now that my son is almost 12 I’ve noticed his issues getting worse because dad has not had behavioral therapy yet. I do know on an encouraging note, your not alone and we can Journey towards Hope together because the love of our life’s are worth fighting for because all their Beautiful strengths far outweigh the other as difficult as some days are for us! 
Blessings to you 

That's really good news and I'm very glad that what I said has helped :-). 

I read this a few days ago and it has put my mind to rest a lot and I can't thank you enough.  What you say rings very true for me and my partner. I've always felt that it wasn't a romantic interest he had, just something else that did make me feel sort of, not enough and that it was just a bit odd. Having this perspective helps massively, I just need to reach the point where I'm able to have this conversation openly with him; I'm working towards it and think I might put it into a clear letter. 

Hi Pepperpocket, yes from what you've said so far it sounds very much like the experiences that I've had. To offer something positive though, none of my experiences resulted in anything much more than me giving way too many complements and this understandably upsetting my wife (as, of course, I told her about it).

I'm struggling to be sure, but for me it seemed to be a feature of the fairly turbulent & distressing time I went through before and as I realised I have ASD, coinciding with "mid life" and wanting something "for me". Now I *know* I have ASD and can understand why and how I'm different, I'm much more chilled and, I suppose, accepting of reality.

I'm incredibly lucky that I have a wife who genuinely loves me and has stood by me through all of my ridiculous behaviours - and it sounds like you love your partner in a similar way.

It's awkward that he "doesn't think it's a problem" & I can relate to that too; it took years of repetition by my wife of things that I did that caused her issues, because they didn't make logical sense to me. As an example, when she was visiting her mum in hospital and coming home late in the evening, she used to say "It really annoys me when you're at home and have a glass or two of wine, because I hate driving home in the dark on my own". My internal reaction was "yep, driving in the dark isn't that nice but not a big deal". It took months for me to understand that what she was saying was "I really struggle with driving in the dark and find the journey home quite terrifying; I *really* hate it.". Because I've always loved driving and wasn't fazed by different weather or lighting, I couldn't feel or understand or relate to her distress.

Somehow, I think you need him to hear that if it's a problem for one of you then it's a problem for both of you (& this obviously applies both ways - saying that might help).

This is not easy stuff but it sounds like conversations here are helping. Keep going back to what you agree on with your partner - that might make him less likely to recoil and hide & be defensive.

Keep talking here too!

I'm glad you're finding it useful - I only joined this community a couple of weeks ago and everyone seems so supportive

Hope everything goes well with the letter.

I think a letter is a brilliant idea and something I can work up to once I've worked out what I want to say and clearly :)  It also removes the likelihood that the stream of communication is brought to a halt by reactive emotions like anger - you're spot on about "shutting down through fear" because I definitely do panic and end up feeling like I never said what I wanted to say! He is highly intelligent and very fast in an argument; I can't keep up. 

Coming here has been the best action I've taken and I have to thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I love the support of family and friends but this is an area they cannot relate to and it becomes impossible to discuss properly. 

I will definitely be writing a letter. 

I've had a read-through of your replies and the issue you explained to "I'm done with Christmas cards".

I think that working on your own self-esteem is really positive, and it's something you can work on while you're in the relationship. Maybe you'll find yourself feeling more confident in communicating with him when you feel there are issues. 

It sounds like you really care about him and want this to work. In terms of worrying that this paints a bad picture, I know that relationships (and humans!) are complex, so I'm sure he has his good qualities too.

As silly as it sounds, do you think it'd be worth writing your feelings down in a letter (including the things you love about your relationship/him, as well as what you'd like to work on as a couple)? Maybe getting it all down on paper would A) Help you to say what you want to without shutting down through fear, and B) Give him some more time to process the information and reflect on it. You'll know better than I would in terms of how he'd react, but if you think he'd take it alright, it might be worth a try.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you. You sound like a very caring and loyal person.

Thank you DuckBread. Our biggest current issue is best described in my first reply to "Done with Christmas Cards". However, regardless of that, you are right. The therapist I'm has been keen to put my own needs the focus of my personal development right now and fulfilling them without reliance on my partner. I've been habitually putting them last for the sake of the relationship which I'm told is effectively telling myself I'm not important.

I still want the relationship to work, but it's not real whilst I'm in a position of fear (of him leaving) because it renders me completely powerless when it comes to telling each other what we think and want. I want to keep the relationship because of how amazing we are together the rest/80% of the time and I love and admire so many things about him. I'm conscious that coming here and effectively complaining about the worst bits really paints a bad picture of him, but everything's great when we're not dancing around these touchy complexities and my huge reluctance to bring up ASD as a factor. 

Hi Starbuck, Thank you so much for your openness & sharing this perspective. Recently part of me has resorted to thinking I should perhaps leave it alone and maybe it will take her making-a-move for him to realise (if she is going to). Otherwise, I am pulling my hair out, losing sleep and potentially driving him away worrying about it :/  I suspect she just likes the attention she's getting from him, but it still hurts, especially because I miss getting that attention from him myself. 

I wrote a list of all the reasons I felt threatened, including the fact my previous boyfriend was seduced by another woman into having sex. After sharing all of this he said I needed to see a therapist which is what I’m doing now (which comes across as dismissive and incredibly harsh but I think he genuinely thinks I need the help and wants to distance himself from the complex & intense emotional stuff). 

Maybe instead of my past experiences, I should convey what the experience has been like seeing him chat with her until late, hearing that he compliments her and not me etc. I really just feel like he won’t manage to empathize, but at the same time I know he’d be so unhappy if it was me investing this time in a new male friend (this is a point he’s never been able to answer).

Thank you so much for sharing this, I’m glad I came here. “Infatuation” does sound like the right word to me in our case too to be honest and I haven’t worried about a physical affair; he has actually suggested us hanging out with her until I started questioning the “oddness of their relationship”. An emotional affair without him realising is what I’m ultimately scared of – or me getting it wrong and pushing him away.

I’m in a phase now where I am sort of going with it, but it doesn’t feel right that he now has a male-female friendship that I am shielded from (in case I react badly). One of the most painful and cruel-fate parts of this is that he will only ever see her good side; however she wants to present herself in public or online (what a luxury), whereas he lives with every trial and tribulation of all normal relationships with me, lives with my annoying habits, sees me at my worst and associates me with the stress of work (we also work together). She must seem like an angel.

For now, I’m sticking it out until I can find a way to communicate. I so desperately want us to go to couples’ therapy or explore a diagnosis, but it’s not up to me. We were once chatting casually about ASD and when the question of diagnosis came up and he said he’s not interested because he doesn’t think it’s a problem; I was screaming inside but too scared to tell him how I believe it does play a chunky part in some relationship issues we have.. Of course it’s not all him, but it feels impossible to suggest the ASD factoring in without sounding like I’m laying all the blame on him.

It’s so unfair, I love him so much and everything was wonderful until this girl came along… I must admit though, he does have a historic pattern of gravitating towards young women for friendship. What you say about the apsie test could certainly explain a lot.

I am diagnosed ASD and have been through a similar thing with a past partner.  I became good friends with a male who my boyfriend at the time thought was inappropriate and the start of an affair.  Although being autistic doesn't mean that you will never cheat, I can honestly say that my friendships were just that to me - friendships and completely platonic.  

What I failed to miss and still kick myself about this to this day is the other person was up to a point, manipulating my naivety, so that they disrupted my relationship with the hope of taking that place.  This was never clear to me until the 'friend' made their intentions clear and I was absolutely horrified!  As mentioned above  by others, if I find someone or something fascinating - I will keep going on about it; however that doesn't mean I want to start an affair with that person.

Not sure how your partner would feel about this approach but you might have to help him 'be in your shoes' so to speak.  Ask him how would he feel if the tables were turned.  Talk him through what you see and make him visualise the situation the other way round, but keep emotions downplayed - I get overwhelmed when people display strong emotions.

I'm not 100% sure how to respond without knowing the full context of the challenges you're having, but here are my thoughts (as an autistic person in a relationship)...

It's great to have an understanding partner who's sensitive to your needs and supports you through the tough times, but it's never okay to make that person feel controlled, trapped or underappreciated.You do need to take care of yourself - if he's treating you badly or making you unhappy, then you need to do what's right for you. Your health and happiness matter too.

Hi again, so it sounds like you've experienced some of the same things that my wife and I have been through with the search for communication, the need to say things explicitly and getting things to click into place in your partner's head (I have lots of examples of this from my own experience).

I can relate too to what's going on between your partner and the female friend. My wife and I are super honest with each-other and I think this is down to my ASD and, potentially, her's too (I've just been diagnosed and she's six months behind me in the process). Part of this super-honesty happens if either of us gets infatuated with someone; we just tell each-other. And, again *maybe* as part of ASD, this infatuation has been something I've been particularly susceptible to. There's a question on the Aspie Quiz that asks "Do you tend to develop romantic feelings for people that persistently shows interest for you?" and I've certainly found that when a woman shows any kind of human care or platonic interest, I can feel "chosen" in some way and this can lead me to want to elicit more of the "interest" - which possibly represents the seeds of an "emotional affair". I'm alert to this now and it's not a problem (and I'm off social media which provides a platform for such connections to develop) - but in the past my honesty has caused my wife understandable hurt.

So, whilst I can relate to it, I'm not sure that I can suggest what to do about it. I can easily imagine your partner becoming very defensive (in a "denial stage" way) if you try to get both of you looking at it objectively. I would take "you're not standing up for yourself" with a pinch of salt, because it may be that rolling with it to a certain degree will be necessary if you want to play the long game. My guess is also that he wouldn't cheat - on the other hand, emotional-only affairs (i.e. no physical aspect) can smoulder for decades and do a lot of damage.

My wife and I have also experienced having the same discussions over and over regularly, with each of us taking turns to forget what we each said last time. Only time and couples therapy and our realisations around ASD seem to have moved us out of these ruts.

So there *are* ways forwards, but I can't say it's easy or simple. Hang in there? It can be worth the effort I guess. Hopefully talking about it here will help with the "bottling it up" problem.

Thanks for your insight. It can be tricky knowing :/  His reaction tends to correlate with how stressed he already is after work or something. 

Yes do be careful it's not controlling behaviour though. There's no place for using autism as a tool/justification for controlling behaviour.

I think I'd put up with a noise like your shoes rather than you having to comply with such a rigid regime of taking them off, but of course we are all different.

Be careful. Hope it works out.

Hi NAS61891,

Thank you for your reply, it's valuable for me to hear that “doing simple tasks in an awkward way” is a common theme. In fact, I’m going to reduce the number of details I share with some people in my life because they do not have this understanding and just get the impression he’s being controlling.

I think we’ve been lucky in the interests and hobbies department because he loves PC & board games which he invites me to join in on. I love it when we do.

Sorry I’ve sort of kept you guessing about the issues we’re facing, I was reluctant to publish too many details online but I’m making it too difficult. As you’ll see from my replies to Christmas Cards and NAS63036, my partner and I are really struggling with communicating about the big stuff and most recently a new friendship he’s been developing with another woman. I feel like I’m surrounded with people that tell me this friendship is “dodgy”. I do think it’s odd (shes 25, he’s 41, I'm 30), but I don’t think it’s a setup for him to cheat. Honestly, I’ve been overthinking this to death.…:

I can’t decide if 1) he thinks its appropriate whereas every NT I’ve spoken to doesn’t i.e. it’s an ASD/social awareness issue, 2) I’m overreacting & everything's rooted in my own insecurity 3) The people I confide in family/friends/therapist are just getting it wrong 4) He likes the female attention, which sucks because surely that’s what I’m for? or 5) He doesn't care if it hurts me.

I must admit, he does seem to gravitate towards young female friendships. Maybe he views them as “safe” people to socialise with? I don’t know. I just remember him being very flattering and calling me “cute” years ago when we were in different relationships, and I’d be distraught if that was happening now with other women.

:/

My final note – I do wish your family could be more empathetic. I suppose it’s complicated with ASD because it’s not second nature for people to stop and think before reacting to stuff out of emotion or frustration. I’ll admit I once started getting tired of having to take my shoes off the second I got home (to prevent the sound of them on the floor) and thought he was exaggerating (it’s hard for NT to relate to) until another ASD person someone somewhere described these annoying sounds to be like “nails running down a chalkboard” – yikes! I’m back to taking them off asap since. Maybe over time you’ll find new ways to tell them what it feels like.

Hi Done With Xmas Cards (love the relatable username), Thank you for your perspective,

What you say about finding the right communication "key" is reassuring. Conventional counselling methods like "saying I feel x when y happens" don't seem to work for us, so I'm hoping to discover the right formula for us one day. I actually saw an ASD guy on YouTube who says it helps him to take a break when everything's getting too emotionally charged, I'm going to suggest me & my partner try this.

It's very interesting what you say about not remembering things not tagged as important. I wasn't getting the small affectionate things like hugs/strokes/kisses until my therapist encouraged me to communicate it as a need in black and white. My partner's definitely taken it on board too which is huge because I was beginning to feel unloved, and in return, I learnt he'd like more space which I've been able to give him. To be fair I think a lot of this applies to all relationships.

What makes me feel like I'm going insane is when we can't be black and white and I find myself questioning my own thoughts and feelings obsessively, and recently that's been the grey area of relationships with the opposite sex. I think we have very different social norms here and I can’t decide if maybe some of it is down to an ASD social awareness issue:

He (41) recently started developing a new friendship with this girl (25), they were messaging a lot and exchanged 1 or 2 photos, he says he's complimented her too which is fine but stings a bit because he seems to struggle to compliment me - I can’t remember the last time he did. I felt uncomfortable about this new friend and thought it was weird. He cut down the chat (to when I’m not around) and days after a huge row about this he invited her out to a get-together we were having, which was utterly baffling to me (and really illustrates how it’s probably all innocent and perfectly normal to him it is). My support network including my therapist think I’m not standing up for myself, but they're missing 2 keys things 1) I don't want to control who he can/can't be friends with & 2) They're not looking from an ASD perspective where perhaps what he views as socially appropriate is wildly different to me and my confidants.

As it stands, they're still friends and I'm not "allowed" to meet her again (probably because I had a panic the last time I saw him gushing away to her on messenger - I think this was rooted in fear of an argument, (I also panicked the same week when a fictional couple argued on tv!)). I’ve become scared of arguments with him.

I'm certain he wouldn't cheat but the attention he’s giving this other woman in combination with the emotional neglect I’ve felt has been so hard. I feel like I’m not enough. If I try to explain this he argues about why I’m wrong which just makes me feel dismissed. It’s messy because I realise a lot of this is probably due to a lacking in my own self-esteem too.

Today, as far as he's concerned it’s just an argument we once had (months ago now) in the past, but for me (who’s back to bottling up) it weighs heavy on my mind, unresolved. Everything on the surface is good as gold.

I know I've frustrated my wife over the years with many traits, which she and I now know to be attributable to my autism. At times even very little things, like doing simple tasks in an awkward way.

I've also got a very obsessive hobby which has caused serious issues in the past, but now she's a lot more understanding about it, so it was good that I was able to provide some explanation.

In truth I would have perhaps expected a little more empathy from the family since my diagnosis and it hasn't really happened. It might just be their way of saying you are still the same person, or me being too sensitive, or indeed it being hard for them to see it, in contrast to the the way you'd see someone with a broken leg hobbling around, for example.

As "I'm done with Christmas cards" says, without specific examples it isn't possible to give a view on whether the things driving you mad could be attributable to autism.

Hi NAS63306 & welcome. Hopefully you will get quite a few different viewpoints in reply because there are lots of people here in your situation, lots here in your partner's situation, and many (including me, potentially) in an ASD-ASD relationship.

As someone who's just been diagnosed as ASD, I can agree that it's hard to work out sometimes what is unchangeably ASD, what is a personality trait that can be changed relatively easily, what is a stubborn personality trait and what is simply a communication problem. The good new is that even the stuff that is unchangeably ASD can mostly be worked around, and communication problems just need the right "key" to unlock them.

So, for instance, I have a terrible memory when it comes to things that my brain doesn't tag as "important" - but I've worked hard to listen to my wife when she tells me that stuff is important to her and I make an extra effort to remember it (e.g. using the memory app on my iPhone). She is starting to understand that I won't naturally mentally tag stuff as important unless she verbally flags it for me - which might not be classically romantic, but is practical and an expression of my love for her.

What specifically is driving you insane? Give us some examples and I'm sure you will get lots of helpful responses.