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Would love to connect with someone experienced in the challenges of Asperger's in relationships.

Pepperpocket

I love my partner (m, 41, undiagnosed Aspergers) so so much but when it comes to some of our relationship issues I can't work out if some things are "all in my head", whether some things are simply autistic traits I must adapt to or if I'm using autism to justify how he treats me & defend the relationship because I want it to work. I can't do this forever, it's driving me insane. It's something I feel like we should discuss and perhaps even get couples therapy, but at this moment in time he's not even interested in a diagnosis because he doesn't see any problems. 

Parents

  • I know I've frustrated my wife over the years with many traits, which she and I now know to be attributable to my autism. At times even very little things, like doing simple tasks in an awkward way.

    I've also got a very obsessive hobby which has caused serious issues in the past, but now she's a lot more understanding about it, so it was good that I was able to provide some explanation.

    In truth I would have perhaps expected a little more empathy from the family since my diagnosis and it hasn't really happened. It might just be their way of saying you are still the same person, or me being too sensitive, or indeed it being hard for them to see it, in contrast to the the way you'd see someone with a broken leg hobbling around, for example.

    As "I'm done with Christmas cards" says, without specific examples it isn't possible to give a view on whether the things driving you mad could be attributable to autism.

Reply

  • I know I've frustrated my wife over the years with many traits, which she and I now know to be attributable to my autism. At times even very little things, like doing simple tasks in an awkward way.

    I've also got a very obsessive hobby which has caused serious issues in the past, but now she's a lot more understanding about it, so it was good that I was able to provide some explanation.

    In truth I would have perhaps expected a little more empathy from the family since my diagnosis and it hasn't really happened. It might just be their way of saying you are still the same person, or me being too sensitive, or indeed it being hard for them to see it, in contrast to the the way you'd see someone with a broken leg hobbling around, for example.

    As "I'm done with Christmas cards" says, without specific examples it isn't possible to give a view on whether the things driving you mad could be attributable to autism.

Children
  • in reply to NAS61891

    Hi NAS61891,

    Thank you for your reply, it's valuable for me to hear that “doing simple tasks in an awkward way” is a common theme. In fact, I’m going to reduce the number of details I share with some people in my life because they do not have this understanding and just get the impression he’s being controlling.

    I think we’ve been lucky in the interests and hobbies department because he loves PC & board games which he invites me to join in on. I love it when we do.

    Sorry I’ve sort of kept you guessing about the issues we’re facing, I was reluctant to publish too many details online but I’m making it too difficult. As you’ll see from my replies to Christmas Cards and NAS63036, my partner and I are really struggling with communicating about the big stuff and most recently a new friendship he’s been developing with another woman. I feel like I’m surrounded with people that tell me this friendship is “dodgy”. I do think it’s odd (shes 25, he’s 41, I'm 30), but I don’t think it’s a setup for him to cheat. Honestly, I’ve been overthinking this to death.…:

    I can’t decide if 1) he thinks its appropriate whereas every NT I’ve spoken to doesn’t i.e. it’s an ASD/social awareness issue, 2) I’m overreacting & everything's rooted in my own insecurity 3) The people I confide in family/friends/therapist are just getting it wrong 4) He likes the female attention, which sucks because surely that’s what I’m for? or 5) He doesn't care if it hurts me.

    I must admit, he does seem to gravitate towards young female friendships. Maybe he views them as “safe” people to socialise with? I don’t know. I just remember him being very flattering and calling me “cute” years ago when we were in different relationships, and I’d be distraught if that was happening now with other women.

    :/

    My final note – I do wish your family could be more empathetic. I suppose it’s complicated with ASD because it’s not second nature for people to stop and think before reacting to stuff out of emotion or frustration. I’ll admit I once started getting tired of having to take my shoes off the second I got home (to prevent the sound of them on the floor) and thought he was exaggerating (it’s hard for NT to relate to) until another ASD person someone somewhere described these annoying sounds to be like “nails running down a chalkboard” – yikes! I’m back to taking them off asap since. Maybe over time you’ll find new ways to tell them what it feels like.