Would love to connect with someone experienced in the challenges of Asperger's in relationships.

I love my partner (m, 41, undiagnosed Aspergers) so so much but when it comes to some of our relationship issues I can't work out if some things are "all in my head", whether some things are simply autistic traits I must adapt to or if I'm using autism to justify how he treats me & defend the relationship because I want it to work. I can't do this forever, it's driving me insane. It's something I feel like we should discuss and perhaps even get couples therapy, but at this moment in time he's not even interested in a diagnosis because he doesn't see any problems. 

Parents
  • I'm not 100% sure how to respond without knowing the full context of the challenges you're having, but here are my thoughts (as an autistic person in a relationship)...

    It's great to have an understanding partner who's sensitive to your needs and supports you through the tough times, but it's never okay to make that person feel controlled, trapped or underappreciated.You do need to take care of yourself - if he's treating you badly or making you unhappy, then you need to do what's right for you. Your health and happiness matter too.

  • Thank you DuckBread. Our biggest current issue is best described in my first reply to "Done with Christmas Cards". However, regardless of that, you are right. The therapist I'm has been keen to put my own needs the focus of my personal development right now and fulfilling them without reliance on my partner. I've been habitually putting them last for the sake of the relationship which I'm told is effectively telling myself I'm not important.

    I still want the relationship to work, but it's not real whilst I'm in a position of fear (of him leaving) because it renders me completely powerless when it comes to telling each other what we think and want. I want to keep the relationship because of how amazing we are together the rest/80% of the time and I love and admire so many things about him. I'm conscious that coming here and effectively complaining about the worst bits really paints a bad picture of him, but everything's great when we're not dancing around these touchy complexities and my huge reluctance to bring up ASD as a factor. 

  • I've had a read-through of your replies and the issue you explained to "I'm done with Christmas cards".

    I think that working on your own self-esteem is really positive, and it's something you can work on while you're in the relationship. Maybe you'll find yourself feeling more confident in communicating with him when you feel there are issues. 

    It sounds like you really care about him and want this to work. In terms of worrying that this paints a bad picture, I know that relationships (and humans!) are complex, so I'm sure he has his good qualities too.

    As silly as it sounds, do you think it'd be worth writing your feelings down in a letter (including the things you love about your relationship/him, as well as what you'd like to work on as a couple)? Maybe getting it all down on paper would A) Help you to say what you want to without shutting down through fear, and B) Give him some more time to process the information and reflect on it. You'll know better than I would in terms of how he'd react, but if you think he'd take it alright, it might be worth a try.

    Good luck and I hope it all works out for you. You sound like a very caring and loyal person.

Reply
  • I've had a read-through of your replies and the issue you explained to "I'm done with Christmas cards".

    I think that working on your own self-esteem is really positive, and it's something you can work on while you're in the relationship. Maybe you'll find yourself feeling more confident in communicating with him when you feel there are issues. 

    It sounds like you really care about him and want this to work. In terms of worrying that this paints a bad picture, I know that relationships (and humans!) are complex, so I'm sure he has his good qualities too.

    As silly as it sounds, do you think it'd be worth writing your feelings down in a letter (including the things you love about your relationship/him, as well as what you'd like to work on as a couple)? Maybe getting it all down on paper would A) Help you to say what you want to without shutting down through fear, and B) Give him some more time to process the information and reflect on it. You'll know better than I would in terms of how he'd react, but if you think he'd take it alright, it might be worth a try.

    Good luck and I hope it all works out for you. You sound like a very caring and loyal person.

Children
  • I'm glad you're finding it useful - I only joined this community a couple of weeks ago and everyone seems so supportive Slight smile

    Hope everything goes well with the letter.

  • I think a letter is a brilliant idea and something I can work up to once I've worked out what I want to say and clearly :)  It also removes the likelihood that the stream of communication is brought to a halt by reactive emotions like anger - you're spot on about "shutting down through fear" because I definitely do panic and end up feeling like I never said what I wanted to say! He is highly intelligent and very fast in an argument; I can't keep up. 

    Coming here has been the best action I've taken and I have to thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I love the support of family and friends but this is an area they cannot relate to and it becomes impossible to discuss properly. 

    I will definitely be writing a letter.