Would love to connect with someone experienced in the challenges of Asperger's in relationships.

Hi NAS63306 & welcome. Hopefully you will get quite a few different viewpoints in reply because there are lots of people here in your situation, lots here in your partner's situation, and many (including me, potentially) in an ASD-ASD relationship.

As someone who's just been diagnosed as ASD, I can agree that it's hard to work out sometimes what is unchangeably ASD, what is a personality trait that can be changed relatively easily, what is a stubborn personality trait and what is simply a communication problem. The good new is that even the stuff that is unchangeably ASD can mostly be worked around, and communication problems just need the right "key" to unlock them.

So, for instance, I have a terrible memory when it comes to things that my brain doesn't tag as "important" - but I've worked hard to listen to my wife when she tells me that stuff is important to her and I make an extra effort to remember it (e.g. using the memory app on my iPhone). She is starting to understand that I won't naturally mentally tag stuff as important unless she verbally flags it for me - which might not be classically romantic, but is practical and an expression of my love for her.

What specifically is driving you insane? Give us some examples and I'm sure you will get lots of helpful responses.

Hi Done With Xmas Cards (love the relatable username), Thank you for your perspective,

What you say about finding the right communication "key" is reassuring. Conventional counselling methods like "saying I feel x when y happens" don't seem to work for us, so I'm hoping to discover the right formula for us one day. I actually saw an ASD guy on YouTube who says it helps him to take a break when everything's getting too emotionally charged, I'm going to suggest me & my partner try this.

It's very interesting what you say about not remembering things not tagged as important. I wasn't getting the small affectionate things like hugs/strokes/kisses until my therapist encouraged me to communicate it as a need in black and white. My partner's definitely taken it on board too which is huge because I was beginning to feel unloved, and in return, I learnt he'd like more space which I've been able to give him. To be fair I think a lot of this applies to all relationships.

What makes me feel like I'm going insane is when we can't be black and white and I find myself questioning my own thoughts and feelings obsessively, and recently that's been the grey area of relationships with the opposite sex. I think we have very different social norms here and I can’t decide if maybe some of it is down to an ASD social awareness issue:

He (41) recently started developing a new friendship with this girl (25), they were messaging a lot and exchanged 1 or 2 photos, he says he's complimented her too which is fine but stings a bit because he seems to struggle to compliment me - I can’t remember the last time he did. I felt uncomfortable about this new friend and thought it was weird. He cut down the chat (to when I’m not around) and days after a huge row about this he invited her out to a get-together we were having, which was utterly baffling to me (and really illustrates how it’s probably all innocent and perfectly normal to him it is). My support network including my therapist think I’m not standing up for myself, but they're missing 2 keys things 1) I don't want to control who he can/can't be friends with & 2) They're not looking from an ASD perspective where perhaps what he views as socially appropriate is wildly different to me and my confidants.

As it stands, they're still friends and I'm not "allowed" to meet her again (probably because I had a panic the last time I saw him gushing away to her on messenger - I think this was rooted in fear of an argument, (I also panicked the same week when a fictional couple argued on tv!)). I’ve become scared of arguments with him.

I'm certain he wouldn't cheat but the attention he’s giving this other woman in combination with the emotional neglect I’ve felt has been so hard. I feel like I’m not enough. If I try to explain this he argues about why I’m wrong which just makes me feel dismissed. It’s messy because I realise a lot of this is probably due to a lacking in my own self-esteem too.

Today, as far as he's concerned it’s just an argument we once had (months ago now) in the past, but for me (who’s back to bottling up) it weighs heavy on my mind, unresolved. Everything on the surface is good as gold.

Hi again, so it sounds like you've experienced some of the same things that my wife and I have been through with the search for communication, the need to say things explicitly and getting things to click into place in your partner's head (I have lots of examples of this from my own experience).

I can relate too to what's going on between your partner and the female friend. My wife and I are super honest with each-other and I think this is down to my ASD and, potentially, her's too (I've just been diagnosed and she's six months behind me in the process). Part of this super-honesty happens if either of us gets infatuated with someone; we just tell each-other. And, again *maybe* as part of ASD, this infatuation has been something I've been particularly susceptible to. There's a question on the Aspie Quiz that asks "Do you tend to develop romantic feelings for people that persistently shows interest for you?" and I've certainly found that when a woman shows any kind of human care or platonic interest, I can feel "chosen" in some way and this can lead me to want to elicit more of the "interest" - which possibly represents the seeds of an "emotional affair". I'm alert to this now and it's not a problem (and I'm off social media which provides a platform for such connections to develop) - but in the past my honesty has caused my wife understandable hurt.

So, whilst I can relate to it, I'm not sure that I can suggest what to do about it. I can easily imagine your partner becoming very defensive (in a "denial stage" way) if you try to get both of you looking at it objectively. I would take "you're not standing up for yourself" with a pinch of salt, because it may be that rolling with it to a certain degree will be necessary if you want to play the long game. My guess is also that he wouldn't cheat - on the other hand, emotional-only affairs (i.e. no physical aspect) can smoulder for decades and do a lot of damage.

My wife and I have also experienced having the same discussions over and over regularly, with each of us taking turns to forget what we each said last time. Only time and couples therapy and our realisations around ASD seem to have moved us out of these ruts.

So there *are* ways forwards, but I can't say it's easy or simple. Hang in there? It can be worth the effort I guess. Hopefully talking about it here will help with the "bottling it up" problem.

That's really good news and I'm very glad that what I said has helped :-). 

I read this a few days ago and it has put my mind to rest a lot and I can't thank you enough.  What you say rings very true for me and my partner. I've always felt that it wasn't a romantic interest he had, just something else that did make me feel sort of, not enough and that it was just a bit odd. Having this perspective helps massively, I just need to reach the point where I'm able to have this conversation openly with him; I'm working towards it and think I might put it into a clear letter. 

Hi Pepperpocket, yes from what you've said so far it sounds very much like the experiences that I've had. To offer something positive though, none of my experiences resulted in anything much more than me giving way too many complements and this understandably upsetting my wife (as, of course, I told her about it).

I'm struggling to be sure, but for me it seemed to be a feature of the fairly turbulent & distressing time I went through before and as I realised I have ASD, coinciding with "mid life" and wanting something "for me". Now I *know* I have ASD and can understand why and how I'm different, I'm much more chilled and, I suppose, accepting of reality.

I'm incredibly lucky that I have a wife who genuinely loves me and has stood by me through all of my ridiculous behaviours - and it sounds like you love your partner in a similar way.

It's awkward that he "doesn't think it's a problem" & I can relate to that too; it took years of repetition by my wife of things that I did that caused her issues, because they didn't make logical sense to me. As an example, when she was visiting her mum in hospital and coming home late in the evening, she used to say "It really annoys me when you're at home and have a glass or two of wine, because I hate driving home in the dark on my own". My internal reaction was "yep, driving in the dark isn't that nice but not a big deal". It took months for me to understand that what she was saying was "I really struggle with driving in the dark and find the journey home quite terrifying; I *really* hate it.". Because I've always loved driving and wasn't fazed by different weather or lighting, I couldn't feel or understand or relate to her distress.

Somehow, I think you need him to hear that if it's a problem for one of you then it's a problem for both of you (& this obviously applies both ways - saying that might help).

This is not easy stuff but it sounds like conversations here are helping. Keep going back to what you agree on with your partner - that might make him less likely to recoil and hide & be defensive.

Keep talking here too!

Hi Pepperpocket, yes from what you've said so far it sounds very much like the experiences that I've had. To offer something positive though, none of my experiences resulted in anything much more than me giving way too many complements and this understandably upsetting my wife (as, of course, I told her about it).

I'm struggling to be sure, but for me it seemed to be a feature of the fairly turbulent & distressing time I went through before and as I realised I have ASD, coinciding with "mid life" and wanting something "for me". Now I *know* I have ASD and can understand why and how I'm different, I'm much more chilled and, I suppose, accepting of reality.

I'm incredibly lucky that I have a wife who genuinely loves me and has stood by me through all of my ridiculous behaviours - and it sounds like you love your partner in a similar way.

It's awkward that he "doesn't think it's a problem" & I can relate to that too; it took years of repetition by my wife of things that I did that caused her issues, because they didn't make logical sense to me. As an example, when she was visiting her mum in hospital and coming home late in the evening, she used to say "It really annoys me when you're at home and have a glass or two of wine, because I hate driving home in the dark on my own". My internal reaction was "yep, driving in the dark isn't that nice but not a big deal". It took months for me to understand that what she was saying was "I really struggle with driving in the dark and find the journey home quite terrifying; I *really* hate it.". Because I've always loved driving and wasn't fazed by different weather or lighting, I couldn't feel or understand or relate to her distress.

Somehow, I think you need him to hear that if it's a problem for one of you then it's a problem for both of you (& this obviously applies both ways - saying that might help).

This is not easy stuff but it sounds like conversations here are helping. Keep going back to what you agree on with your partner - that might make him less likely to recoil and hide & be defensive.

Keep talking here too!

That's really good news and I'm very glad that what I said has helped :-). 

I read this a few days ago and it has put my mind to rest a lot and I can't thank you enough.  What you say rings very true for me and my partner. I've always felt that it wasn't a romantic interest he had, just something else that did make me feel sort of, not enough and that it was just a bit odd. Having this perspective helps massively, I just need to reach the point where I'm able to have this conversation openly with him; I'm working towards it and think I might put it into a clear letter.