Would love to connect with someone experienced in the challenges of Asperger's in relationships.

I know I've frustrated my wife over the years with many traits, which she and I now know to be attributable to my autism. At times even very little things, like doing simple tasks in an awkward way.

I've also got a very obsessive hobby which has caused serious issues in the past, but now she's a lot more understanding about it, so it was good that I was able to provide some explanation.

In truth I would have perhaps expected a little more empathy from the family since my diagnosis and it hasn't really happened. It might just be their way of saying you are still the same person, or me being too sensitive, or indeed it being hard for them to see it, in contrast to the the way you'd see someone with a broken leg hobbling around, for example.

As "I'm done with Christmas cards" says, without specific examples it isn't possible to give a view on whether the things driving you mad could be attributable to autism.

Hi NAS61891,

Thank you for your reply, it's valuable for me to hear that “doing simple tasks in an awkward way” is a common theme. In fact, I’m going to reduce the number of details I share with some people in my life because they do not have this understanding and just get the impression he’s being controlling.

I think we’ve been lucky in the interests and hobbies department because he loves PC & board games which he invites me to join in on. I love it when we do.

Sorry I’ve sort of kept you guessing about the issues we’re facing, I was reluctant to publish too many details online but I’m making it too difficult. As you’ll see from my replies to Christmas Cards and NAS63036, my partner and I are really struggling with communicating about the big stuff and most recently a new friendship he’s been developing with another woman. I feel like I’m surrounded with people that tell me this friendship is “dodgy”. I do think it’s odd (shes 25, he’s 41, I'm 30), but I don’t think it’s a setup for him to cheat. Honestly, I’ve been overthinking this to death.…:

I can’t decide if 1) he thinks its appropriate whereas every NT I’ve spoken to doesn’t i.e. it’s an ASD/social awareness issue, 2) I’m overreacting & everything's rooted in my own insecurity 3) The people I confide in family/friends/therapist are just getting it wrong 4) He likes the female attention, which sucks because surely that’s what I’m for? or 5) He doesn't care if it hurts me.

I must admit, he does seem to gravitate towards young female friendships. Maybe he views them as “safe” people to socialise with? I don’t know. I just remember him being very flattering and calling me “cute” years ago when we were in different relationships, and I’d be distraught if that was happening now with other women.

:/

My final note – I do wish your family could be more empathetic. I suppose it’s complicated with ASD because it’s not second nature for people to stop and think before reacting to stuff out of emotion or frustration. I’ll admit I once started getting tired of having to take my shoes off the second I got home (to prevent the sound of them on the floor) and thought he was exaggerating (it’s hard for NT to relate to) until another ASD person someone somewhere described these annoying sounds to be like “nails running down a chalkboard” – yikes! I’m back to taking them off asap since. Maybe over time you’ll find new ways to tell them what it feels like.

I am diagnosed ASD and have been through a similar thing with a past partner.  I became good friends with a male who my boyfriend at the time thought was inappropriate and the start of an affair.  Although being autistic doesn't mean that you will never cheat, I can honestly say that my friendships were just that to me - friendships and completely platonic.  

What I failed to miss and still kick myself about this to this day is the other person was up to a point, manipulating my naivety, so that they disrupted my relationship with the hope of taking that place.  This was never clear to me until the 'friend' made their intentions clear and I was absolutely horrified!  As mentioned above  by others, if I find someone or something fascinating - I will keep going on about it; however that doesn't mean I want to start an affair with that person.

Not sure how your partner would feel about this approach but you might have to help him 'be in your shoes' so to speak.  Ask him how would he feel if the tables were turned.  Talk him through what you see and make him visualise the situation the other way round, but keep emotions downplayed - I get overwhelmed when people display strong emotions.

I understand your feelings 

my husband doesn’t initiate sex, dates, goals, finances, kids extracurricular stuff, compliments, paying bills, and primarily focuses on himself and his plans only 

Its a strange feeling because I do believe he genuinely loves me and the kids. 

it’s felt very painful and hurtful! 
The day he came home from work and talked about wanting to find a house cleaner for a girl at work, who was going through a hard time, because her husband died baffled me?? 
It’s so hard when they aren’t there for you emotionally but are willing to be for someone else??? 

My older brother committed suicide and My husband was close to my brother as well. My husband literally immediately dropped me off at my parents house the next day with my 2 really young children and just left me there and drove 2 hours back home because he said he wanted to go back to work. Even though his boss told us both to take our time. 
I was in shock, and still wasn’t even sure what had happened to my brother. I was so disappointed when he just left. 
It still hurts me to this day and confuses me! 
why can he see others pain but not mine?

I understand your feelings 

my husband doesn’t initiate sex, dates, goals, finances, kids extracurricular stuff, compliments, paying bills, and primarily focuses on himself and his plans only 

Its a strange feeling because I do believe he genuinely loves me and the kids. 

it’s felt very painful and hurtful! 
The day he came home from work and talked about wanting to find a house cleaner for a girl at work, who was going through a hard time, because her husband died baffled me?? 
It’s so hard when they aren’t there for you emotionally but are willing to be for someone else??? 

My older brother committed suicide and My husband was close to my brother as well. My husband literally immediately dropped me off at my parents house the next day with my 2 really young children and just left me there and drove 2 hours back home because he said he wanted to go back to work. Even though his boss told us both to take our time. 
I was in shock, and still wasn’t even sure what had happened to my brother. I was so disappointed when he just left. 
It still hurts me to this day and confuses me! 
why can he see others pain but not mine?