Would love to connect with someone experienced in the challenges of Asperger's in relationships.

Hi NAS63306 & welcome. Hopefully you will get quite a few different viewpoints in reply because there are lots of people here in your situation, lots here in your partner's situation, and many (including me, potentially) in an ASD-ASD relationship.

As someone who's just been diagnosed as ASD, I can agree that it's hard to work out sometimes what is unchangeably ASD, what is a personality trait that can be changed relatively easily, what is a stubborn personality trait and what is simply a communication problem. The good new is that even the stuff that is unchangeably ASD can mostly be worked around, and communication problems just need the right "key" to unlock them.

So, for instance, I have a terrible memory when it comes to things that my brain doesn't tag as "important" - but I've worked hard to listen to my wife when she tells me that stuff is important to her and I make an extra effort to remember it (e.g. using the memory app on my iPhone). She is starting to understand that I won't naturally mentally tag stuff as important unless she verbally flags it for me - which might not be classically romantic, but is practical and an expression of my love for her.

What specifically is driving you insane? Give us some examples and I'm sure you will get lots of helpful responses.

Hi NAS63306 & welcome. Hopefully you will get quite a few different viewpoints in reply because there are lots of people here in your situation, lots here in your partner's situation, and many (including me, potentially) in an ASD-ASD relationship.

As someone who's just been diagnosed as ASD, I can agree that it's hard to work out sometimes what is unchangeably ASD, what is a personality trait that can be changed relatively easily, what is a stubborn personality trait and what is simply a communication problem. The good new is that even the stuff that is unchangeably ASD can mostly be worked around, and communication problems just need the right "key" to unlock them.

So, for instance, I have a terrible memory when it comes to things that my brain doesn't tag as "important" - but I've worked hard to listen to my wife when she tells me that stuff is important to her and I make an extra effort to remember it (e.g. using the memory app on my iPhone). She is starting to understand that I won't naturally mentally tag stuff as important unless she verbally flags it for me - which might not be classically romantic, but is practical and an expression of my love for her.

What specifically is driving you insane? Give us some examples and I'm sure you will get lots of helpful responses.

Hi Done With Xmas Cards (love the relatable username), Thank you for your perspective,

What you say about finding the right communication "key" is reassuring. Conventional counselling methods like "saying I feel x when y happens" don't seem to work for us, so I'm hoping to discover the right formula for us one day. I actually saw an ASD guy on YouTube who says it helps him to take a break when everything's getting too emotionally charged, I'm going to suggest me & my partner try this.

It's very interesting what you say about not remembering things not tagged as important. I wasn't getting the small affectionate things like hugs/strokes/kisses until my therapist encouraged me to communicate it as a need in black and white. My partner's definitely taken it on board too which is huge because I was beginning to feel unloved, and in return, I learnt he'd like more space which I've been able to give him. To be fair I think a lot of this applies to all relationships.

What makes me feel like I'm going insane is when we can't be black and white and I find myself questioning my own thoughts and feelings obsessively, and recently that's been the grey area of relationships with the opposite sex. I think we have very different social norms here and I can’t decide if maybe some of it is down to an ASD social awareness issue:

He (41) recently started developing a new friendship with this girl (25), they were messaging a lot and exchanged 1 or 2 photos, he says he's complimented her too which is fine but stings a bit because he seems to struggle to compliment me - I can’t remember the last time he did. I felt uncomfortable about this new friend and thought it was weird. He cut down the chat (to when I’m not around) and days after a huge row about this he invited her out to a get-together we were having, which was utterly baffling to me (and really illustrates how it’s probably all innocent and perfectly normal to him it is). My support network including my therapist think I’m not standing up for myself, but they're missing 2 keys things 1) I don't want to control who he can/can't be friends with & 2) They're not looking from an ASD perspective where perhaps what he views as socially appropriate is wildly different to me and my confidants.

As it stands, they're still friends and I'm not "allowed" to meet her again (probably because I had a panic the last time I saw him gushing away to her on messenger - I think this was rooted in fear of an argument, (I also panicked the same week when a fictional couple argued on tv!)). I’ve become scared of arguments with him.

I'm certain he wouldn't cheat but the attention he’s giving this other woman in combination with the emotional neglect I’ve felt has been so hard. I feel like I’m not enough. If I try to explain this he argues about why I’m wrong which just makes me feel dismissed. It’s messy because I realise a lot of this is probably due to a lacking in my own self-esteem too.

Today, as far as he's concerned it’s just an argument we once had (months ago now) in the past, but for me (who’s back to bottling up) it weighs heavy on my mind, unresolved. Everything on the surface is good as gold.