A question about masking

It’s enough to be made into the scapegoat by the majority, sadly!

Whats-His-Face said:

she told me if she’d known this before the wedding she would of tried to stop it.

Sorry, WHAT? That's outrageous. You have my sympathy.

Yes. But Piggy wasnt autistic. Just chubby asthmatic and short sighted. That's enough I guess to be the weak link in that situation. 

The solution is to make autistic friends. Autistic friends are the best

Yes I would say so. When you don't know about ASD, you don't know that the "learning" you're absorbing from watching social interaction & researching it is building a set of intellectual skills to deploy in lieu of instinctive responses. So that makes it unknowing, if not subconscious.

When I had my burnout 2 years ago, it was like the areas of my brain that had been running those conscious / intellectual scripts blew all of their respective fuses, leaving the "raw aspie" exposed.

Is this why they killed Piggy in Lord of the Flies? A book that I hated when we "studied" it in English Lit but now I remember the backbone of the story and see it play out often........

Original Prankster, I am new to this and reading lots on here and just had to reply to your post. Just diagnosed and never even thought about smell sensitivity until my assessor started asking me about it. I almost laughed when I saw you mention Glade plug-ins. I cannot stand any perfume or strong smells and especially the nasty smells that come from air fresheners and the like. My wife thinks they're great and has two in the house. I call it the Glade game. She plugs one in and switches it on. I wait until she is out and switch it off. She doesn't notice for weeks sometimes. Then when she notices she doesn't seem to realise that she left it switched on before. On the odd occasion she does know she left it on, I say I needed the socket for the vacuum or something and forgot to put it back on. Then, 5 minutes later when she walks out of the room, I sneakily switch it back off again...

Now that I am officially diagnosed and she knows, I am plucking up the courage to tell her the real list of all my issues. This will have to include a confession about the Glade game... 8)

I’m very happy that you’ve had a gd experience telling your in-laws, I unfortunately have not. First time I told her mum she didn’t believe me and said I’m not autistic as I don’t flap my hands, second time I tried to explain to her I ended up talking about my lack of empathy she told me if she’d known this before the wedding she would of tried to stop it. They both don’t understand why I’m not working, they don’t understand autism and aren’t willing to learn. 

Now when I go over I feel more invisible than i’ve ever felt in that house. When her brother come over he doesn’t even acknowledge me and in regards to the wife’s non immediate family, aunts, uncles, cousins etc they don’t even know i’ve got autism and think I’m still working. 

So... when I was diagnosed back in May ('back in' LOL! so 2 months ago) one of the things was 'coming out' to my wife's family.

My interactions with them had been one of the reasons for seeking a diagnosis in the first place. We actually went on holiday with them for a week, 2 days after I got the diagnosis - I had begged not to made to go (before the dignosois) as I figured it would just be no fun for anyone.

Anyway, my wife found an opportunity to speak to my Brother & Sister in law and father in law - their reaction? Supportive and my FiL actually said "Why didn't you tell us years ago? We've been worried that you were married to someone who wasn't very nice..."

The upshot was the fact that I didn't feel the need to mask as much meant I could be more 'me' but also actually didn't need to mask as much... in the end the only tension was between the various members of her family, amongst themselves!

My advice would be to have the conversation, discuss specific things you do and why - for me it was:

 - sensitivity to smell, my SiL used to have different Glade plug-ins in every room which I found overwhelming

 - noise, they are very loud and this would put me on edge, but without the option to 'take 5' to de-stress for fear of being seen as 'rude' I'd just end up so would up up I'd end up being 'rude' anyway

 - they talk '***' the whole time, literally, they can't have 30s with no nose and they fill the noise vacuum with utter meaningless crap... sharing my diagnosis can't stop that, but it gives me an excuse to 'take a walk' or if I do 'snap' at the sheer inanity of what they're talking about it takes a bit of the sting out of it.

If your wife wants a more 'normal' life then I'd suggest she needs to accept who you are and let you be that person... build on the strengths you have while accepting the things you can't change and agreeing to let you only mask when it is really 'worth it'

I am trying, but I’m scared of how the people that don’t understand will react plus like I said before, I get told off for behaving autistically by numerous people. 

I wonder if anyone sees masking as just part of who they are and accept this rather than try to go against it and not mask?

I have to admit,  on a retreat a few months ago, I made a conscious effort to not mask as much as i possibly could and I did feel more relaxed than usual because of this.

Fighting your autism and trying to be normal won't help you with moving forward. The only thing that will truly help you is to embrace your autism and work with it. 

no she allows me to be near her family but tends to nip any autistic behaviour in the butt of which she did before diagnosis, erm yes and no, she is supportive to a certain point but still want's me to get a job and be 'normal' so we can live a 'normal' life. but i don't hold that against her as this diagnosis doesn't only affect me.

Hey, I just read this in passing but I felt the need to reply. Masking can be very exhausting. I only bother to mask when I'm talking with non-autistic people, simply because it makes the interaction run a lot more smoothly and doesn't leave me otherthinking afterwards about what I could have done/said differently, if I was following 'the rules' then that's good enough for me, but it does take a toll on me and drain me. Since being diagnosed with Aspergers at the end of last year I've made friends with fellow autistic people, a couple of people that I was already friends with are also seeking assessment or have self diagnosed. I find that I don't feel the need to mask when I'm with other autistic people, it's a lot less mentally draining. Why won't your wife allow you to be near her family? That sounds very belittling of you if I'm honest. Is your wife supportive of your diagnosis?

I only got diagnosed with aspergers last September at the age of 32 and have somewhat been masking my whole life, well after getting diagnosed I was kinda hoping I’d let go a little, start to be me rather than the person that perceived as normal. Issue is I can’t seem to stop masking and I’m so very tired, exhausted and I feel I can’t do it anymore but I can’t stop myself and what’s weirder is that some people have seen the real me and say they like the real me and yet I do t believe them and still subconsciously mask. Driving me a bit mental to be honest. Also my wife, I love her to bits, she won’t allow me to be me around her family(not that I can any way). I just want it to stop and be free from this cage that I’m in. 

Oh God I hear ya! If universal credit wasn't utterly dickensian I'd be extremely tempted to throw in the towel on work right now. I was supposed to retire at 60 but the bastards keep shoving the age back - like catch 22 I think I'd be actually happy pottering around if only they'd let me retire.

these days I take the view that I'll only mask in the interests of getting paid

Totally

Mind you I  increasingly can't  be bothered even doing that much.

I've probably spent most of my life studying how to mask, can do it pretty well for a few hours at a time if the people around me are relaxed, less if they are not. It's completely exhausting, these days I take the view that I'll only mask in the interests of getting paid. When I was a child I did it to minimise bullying and try (unsuccessfully) to feel less like a nerdy loner. I think I must resent it somewhat. Can't imagine the luxury of peacefully being myself outside of being alone or with other auties.

I might have to read some Shirley Jackson

It's primitive. An instinct.  The instinct to mask is a response to that.