A question about masking

I only got diagnosed with aspergers last September at the age of 32 and have somewhat been masking my whole life, well after getting diagnosed I was kinda hoping I’d let go a little, start to be me rather than the person that perceived as normal. Issue is I can’t seem to stop masking and I’m so very tired, exhausted and I feel I can’t do it anymore but I can’t stop myself and what’s weirder is that some people have seen the real me and say they like the real me and yet I do t believe them and still subconsciously mask. Driving me a bit mental to be honest. Also my wife, I love her to bits, she won’t allow me to be me around her family(not that I can any way). I just want it to stop and be free from this cage that I’m in. 

Hey, I just read this in passing but I felt the need to reply. Masking can be very exhausting. I only bother to mask when I'm talking with non-autistic people, simply because it makes the interaction run a lot more smoothly and doesn't leave me otherthinking afterwards about what I could have done/said differently, if I was following 'the rules' then that's good enough for me, but it does take a toll on me and drain me. Since being diagnosed with Aspergers at the end of last year I've made friends with fellow autistic people, a couple of people that I was already friends with are also seeking assessment or have self diagnosed. I find that I don't feel the need to mask when I'm with other autistic people, it's a lot less mentally draining. Why won't your wife allow you to be near her family? That sounds very belittling of you if I'm honest. Is your wife supportive of your diagnosis?

no she allows me to be near her family but tends to nip any autistic behaviour in the butt of which she did before diagnosis, erm yes and no, she is supportive to a certain point but still want's me to get a job and be 'normal' so we can live a 'normal' life. but i don't hold that against her as this diagnosis doesn't only affect me.

no she allows me to be near her family but tends to nip any autistic behaviour in the butt of which she did before diagnosis, erm yes and no, she is supportive to a certain point but still want's me to get a job and be 'normal' so we can live a 'normal' life. but i don't hold that against her as this diagnosis doesn't only affect me.

Wow! It really does seem as if you've received a lot of negativity since being diagnosed!!

Well we got a new saying now lol

The saying is "nip it in the bud" - i.e. before it starts growing :-)

Unfortunately my wife lives there(I don’t because of all that and more) so I have to go there to visit. 

Not worth educate as I don’t think they care to learn so would be a waste of energy 

Wife is supportive but she won’t do either of those, fight or flight. 

Hopefully once pip stop being ash-holes and realise I need help we will be able to afford our own place and then I will hardly see her lot so win win. 

It wasn’t but I’m glad it made you smile, I can’t see the pun lmao

WOW.

That is just awful and frankly highlights the fact they are ignorant ash-holes (NAS is a bit nanny-state when it comes to obscenities)...

If it were me I'd probably stop going over there, you have a neurological condition and need understanding and support, not ignorance and blame...

You could try to 'educate' them but it doesn't sound like it'd be worth the effort.

Is your wife supportive? If she is then maybe agree to 'bin off' her duckhead family or else she needs to 'fight' them on your behalf.

Hope you get it sorted

Whats-His-Face said:

nip any autistic behaviour in the butt

Hi Jason *am* reading your story with sympathy (I can relate to the ways that family can be so annoying) but this made me smile. Don't know if it's a deliberate pun but it's a good one!

I Am Who I Am said:

I almost laughed when I saw you mention Glade plug-ins. I cannot stand any perfume or strong smells and especially the nasty smells that come from air fresheners and the like. My wife thinks they're great and has two in the house. I call it the Glade game. She plugs one in and switches it on. I wait until she is out and switch it off. She doesn't notice for weeks sometimes. Then when she notices she doesn't seem to realise that she left it switched on before. On the odd occasion she does know she left it on, I say I needed the socket for the vacuum or something and forgot to put it back on. Then, 5 minutes later when she walks out of the room, I sneakily switch it back off again...

Now that I am officially diagnosed and she knows, I am plucking up the courage to tell her the real list of all my issues. This will have to include a confession about the Glade game... 8)

Sorry to quote this whole slab but it made me smile. I can relate so much. I'm OK with some GPIs (Glade PlugIns) but some give me a headache like someone is ramming ice into my eyes. Likewise one particular version of those popular "sticks in oil" air fresheners.

In-laws are cr@p. That's their purpose I think ;)

Former Member thank you, it made very hurt and upset at the time and I don’t think i’ll ever get over it. 

Something I’m definitely aiming to do in the near future

Whats-His-Face said:

she told me if she’d known this before the wedding she would of tried to stop it.

Sorry, WHAT? That's outrageous. You have my sympathy.

The solution is to make autistic friends. Autistic friends are the best

Original Prankster, I am new to this and reading lots on here and just had to reply to your post. Just diagnosed and never even thought about smell sensitivity until my assessor started asking me about it. I almost laughed when I saw you mention Glade plug-ins. I cannot stand any perfume or strong smells and especially the nasty smells that come from air fresheners and the like. My wife thinks they're great and has two in the house. I call it the Glade game. She plugs one in and switches it on. I wait until she is out and switch it off. She doesn't notice for weeks sometimes. Then when she notices she doesn't seem to realise that she left it switched on before. On the odd occasion she does know she left it on, I say I needed the socket for the vacuum or something and forgot to put it back on. Then, 5 minutes later when she walks out of the room, I sneakily switch it back off again...

Now that I am officially diagnosed and she knows, I am plucking up the courage to tell her the real list of all my issues. This will have to include a confession about the Glade game... 8)

I’m very happy that you’ve had a gd experience telling your in-laws, I unfortunately have not. First time I told her mum she didn’t believe me and said I’m not autistic as I don’t flap my hands, second time I tried to explain to her I ended up talking about my lack of empathy she told me if she’d known this before the wedding she would of tried to stop it. They both don’t understand why I’m not working, they don’t understand autism and aren’t willing to learn. 

Now when I go over I feel more invisible than i’ve ever felt in that house. When her brother come over he doesn’t even acknowledge me and in regards to the wife’s non immediate family, aunts, uncles, cousins etc they don’t even know i’ve got autism and think I’m still working. 

So... when I was diagnosed back in May ('back in' LOL! so 2 months ago) one of the things was 'coming out' to my wife's family.

My interactions with them had been one of the reasons for seeking a diagnosis in the first place. We actually went on holiday with them for a week, 2 days after I got the diagnosis - I had begged not to made to go (before the dignosois) as I figured it would just be no fun for anyone.

Anyway, my wife found an opportunity to speak to my Brother & Sister in law and father in law - their reaction? Supportive and my FiL actually said "Why didn't you tell us years ago? We've been worried that you were married to someone who wasn't very nice..."

The upshot was the fact that I didn't feel the need to mask as much meant I could be more 'me' but also actually didn't need to mask as much... in the end the only tension was between the various members of her family, amongst themselves!

My advice would be to have the conversation, discuss specific things you do and why - for me it was:

 - sensitivity to smell, my SiL used to have different Glade plug-ins in every room which I found overwhelming

 - noise, they are very loud and this would put me on edge, but without the option to 'take 5' to de-stress for fear of being seen as 'rude' I'd just end up so would up up I'd end up being 'rude' anyway

 - they talk '***' the whole time, literally, they can't have 30s with no nose and they fill the noise vacuum with utter meaningless crap... sharing my diagnosis can't stop that, but it gives me an excuse to 'take a walk' or if I do 'snap' at the sheer inanity of what they're talking about it takes a bit of the sting out of it.

If your wife wants a more 'normal' life then I'd suggest she needs to accept who you are and let you be that person... build on the strengths you have while accepting the things you can't change and agreeing to let you only mask when it is really 'worth it'

I am trying, but I’m scared of how the people that don’t understand will react plus like I said before, I get told off for behaving autistically by numerous people. 

Fighting your autism and trying to be normal won't help you with moving forward. The only thing that will truly help you is to embrace your autism and work with it.