Why do they do it?

Hi there,  I am all knew to asd, my lil un Bounce has bitten myself his dad and 6 siblings on many occasions and has been doing it to peers and t/a's teechers has well at school.  I was recently recommended reading a book called 'understanding behaviour' available through NAS.

Many times myself and school have had to write down what happened leading up to incident, behaviour, consequences etc on ABC charts, these have been looked at by ed physc. paed etc who have been able to advise me and school on ways to deal with these issues and what Bounce has found hard to deal with leading up to the incident.

Not sure if this would help, but its def worth a try. Bounce has to have visual timetables at school and at present setting them up at home for him. Things can be thrown way out of order at home has he has 4 siblings with various s/n , so things can be very challenging. Have u spoke to your sons paed at all???? Are they able to offer you any help/support????

I totally relate to everything said above!!! My child is 10 and her meltdowns are awful....I constantly feel on edge waiting......I deal better with my daughter, but at times I feel suffocated with her constant negative chat and demands....I try to keep the peace, but at times it's overwhelming and I have to ask my husband to intervene which always means trouble!!! Things quickly escalate as she constantly wants me and when I remove myself or her from the situation everything blows up. Her need to be with me constantly and control everything is awful. Her vocalisation of negative thoughts or constant chatting makes me feel as if I'm going mad. I feel trapped! She wants to be with me all the time, but is often horrible to me and simple requests by me turn into world war 3. Even though I have a very loving husband, at times I feel this is only my problem. To shield my 7yr old and hubby I put up with rubbish and try and play down situations. When I'm sick she tries to haul me out my bed and when I lock my bedroom door to get changed she starts kicking it in..........so for others out there you are not alone. For some families it is a hidden illness that only close family sees. At school my child is an angel....a very quiet wee angel.......Her dual personality makes it hard for others to believe what I'm saying...:-]

I realised long ago that things i have to do to make things work in our family are frowned on by others. Until they walk a mile in my shoes who are they to judge.

Paretns of autistic children need very thick skin!

Hi, Im new to this group and came on here in sheer desperation, its my 7yr old grandson who has autism and this topic that is being talked about ( Why do they do it ) is the reason im commenting.  My daughter ALWAYS takes the brunt of he's aggression not his father, she has been told by people, who in my mind have no idea of the battles both physical and mentally she has to go through every day, that she is giving in to him by sometimes letting him get his own way so that she can get where she needs to go.  So im glad that other people see that a reward is the answer to get from A to B for the sake of sanity.

After reading your post I had a couple of thoughts that might help.

The first is that even though you have told your boys you are going somewhere, and it is somewhere that you go every year that does not mean that they want to go this time. I think this is something parents sometimes struggle with. Unless it is an activity autistic children themselves want to do at exaclty that time, they just won't want to do it, even if you plan for it and tell them what is coming. The ideas about changing routines and preparing for a visit/appointmet/trip only goes so far and is really to do with reducing stress/anxiety for the person with autism, so they are not as disturbed by the change in their routine. But for children they just can just plain refuse, either because of anxiety or simply that they don't want to do it because they are currently doing what they want to do (like you mentioned, playing the wii etc.).

Secondly, I was not violent but was VERY stressed as a child and had frequent meltdowns and shutdowns. If my parents were VERY calm and logical they lasted a much shorter time. If they got angry, shouted, were loud or rushed around they escalated quickly. I know from your post that it must be very very difficult for you but my suggestion is that you try to stay very calm, and keep your voice low and movements relaxed and simple. I also agree with Hope that if they do hurt you, showing clearly that you have been hurt, but again in a way that doesn't involve shouting, may help. As a child I had no idea when my parents were unhappy etc. all I saw/heard was a mess, or confusion, which meant nothing to me.

I don't know if this is any help.

I really hope you can sort this out. I know it is a problem many parents of autistic boys especially encounter. Perhaps there may be a support group near you?

Once, when I hit my mum as a  young teenager, my mum cried because I had hurt her. I realised I had done wrong and felt very upset and remorseful. Eventually I apologised, and I remember that this was a big step for me because before then I really did not have much empathy. So empathy does develop, it is just that we tend to develop it later

I  used to hit my mum when I was denied something that I wanted, like a magazine on one of my interests, and I would scream and throw things. I hardly do this at all now, and never hit my mum anymore.

I'd hoped in my earlier posting to quote Attwood, but was interrupted by an unexpected visitor and had to cut the posting short. What Attwood says on p114 is that "I have noted that some children with Asperger's syndrome can develop a conduct disorder in terms of using threats and acts of violence to control their circumstances and experiences".

This is down to having limited options for expression of need. Without social reference points they don't move towards "negotiation, compromise and cooperation" to get what they need.

Some children may feel that other people are deliberately trying to confuse or annoy them, and having less experience of social solutions seek retribution and retaliation.

In short you need to seek interventuion, because this isn't going to be easily solved by hoping they will see they are in the wrong.

bananas said:

For example if a small packet of sweets gets them int he car and lets you get out to be with others and has a bit of a break I'd do it . Where you can use rewards i would whilst they are young

That's a good point. We're often driven more by reward than punishment.

Really feel for you - i have been on the receiving end many a time. I don't believe my son (who's now 18) does it to get his own way , becasue after a meltdown plans often have to change and not always to his advatage. I'd like to think its me becasue I am the one person who will love him forever whatever.

Its hard enough getting the autistic one to co-operate when you have NT other kids, who will sometimes help you work round issues - who sits where in the car , what we have on the radio etc.

Can't really offer much advice, but what works for us is trying to control the situation if you are trying to get out together on time - and trying to avoid gaps . So we might have cooked breakfast then get in the car and go somewhere before people get involved in something else, but i know it can't always be like that.

Also , Id'd say choose your battles - some are not worth fighting. Its not giving in and letting them get their own way its finding ourt what works best and making the most of it -

For example if a small packet of sweets gets them int he car and lets you get out to be with others and has a bit of a break I'd do it . Where you can use rewards i would whilst they are young

I hope you manage to make the most of the break when the kids are with their dad. We need to recharge our batteries ready for the next time

Just looked up Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome (Jessica Kingsley Publ 2006) page 144 para 2 in his section on Comprehension and Expression of Emotions, subsection on anger.

He notes a predisposition in some situations to hurt mothers in order to get their own way.

Hi leanne,

From the sound of it, like some one says, it's frustration, and they simply don't know how else to express that.

For many of us on the spectrum emotions come in two levels 'fully on' or 'fully off' - there's no 'slightly', or 'a bit', or any other of the multitude of gradations neurotypicals apprently have.

Some of us internalise, some of us externalise, and it sounds like you've got two externalisers - neither is good in the long run - internalisers tend to go unnoticed - people don't see just how hard they're finding life - externalisers often end up hurting everyone around them.

Now, having said that, there is one other possibility here - they're doing it because they know it's a way of getting what they want.

And, I'm going to kind of contradict myself here, because I don't know what the answer is.

You see, we, on the spectrum, also often need to do what we want, not what others want of us, so the simplest way to have a peacfull life is for everyone just to let us do what we want to do.

Of course, that's not always practical, and it's not right for anyone to use violence and threats of violence to get our own way.

I wish I could offer you a solution, but if there is one, I just don't know what it would be.

However, you say that they're not violent toward their Dad? Do you know why? Again, as Some one suggests, could you talk to him? Maybe he could get them to stop being violent towards you too.

hi there leanne, if you need to rant by all means go ahead, i understand and i think a few others do as well

to be honest, sometimes i dontknow what to say, why people with autism do or dont do something, most of the time they re frustrated by something but we arent gonna always know what it is, and other times, well, i dont know, i think sometimes they just need to get it out, and take it out on those closest to them, even if they dont mean to, they just need to let it out

im really sorry you have to go through that, do you have no one you can talk to or any help avaliable?

can you not talk to their dad about him working with you to solve this?

i really understand from your perspective, being the partner of an autistic man, its strefull and well sometimes makes you feel like you are at the end of your road withit all

from what i have seen on docus about autism and the parents of violent autistic kids, they literally have to hold them down, its all you can do, or allow them to go and do what they need to, let it out in their room, play games, whtever, it doesnt help anyone to make them do something they dont want

even if it means YOUR day and plans are messed up

i can say this for sure, they DONT hate you, they just dont know how to express whatever it is and are trying to tell YOU or want it to be you who makes them feel better

and you are doing your best, it is a stresfful difficult and very demanding 'job' having autistic kids/partners, and takes a lot out of you

you have done everything you know to do