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Why do they do it?

leanne35

Hi All,

I have two boys aged 7 and 9 who are both on the autistic spectrum.  The eldest has a dual diagnosis of adhd too.  I'm not sure if I'm having a rant here or looking for answers but here goes!

I just don't get why they are so violent towards me.  I live on my own with them, although their dad is local and sees them often and has input with them.  They have a statement of special needs at school and cope ok there.  But my god, they hate me.  Over the years they have become so violent towards me, both verbally and physically.  The slightest hint they are not to get their own way and I'm threatened with physical violence. 

Today we were supposed to go to an event which we attend every year.  They knew we were going and they also knew what would be in store for them activity wise - so no surprises.  I gave them the countdown before we were due to leave so they knew when we were going.  I asked my eldest to go clean his teeth, steadfastly refused and left the house with his bike to find his friend.  Meanwhile the youngest is faffing on the Wii.  I had to go out and look for the eldest who argued back with me with a few choice names.  Managed to get him indoors and made him stay while I locked up, all the time being called names.  Then had to try to get the youngest off the wii, which to cut a long story short ended up with me being punched in the face and kicked in the stomach.  Needless to say, we didn't go and I have banned them from going outside as punishment.  Just a few moments ago I had to turn away on of their friends which earned me a kidney punch.

I have no idea how to stop this.  Sometimes I don't even see it coming.  I have lost friends through their behaviour as people can't tolerate being around them (and some judge too) and we are seldom invited to any family events.  They don't hit out at anyone else and certainly not their Dad.  Why are they doing this to me?  Its not as if I even smack them when they do this, would be counterproductive anyway.  Has anyone else had this issue?  I feel like I'm the only person going through this right now and think its my fault, I must have messed up somewhere along the line.

Parents

  • After reading your post I had a couple of thoughts that might help.

    The first is that even though you have told your boys you are going somewhere, and it is somewhere that you go every year that does not mean that they want to go this time. I think this is something parents sometimes struggle with. Unless it is an activity autistic children themselves want to do at exaclty that time, they just won't want to do it, even if you plan for it and tell them what is coming. The ideas about changing routines and preparing for a visit/appointmet/trip only goes so far and is really to do with reducing stress/anxiety for the person with autism, so they are not as disturbed by the change in their routine. But for children they just can just plain refuse, either because of anxiety or simply that they don't want to do it because they are currently doing what they want to do (like you mentioned, playing the wii etc.).

    Secondly, I was not violent but was VERY stressed as a child and had frequent meltdowns and shutdowns. If my parents were VERY calm and logical they lasted a much shorter time. If they got angry, shouted, were loud or rushed around they escalated quickly. I know from your post that it must be very very difficult for you but my suggestion is that you try to stay very calm, and keep your voice low and movements relaxed and simple. I also agree with Hope that if they do hurt you, showing clearly that you have been hurt, but again in a way that doesn't involve shouting, may help. As a child I had no idea when my parents were unhappy etc. all I saw/heard was a mess, or confusion, which meant nothing to me.

    I don't know if this is any help.

    I really hope you can sort this out. I know it is a problem many parents of autistic boys especially encounter. Perhaps there may be a support group near you?

     

Reply

  • After reading your post I had a couple of thoughts that might help.

    The first is that even though you have told your boys you are going somewhere, and it is somewhere that you go every year that does not mean that they want to go this time. I think this is something parents sometimes struggle with. Unless it is an activity autistic children themselves want to do at exaclty that time, they just won't want to do it, even if you plan for it and tell them what is coming. The ideas about changing routines and preparing for a visit/appointmet/trip only goes so far and is really to do with reducing stress/anxiety for the person with autism, so they are not as disturbed by the change in their routine. But for children they just can just plain refuse, either because of anxiety or simply that they don't want to do it because they are currently doing what they want to do (like you mentioned, playing the wii etc.).

    Secondly, I was not violent but was VERY stressed as a child and had frequent meltdowns and shutdowns. If my parents were VERY calm and logical they lasted a much shorter time. If they got angry, shouted, were loud or rushed around they escalated quickly. I know from your post that it must be very very difficult for you but my suggestion is that you try to stay very calm, and keep your voice low and movements relaxed and simple. I also agree with Hope that if they do hurt you, showing clearly that you have been hurt, but again in a way that doesn't involve shouting, may help. As a child I had no idea when my parents were unhappy etc. all I saw/heard was a mess, or confusion, which meant nothing to me.

    I don't know if this is any help.

    I really hope you can sort this out. I know it is a problem many parents of autistic boys especially encounter. Perhaps there may be a support group near you?

     

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