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Why do they do it?

leanne35

Hi All,

I have two boys aged 7 and 9 who are both on the autistic spectrum.  The eldest has a dual diagnosis of adhd too.  I'm not sure if I'm having a rant here or looking for answers but here goes!

I just don't get why they are so violent towards me.  I live on my own with them, although their dad is local and sees them often and has input with them.  They have a statement of special needs at school and cope ok there.  But my god, they hate me.  Over the years they have become so violent towards me, both verbally and physically.  The slightest hint they are not to get their own way and I'm threatened with physical violence. 

Today we were supposed to go to an event which we attend every year.  They knew we were going and they also knew what would be in store for them activity wise - so no surprises.  I gave them the countdown before we were due to leave so they knew when we were going.  I asked my eldest to go clean his teeth, steadfastly refused and left the house with his bike to find his friend.  Meanwhile the youngest is faffing on the Wii.  I had to go out and look for the eldest who argued back with me with a few choice names.  Managed to get him indoors and made him stay while I locked up, all the time being called names.  Then had to try to get the youngest off the wii, which to cut a long story short ended up with me being punched in the face and kicked in the stomach.  Needless to say, we didn't go and I have banned them from going outside as punishment.  Just a few moments ago I had to turn away on of their friends which earned me a kidney punch.

I have no idea how to stop this.  Sometimes I don't even see it coming.  I have lost friends through their behaviour as people can't tolerate being around them (and some judge too) and we are seldom invited to any family events.  They don't hit out at anyone else and certainly not their Dad.  Why are they doing this to me?  Its not as if I even smack them when they do this, would be counterproductive anyway.  Has anyone else had this issue?  I feel like I'm the only person going through this right now and think its my fault, I must have messed up somewhere along the line.

Parents

  • Hi leanne,

    From the sound of it, like some one says, it's frustration, and they simply don't know how else to express that.

    For many of us on the spectrum emotions come in two levels 'fully on' or 'fully off' - there's no 'slightly', or 'a bit', or any other of the multitude of gradations neurotypicals apprently have.

    Some of us internalise, some of us externalise, and it sounds like you've got two externalisers - neither is good in the long run - internalisers tend to go unnoticed - people don't see just how hard they're finding life - externalisers often end up hurting everyone around them.

    Now, having said that, there is one other possibility here - they're doing it because they know it's a way of getting what they want.

    And, I'm going to kind of contradict myself here, because I don't know what the answer is.

    You see, we, on the spectrum, also often need to do what we want, not what others want of us, so the simplest way to have a peacfull life is for everyone just to let us do what we want to do.

    Of course, that's not always practical, and it's not right for anyone to use violence and threats of violence to get our own way.

    I wish I could offer you a solution, but if there is one, I just don't know what it would be.

    However, you say that they're not violent toward their Dad? Do you know why? Again, as Some one suggests, could you talk to him? Maybe he could get them to stop being violent towards you too.

Reply

  • Hi leanne,

    From the sound of it, like some one says, it's frustration, and they simply don't know how else to express that.

    For many of us on the spectrum emotions come in two levels 'fully on' or 'fully off' - there's no 'slightly', or 'a bit', or any other of the multitude of gradations neurotypicals apprently have.

    Some of us internalise, some of us externalise, and it sounds like you've got two externalisers - neither is good in the long run - internalisers tend to go unnoticed - people don't see just how hard they're finding life - externalisers often end up hurting everyone around them.

    Now, having said that, there is one other possibility here - they're doing it because they know it's a way of getting what they want.

    And, I'm going to kind of contradict myself here, because I don't know what the answer is.

    You see, we, on the spectrum, also often need to do what we want, not what others want of us, so the simplest way to have a peacfull life is for everyone just to let us do what we want to do.

    Of course, that's not always practical, and it's not right for anyone to use violence and threats of violence to get our own way.

    I wish I could offer you a solution, but if there is one, I just don't know what it would be.

    However, you say that they're not violent toward their Dad? Do you know why? Again, as Some one suggests, could you talk to him? Maybe he could get them to stop being violent towards you too.

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