Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all
I wonder if anyone has any advice on my situation. I have lived with my husband for 15 years and we have had a very difficult relationship. I am on the autistic spectrum (although not diagnosed) and he frequently refers to this and complains about my autistic behaviour making his life difficult. We are about to embark on our third attempt at couple counselling. On our first visit I explained that I was on the spectrum and that my husband found this difficult and the counsellor said , 'Yes there is definitely autism in the room,' Later on the penny finally dropped- my husband has undiagnosed autism and for inexplicable reasons ( as I frequently work with autistic clients) I have failed to realise it. He has every single symptom of high functioning autism ( although actually he really doesn't function because of his disorganisation and distractibility) My husband cannot accept responsibility for his conduct and is hypersensitive to criticism. He will find it impossible to accept the suggestion that his conduct plays any role in our marital problems. I am fearful of the counsellor suggesting this to him as I know he will take it extremely badly and he is already depressed.
Any advice would be most welcome
What are your husband's goals?
If he has no independence and is treated like a child if he makes a mistake, what is he supposed to do to feel valuable?
I totally understand the Aspie need to have everything controllable and predictable, so how do you deal with your children's unpredictability?
You are right about me treating him like a child and I agree I need help to stop that. If we hadn't had a child I would have left long ago but really I suspect the problem is that we didn't have effective counselling sooner.
My children have been a huge challenge and I am not a natural parent but I have never been their main carer. Of course they are hugely rewarding and I am relieved to find that they all seem pretty stable.
As you're so driven in your business and in control of everything, do you think you are able to accept people around you as equals or do you need them to be under control too? Kids are controllable to some extent but adults have their own, valid ideas of what is right or wrong.
Bringing up kids is a 20+ year big diversion from looking at the way you do things - so I have to ask - can you be bothered with having people close to you or do they invade into your rigid world too much? Are you able to allow a certain amount of behavioural variability and unpredictablity that close to yourself?
I've been married 28 years - I'm very Aspergers, my wife is very NT. We both have strengths and weaknesses - I do all the technical, low emotion stuff working towards our long-term plans - she does the immediate stuff and the emotional interaction stuff - like dealing with people (I'm hopeless with telephone conversations and very poor at dealing with people who could be manipulating me).
We've managed to bring up a perfectly well balanced child.
Our end game is to be able to retire & downsize where neither of us has to work - ASAP- so we can both do the things that interest us in a lower stress environment.
But why did you seek a professional diagnosis instead of just saying ' Yes that sounds like me I have all the symptoms' . What is the purpose of obtaining a diagnosis?
It was suggested to me by a friend's wife - I was having difficulties with communicating with our daughter and my company health insurance said it would cover the assessment - so I went along with an open mind. Hey presto!
Out of interest Plastic and Sunflower why did you seek a diagnosis?
Oh I am big time critical parent! And the dog training thing really made me laugh. One thing my son has noticed is his Dad's ability to get lost. Wandering off in the supermarket like a toddler and never where you expect him to be! Also he gets really upset in the kitchen and can't cope with other people working around him. My adult twins and I can all be in the tiny kitchen doing different things together but he gets quite hostile and accuses us of deliberately opening cupboards in his face e.t.c. (He is a little paranoid )
Are your children still at home?
Logic rules when it comes to my aspie sense of justice! My children both know about my diagnosis - I told them after my first meeting with the psychologist when I realised I was likely to be diagnosed. It has helped heal some wounds caused by my erratic parenting when they were young.
Haven't talked to my children about my husband possibly being autistic (he's not their dad). I am ever more aware that his behaviours are typically AS - we were at dog agility class the other night and the trainer was openly bemused by him wandering off when she was in the middle of explaining something to him. I just shrugged my shoulders and smiled. Later on he started doing an activity with the dog while we were supposed to be standing listening to her instructions.
I am much nicer to my husband when I remember we are two completely separate people and I am not responsible for his actions. Staying in adult:adult mode is hard sometimes but it works much better than slipping into nurturing or critical parent!
Yep been there. The horology club I used to go to exhibits there every year.
2 things are guaranteed at this model show - wall-to-wall tool porn and wall-to-wall weird blokes with no idea of personal hygene & personal space.
Plastic said:A bit like the Model Engineering Show at Alexandra Palace.
Mmmm.... Lathes and milling machines, if only I had the space!
Plastic said:I think she's actually a robot. There's nothing human about her.
www.thedailymash.co.uk/.../may-goes-in-for-upgrade-20170831134900
No - we just laugh at the brain surgeons.
I bet rocket scientists get sick of all the jokes...
It is so interesting -all these things that unite us.
We have tons of Lego - I got offered a job in Legoland, we do ComicCon twice a year, I build large models and we go to Disney Florida every year. I'm a nuclear physicist and used to be a rocket scientist. Spot the Aspie.....
Or Legoland-where they have special training because of the hordes of Aspies descending on the model village!
Yes re Theresa but I do think that her woodeness and inflexibility is due to AS. So really we are being plunged into chaos because of her concrete thinking.(Sorry probably not supposed to get political)
NAS50581 said:I accidentally kissed a male friend on the lips and that led to an excruciatingly embarassing pass at me.
Awkward.....I've managed to avoid that so far.
NAS50581 said:Star Wars- I hadn't even realised that was an Aspie thing.
Take a trip to any ComicCon - it's like a NAS convention. A bit like the Model Engineering Show at Alexandra Palace.
I think she's actually a robot. There's nothing human about her.
And BTW has anyone noticed that Theresa May is one of us!
I know WTF did we become French?! I do exactly the same thing by way of desperately avoiding the hugs and kisses but if I do get hugged I get it completely wrong and men think I am coming onto them. I accidentally kissed a male friend on the lips and that led to an excruciatingly embarassing pass at me. Strangely my husband is really good at the social kissing thing which is probably the main reason I didn't spot his Aspie nature.
Star Wars- I hadn't even realised that was an Aspie thing. My son became totally obsessed from about 7 years old and was so devastated when Disney took over that he went into a decline. 'George Lucas has betrayed us...' Before that it was Dr. Who. Of course they are aspie- The sequences, the complexity. Why did I not spot these things!?
Oh naaasty. I am O.k with handshakes in a professional situation and that is good as I regularly shake hands with the most unsavoury people. But in a social situation it is much more tricky.
I hate all the social hugging & random kissing - other people seem good at it and instinctively know what to do - I don't like being hugged by people I hardly know. And the kissing - yes, no, one cheek or both?
And now they seem to be trying to import the concept of man-hugging. Errrr, no. Too complicated.
In social settings, I sit on the far side of the table so people turning up are all hugged-out before they get to me - a smile and wave from a distance is acceptable then.
When I get overloaded in social events, I've perfected the 'paying attention' mode so women seem to think of me as a good listener of all their problems. NT men of my age seem to be a sad bunch of desperate males vying for their attention, so my 'nice' non-threatening mask seems a very attractive alternative for the single women.
In reality, I've shut down because of the noise and over-stimulus - the lights are on but I'm replaying Star Wars in my head while redesigning the kitchen while thinking about going on holiday.
My wife says it's hilarious watching them flirt with me - I just don't spot it so I seem to be a nice-guy challenge for them.