Undiagnosed autism

What are your husband's goals?

If he has no independence and is treated like a child if he makes a mistake, what is he supposed to do to feel valuable?

I totally understand the Aspie need to have everything controllable and predictable, so how do you deal with your children's unpredictability?

You are right about me treating him like a child and I agree I need help to stop that. If we hadn't had a child I would have left long ago but really I suspect the problem is that we didn't have effective counselling sooner.

My children have been a huge challenge and I am not a natural parent but I have never been their main carer. Of course they are hugely rewarding and I am relieved to find that they all seem pretty stable.

As you're so driven in your business and in control of everything, do you think you are able to accept people around you as equals or do you need them to be under control too? Kids are controllable to some extent but adults have their own, valid ideas of what is right or wrong.

Bringing up kids is a 20+ year big diversion from looking at the way you do things - so I have to ask - can you be bothered with having people close to you or do they invade into your rigid world too much? Are you able to allow a certain amount of behavioural variability and unpredictablity that close to yourself?

I've been married 28 years - I'm very Aspergers, my wife is very NT. We both have strengths and weaknesses - I do all the technical, low emotion stuff working towards our long-term plans - she does the immediate stuff and the emotional interaction stuff - like dealing with people (I'm hopeless with telephone conversations and very poor at dealing with people who could be manipulating me).

We've managed to bring up a perfectly well balanced child.

Our end game is to be able to retire & downsize where neither of us has to work - ASAP- so we can both do the things that interest us in a lower stress environment.

As you're so driven in your business and in control of everything, do you think you are able to accept people around you as equals or do you need them to be under control too? Kids are controllable to some extent but adults have their own, valid ideas of what is right or wrong.

Bringing up kids is a 20+ year big diversion from looking at the way you do things - so I have to ask - can you be bothered with having people close to you or do they invade into your rigid world too much? Are you able to allow a certain amount of behavioural variability and unpredictablity that close to yourself?

I've been married 28 years - I'm very Aspergers, my wife is very NT. We both have strengths and weaknesses - I do all the technical, low emotion stuff working towards our long-term plans - she does the immediate stuff and the emotional interaction stuff - like dealing with people (I'm hopeless with telephone conversations and very poor at dealing with people who could be manipulating me).

We've managed to bring up a perfectly well balanced child.

Our end game is to be able to retire & downsize where neither of us has to work - ASAP- so we can both do the things that interest us in a lower stress environment.

Ahh yes, that is true. I want this to work, or I will never leave to live with him. total relocation!

Start with your handbook first - to give a clue of how to do it - a blueprint if you like - and what he might include if he did one of his own for you.

The picture made me laugh.  So true.   How would it work if I asked him to to the same I wonder.   That would help  me too. find a compromise.  

He will be very grateful to have the inside track on making you happy. Just let him know it's to help him to remove stress from the relationship.

Yes, that would be a great idea.  I will try that when the focus is on me and he is concerned that he isnt paying me enough attention.  I should stop brushing it off.  I do because he looks pained.  Next time, I will have to just have to say and factor a little book in.  Thanks.  

Chats run the risk of turning into arguements and you can also miss out or forget important parts - or fail to get the real meaning across without hurting his feelings.

A well thought out written 'handbook' for maintaining you will make things so much simpler for him.

We dont email, he has no idea how I am feeling, so I wouldnt want to shock him lol  But yes, that would be a good idea for when we hit a rough patch, as relationships always have to.. He knows me as a person, my habits and calls me sensitive, but doesn't get to the point where he gets my needs.  So that will help.  I am rubbish at stating them though, so It's when I have and it's ignored that is foreign to me. 

Yeah, we have chats about what we like about eachother.. he follows my suit and adds some endearing ones, but just doesnt say it any other time.  Have to prompt and yes, it would be mcd or an ice cream. LOL   It is all very helpful, thank you.    His son is mid diagnosis at the moment,  so I have been tempted to say, do you not see traits in yourself.. he really doesnt own up to it, or oblivious.  But oblivious and indifferent is how it comes across.  

Yes, you are, less ruminating for sure! 

Why not write him an e-mail outlining all the things you would like so he's got a solid copy that he can refer to and work from - give him a clue - if he doesn't pick up on the cues and feelings then he cannot change.

Include all the things like flowers occasionally, trips out for meals - give him a short list of places you like so he doesn't surprise you with McD. Let him know what you like about him - keep it all very positive so he thinks he'll be icing the cake rather than a list of gripes.

You might need to be very specific about your likes so he can feel he's on solid ground with you. The more vague you are, the more unsure he will be so he'll worry and won't know what to do to make things better. Confusion will cause problems.

Men are MUCH simpler than women think.

I agree, I am so easy going, that I feel I have facilitating things, but as there a log of things going on behind the scenes, it seems, when he has a crisis, I am there to listen (being very empathetic) but it's not returned, its rationalised. LOL   I have prompted him a bit this week and he did not compute, but apologised if things made me feel a certain way.   I understand that he just doesnt get some things.

He does worry that the fact that he cannot juggle things means I get the raw end of the deal and that he tucks me away to cope with the distance.  I asked him not to.  I dont think that is easily changed though.  He hates routine changes that I make as well, throws him off. 

If I am fretting about our relationship, he thinks that a "dont worry" will solve it.  And he works on timelines too.. just a few things he let slip about our relationship.  We can talk about things when he feels insecure I think, then he asks questions and we have a good chat, then it's parked.  

He is amazing, I love his quirks.. I just sometimes need more and its purely because it's not coming natural to him or on his radar. 

Could be - it may be that your responses give him the impression he's doing all the right things - so why would he change? You might need to prompt him with what he could do to make you happier - he may never think of it himself.

Add in a long distance relationship and a life long condition too.  everything seems to be scheduled and I have to work around him. I have raised it by being direct, it is very much, two steps forward and one back.    I think I need to get some counselling or advice, and this is how I have arrived here with you lot, hoping to gain some understanding.  I am a total empath, so I am up the other end of the scale.  He does show extremes of emotion, and they are so endearing.  We have never argued, I sort of understand him.  My son and brother definitely have traits too.  I sort of feel that our initial courting phase was scripted now as he seems to have lost the ability to woo. I get the same texts morning and night, still scripted.   He is really affectionate and loving when we are together though. Is it enough, who knows, but he has no idea, or if he does then he isn't telling me.   I miss going out, he doesn't like social situations and he has a very small circle of friends.  So intelligent too.   

Does he sound on the spectrum peeps?  I would be grateful for any ideas on how to get him to open up a bit...  or you can tell me to just to accept?  Thanks.

Do you think a diagnosis will wake him up enough to realise what he's doing? Will he curl up into a ball and go downhill or will there be a realisation of his impact upon everyone around him?

I was doing military, space hardware, nuclear and radio-pharmaceuticals - so many lovely specifications & standards to adhere to.

Where would we be if there were no rules? France.

Where would we be if there were too many rules? Gremany.

Yes and of course it is great as a lawyer- all the rule based stuff and it being a virtue to inflexibly cling to being RIGHT!

How do you manage phonecalls and being alone with your children / grandchildren? 

Oh I can totally relate to this and I would sound a note of caution. I made allowances too and for years I thought we were soul mates and I could tolerate the difficult behaviour. 15 years in fact - always thinking he would change but not realising that he absolutely couldn't. In the end it is my husband who has become so furious with my constant criticism that he has said our marriage is over ( although we are hoping it can be saved with counselling) He takes no responsibility for his conduct and never has .It is exhausting and the loved up feeling only lasts so long so if I were starting out I would suggest counselling at a much earlier stage .Sorry to be gloomy. It is difficult ( but not impossible) to be happy when you know that your feelings are not important to your life partner.

My children both live with partners now - they are 31 and 29. I love seeing them but it is all too rare these days as we have such busy lives.

My son is here for the weekend getting respite from his 3 year old daughter who is at stage of asking multiple why questions!

Both my children are probably autistic - my son wants to get assessed but my daughter doesn't. She has an autism friendly lifestyle and no significant problems. My son, like me, is an overthinker, tremendously work focused, and often exhausted. 

By getting a diagnosis much earlier than I did I hope my son will have an easier path through life. I've had an incredibly interesting time, but it has sometimes been a struggle to survive. 

I had to clear my husband out of our tiny kitchen yesterday - he was lurking while I tried to ice a cake. Just at the most inconvenient time he decided to come in and make a coffee. 

I'm very aware that I am exacting to live with. I sometimes think it would be better for my husband if I worked away during the week and just came home at weekends. 

NAS50581 said:

of course, the Aspie part of me needs to be right about this so I would find it difficult not to pursue it.

Aaah - the old 'must convert unknowns into facts' behaviour so typical of us all. Unknown = stress.

NAS50581 said:

Personally I find the Aspie thing is an asset

Me too - it has given me abilities so far ahead of NTs. My eidetic memory was a real boon in the jobs I've done.

I really don't think I would be satisfied being normal.

Sounds like my partner of 18 months. All fingers point to high functioning autism and I keep making allowances for his distant behaviour.  I do point it out to him and he denies it and in his only way tried to be romantic, but it is more factual than with feeling.  He loves his alone time, but skips my needs a bit.  I think he would he in denial if he got a diagnosis.  He has echolalia, takes him 15 minutes to make a sandwich, is rubbish at birthdays, the list goes on, but I love him to bits, he is my best friend.   How on earth do you get your needs met emotional when there is no reciprocity.?

Yes and I can see that my husband would find a diagnosis devastating but , of course, the Aspie part of me needs to be right about this so I would find it difficult not to pursue it. The trouble is that without a diagnosis he will continue without insight into the chaos he creates and I will have to learn to tolerate the chaos without criticism and that is an exhausting prospect. But that is really why we have gone for counselling .I am good at putting my trust in people so I will put my trust in the counsellor ( at least until I decide he is incompetent - which is reasonably likely to happen!)

Personally I find the Aspie thing is an asset and I wouldn't want to change it but it has caused me a lot of pain in the past.