Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all
I wonder if anyone has any advice on my situation. I have lived with my husband for 15 years and we have had a very difficult relationship. I am on the autistic spectrum (although not diagnosed) and he frequently refers to this and complains about my autistic behaviour making his life difficult. We are about to embark on our third attempt at couple counselling. On our first visit I explained that I was on the spectrum and that my husband found this difficult and the counsellor said , 'Yes there is definitely autism in the room,' Later on the penny finally dropped- my husband has undiagnosed autism and for inexplicable reasons ( as I frequently work with autistic clients) I have failed to realise it. He has every single symptom of high functioning autism ( although actually he really doesn't function because of his disorganisation and distractibility) My husband cannot accept responsibility for his conduct and is hypersensitive to criticism. He will find it impossible to accept the suggestion that his conduct plays any role in our marital problems. I am fearful of the counsellor suggesting this to him as I know he will take it extremely badly and he is already depressed.
Any advice would be most welcome
What are your husband's goals?
If he has no independence and is treated like a child if he makes a mistake, what is he supposed to do to feel valuable?
I totally understand the Aspie need to have everything controllable and predictable, so how do you deal with your children's unpredictability?
You are right about me treating him like a child and I agree I need help to stop that. If we hadn't had a child I would have left long ago but really I suspect the problem is that we didn't have effective counselling sooner.
My children have been a huge challenge and I am not a natural parent but I have never been their main carer. Of course they are hugely rewarding and I am relieved to find that they all seem pretty stable.
As you're so driven in your business and in control of everything, do you think you are able to accept people around you as equals or do you need them to be under control too? Kids are controllable to some extent but adults have their own, valid ideas of what is right or wrong.
Bringing up kids is a 20+ year big diversion from looking at the way you do things - so I have to ask - can you be bothered with having people close to you or do they invade into your rigid world too much? Are you able to allow a certain amount of behavioural variability and unpredictablity that close to yourself?
I've been married 28 years - I'm very Aspergers, my wife is very NT. We both have strengths and weaknesses - I do all the technical, low emotion stuff working towards our long-term plans - she does the immediate stuff and the emotional interaction stuff - like dealing with people (I'm hopeless with telephone conversations and very poor at dealing with people who could be manipulating me).
We've managed to bring up a perfectly well balanced child.
Our end game is to be able to retire & downsize where neither of us has to work - ASAP- so we can both do the things that interest us in a lower stress environment.
Why not write him an e-mail outlining all the things you would like so he's got a solid copy that he can refer to and work from - give him a clue - if he doesn't pick up on the cues and feelings then he cannot change.
Include all the things like flowers occasionally, trips out for meals - give him a short list of places you like so he doesn't surprise you with McD. Let him know what you like about him - keep it all very positive so he thinks he'll be icing the cake rather than a list of gripes.
You might need to be very specific about your likes so he can feel he's on solid ground with you. The more vague you are, the more unsure he will be so he'll worry and won't know what to do to make things better. Confusion will cause problems.
Men are MUCH simpler than women think.
I agree, I am so easy going, that I feel I have facilitating things, but as there a log of things going on behind the scenes, it seems, when he has a crisis, I am there to listen (being very empathetic) but it's not returned, its rationalised. LOL I have prompted him a bit this week and he did not compute, but apologised if things made me feel a certain way. I understand that he just doesnt get some things.He does worry that the fact that he cannot juggle things means I get the raw end of the deal and that he tucks me away to cope with the distance. I asked him not to. I dont think that is easily changed though. He hates routine changes that I make as well, throws him off. If I am fretting about our relationship, he thinks that a "dont worry" will solve it. And he works on timelines too.. just a few things he let slip about our relationship. We can talk about things when he feels insecure I think, then he asks questions and we have a good chat, then it's parked. He is amazing, I love his quirks.. I just sometimes need more and its purely because it's not coming natural to him or on his radar.
Could be - it may be that your responses give him the impression he's doing all the right things - so why would he change? You might need to prompt him with what he could do to make you happier - he may never think of it himself.
Add in a long distance relationship and a life long condition too. everything seems to be scheduled and I have to work around him. I have raised it by being direct, it is very much, two steps forward and one back. I think I need to get some counselling or advice, and this is how I have arrived here with you lot, hoping to gain some understanding. I am a total empath, so I am up the other end of the scale. He does show extremes of emotion, and they are so endearing. We have never argued, I sort of understand him. My son and brother definitely have traits too. I sort of feel that our initial courting phase was scripted now as he seems to have lost the ability to woo. I get the same texts morning and night, still scripted. He is really affectionate and loving when we are together though. Is it enough, who knows, but he has no idea, or if he does then he isn't telling me. I miss going out, he doesn't like social situations and he has a very small circle of friends. So intelligent too. Does he sound on the spectrum peeps? I would be grateful for any ideas on how to get him to open up a bit... or you can tell me to just to accept? Thanks.
Do you think a diagnosis will wake him up enough to realise what he's doing? Will he curl up into a ball and go downhill or will there be a realisation of his impact upon everyone around him?
I was doing military, space hardware, nuclear and radio-pharmaceuticals - so many lovely specifications & standards to adhere to.
Where would we be if there were no rules? France.
Where would we be if there were too many rules? Gremany.
Yes and of course it is great as a lawyer- all the rule based stuff and it being a virtue to inflexibly cling to being RIGHT!
How do you manage phonecalls and being alone with your children / grandchildren?
Oh I can totally relate to this and I would sound a note of caution. I made allowances too and for years I thought we were soul mates and I could tolerate the difficult behaviour. 15 years in fact - always thinking he would change but not realising that he absolutely couldn't. In the end it is my husband who has become so furious with my constant criticism that he has said our marriage is over ( although we are hoping it can be saved with counselling) He takes no responsibility for his conduct and never has .It is exhausting and the loved up feeling only lasts so long so if I were starting out I would suggest counselling at a much earlier stage .Sorry to be gloomy. It is difficult ( but not impossible) to be happy when you know that your feelings are not important to your life partner.
My children both live with partners now - they are 31 and 29. I love seeing them but it is all too rare these days as we have such busy lives.
My son is here for the weekend getting respite from his 3 year old daughter who is at stage of asking multiple why questions!
Both my children are probably autistic - my son wants to get assessed but my daughter doesn't. She has an autism friendly lifestyle and no significant problems. My son, like me, is an overthinker, tremendously work focused, and often exhausted.
By getting a diagnosis much earlier than I did I hope my son will have an easier path through life. I've had an incredibly interesting time, but it has sometimes been a struggle to survive.
I had to clear my husband out of our tiny kitchen yesterday - he was lurking while I tried to ice a cake. Just at the most inconvenient time he decided to come in and make a coffee.
I'm very aware that I am exacting to live with. I sometimes think it would be better for my husband if I worked away during the week and just came home at weekends.
NAS50581 said:of course, the Aspie part of me needs to be right about this so I would find it difficult not to pursue it.
Aaah - the old 'must convert unknowns into facts' behaviour so typical of us all. Unknown = stress.
NAS50581 said:Personally I find the Aspie thing is an asset
Me too - it has given me abilities so far ahead of NTs. My eidetic memory was a real boon in the jobs I've done.
I really don't think I would be satisfied being normal.
Sounds like my partner of 18 months. All fingers point to high functioning autism and I keep making allowances for his distant behaviour. I do point it out to him and he denies it and in his only way tried to be romantic, but it is more factual than with feeling. He loves his alone time, but skips my needs a bit. I think he would he in denial if he got a diagnosis. He has echolalia, takes him 15 minutes to make a sandwich, is rubbish at birthdays, the list goes on, but I love him to bits, he is my best friend. How on earth do you get your needs met emotional when there is no reciprocity.?
Yes and I can see that my husband would find a diagnosis devastating but , of course, the Aspie part of me needs to be right about this so I would find it difficult not to pursue it. The trouble is that without a diagnosis he will continue without insight into the chaos he creates and I will have to learn to tolerate the chaos without criticism and that is an exhausting prospect. But that is really why we have gone for counselling .I am good at putting my trust in people so I will put my trust in the counsellor ( at least until I decide he is incompetent - which is reasonably likely to happen!)
Personally I find the Aspie thing is an asset and I wouldn't want to change it but it has caused me a lot of pain in the past.
Unfortunately, diagnosis often leads to depression when you realise just how oblivious you were to the full impact of your autism - just how much it has affected your life and behaviours and decisions you made all through growing up and in your adult life.
You then start comparing your screwed-up life to that 'perfect' life you thought you were living and you see how far away from 'normality' you are.
The big step is accepting you are you and then deciding to live your life to your own rules and to decide your own end-game - which may be very different to everyone else's expectations.
Congratulations on the Mind robots - very cool.
I do Lego Truck Trialling (google it) and I was a Brickish member. My wife is into Lego trainsets.
Thanks Plastic that is really helpful and I can see why a formal diagnosis would help in a work situation .As you say that doesn't apply to me and I have been open with my staff about my AS. As we have many AS clients they may have spotted it before I did! The social justice thing is something I recognise as is the ' perfected person' I have started bullet journalling ( which is ,it now strikes me, a very Aspie organisation scheme) and I have a chapter entitled 'My Perfect Life' The problem is that I constantly measure myself against this and get stressed when I fail.
Strangely although I came onto this site to ask advice about my husband it has made me realise how much of an impact my AS is having on my life.
On the subject of Lego have you heard of First Lego League? It's a competition involving MIND robots. My children won the world championship in 2014 in St .Louis . It was really exciting.
It's good that your wife can adopt some good Aspie traits if she is NT.
Like I mentioned, I was having all sorts of difficulties - my mask had been perfected over 20+ years and all of a sudden it didn't fit. The scientist in me was unable to fix the mask so I could see there was a problem.
The diagnosis path was fast & free (insurance paid) so I went along (I am compelled to do things I have agreed to - I have a grossly overblown sense of social justice and so I MUST 'do the right thing').
It didn't take very long and the phrase 'clearly has Aspergers' crops up in the report many times.
The diagnosis doesn't give you anything except the confirmation that you are different. You rarely get any support afterwards.
If you are high functiong, you can then marry up your difficulties with the typical stories and information so you can see WHY you do the things you do and take steps to hide it better. Unfortunately, you're then double-masking - you're running your normal mask and then an additional mask to cover the deficiencies in the first mask.
This is incredibly tiring.
You're working so hard to be a 'perfected' person that you can soon burn out.
In a work environment, you can use the diagnosis to ask your employer for some adjustments to be made to your environment - but it's often a token effort that gets quickly forgotten and the people-pleaser part of us doesn't want to make too many waves - so things don't improve. We just get more stress because we're left in a state of 'but they promised they wouldn't do that so what should I do'.
As you work for yourself, you can pretty much arrange things how you need it - but you can't do too much because you have to interface with NTs all day - you can't scare them too much by sitting there in a dim room with sunglasses and ear-defenders on - you're forced to comply with NT expectations.
The biggest thing I've accepted is my inner child. It's an escape from the daily stress - I play with Lego, we enjoy Disney, we do the things that please us. It's very noticeable that people our age are soooooo old inside. Empty husks. My child inside has kept my wife young inside too. Getting old is compulsory, growing up isn't. She had Lego & Playmobil for Christmas.
This is also why we spent a lot of time thinking about WHY are we doing the traditional school/work/retire/die path and what are we actually trying to achieve.
The destination is reaching a point were we can do the things we want to do without being forced to do anything - 'freedom' if you like - so that is our driver. We're at the stage where if all goes to plan, it's about 2 years away.
Just wondering if there is any benefit in it as I have never considered doing it myself.
But why did you seek a professional diagnosis instead of just saying ' Yes that sounds like me I have all the symptoms' . What is the purpose of obtaining a diagnosis?
It was suggested to me by a friend's wife - I was having difficulties with communicating with our daughter and my company health insurance said it would cover the assessment - so I went along with an open mind. Hey presto!
Out of interest Plastic and Sunflower why did you seek a diagnosis?
Yes, press the reset button whilst I am there. He has a funny sense of humour. I wonder if I could get one made online? lol
NAS50673 said: Next time, I will have to just have to say and factor a little book in
Haynes manual - based on complete strip-down and rebuild :-D.
Ahh yes, that is true. I want this to work, or I will never leave to live with him. total relocation!
Start with your handbook first - to give a clue of how to do it - a blueprint if you like - and what he might include if he did one of his own for you.
The picture made me laugh. So true. How would it work if I asked him to to the same I wonder. That would help me too. find a compromise.
He will be very grateful to have the inside track on making you happy. Just let him know it's to help him to remove stress from the relationship.
Yes, that would be a great idea. I will try that when the focus is on me and he is concerned that he isnt paying me enough attention. I should stop brushing it off. I do because he looks pained. Next time, I will have to just have to say and factor a little book in. Thanks.
Chats run the risk of turning into arguements and you can also miss out or forget important parts - or fail to get the real meaning across without hurting his feelings.
A well thought out written 'handbook' for maintaining you will make things so much simpler for him.
We dont email, he has no idea how I am feeling, so I wouldnt want to shock him lol But yes, that would be a good idea for when we hit a rough patch, as relationships always have to.. He knows me as a person, my habits and calls me sensitive, but doesn't get to the point where he gets my needs. So that will help. I am rubbish at stating them though, so It's when I have and it's ignored that is foreign to me. Yeah, we have chats about what we like about eachother.. he follows my suit and adds some endearing ones, but just doesnt say it any other time. Have to prompt and yes, it would be mcd or an ice cream. LOL It is all very helpful, thank you. His son is mid diagnosis at the moment, so I have been tempted to say, do you not see traits in yourself.. he really doesnt own up to it, or oblivious. But oblivious and indifferent is how it comes across. Yes, you are, less ruminating for sure!