Undiagnosed autism

Thank you for sharing your story. you sound incredibly positive considering the terrible things which have happened to you. I am sure that you will continue to learn to adapt and will go on to live a calm and successful life.

I will look up the mind exercises which sound useful. 

I think you are right that my husband should receive treatment for his depression but ,of course, it is a bit chicken and egg with his AS.

I agree wholeheartedly with what you say about the importance of early diagnosis so that autistic people are better able to avoid abuse. The life stories of late diagnosed autistic women (and indeed men) often reflect a heightened risk of being targeted by bullies and abusers. This may be a factor in the increased risk of suicide among autistic people - a very real danger. 

It really grieves me that on several occasions I intervened to prevent serious harm from happening to others, but abusers or perpetrators were protected because they held influential roles. It is  shameful that organisations and senior managers don't have the courage to stand up for the principles they claim to operate by. As you point out the justice system needs to take allegations of abuse more seriously too. 

Your account shows the strength and determination of people who survive abuse, and the mental health problems that so often develop as a result of trauma. We deserve much more than the patchy post diagnositic support currently available. We are let down repeatedly and, when we are completely broken, no one wants to help fix us, so we have to do it ourselves.   

I am in my mid-30's and was recently diagnosed with ASD. I was relieved but also became angry at times, for the simple reason that it's only now I am getting to know myself. Like your husband I was very sensitive to criticism from anyone (sensitive soul from an early age), and my head just couldn't process, dismiss or let go of critical stuff aimed at me. I remember some people (in school and even recently) picking up on my sensitivity and taking advantage of it - they succeeded in stressing me out. I've never understood the competitive nature some people have. 

My story is huge: I have read a few times that Autistic people struggle to defend themselves and tend to be targets for bullying. Sadly those who want to bully others have a certain mind-set, which means they can sense who the easier targets are. Exactly this has happened to me. Twice I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got threatened with knives. I was also assaulted by a teacher and two healthcare professionals. They wanted to abuse me, be violent, traumatise me, so they did. There was something about me that made these abusers think, "Ah, here is an ideal person I can abuse". I currently go to a therapist who has told me all sorts about how the minds of these abusers work. It's very frightening. All these crimes I've had happened before my diagnosis of ASD. 

So if I have to shout about something it would be that we need more ASD specialists who can diagnose people, otherwise vulnerable people remain vulnerable. We need much more funding when it comes to ASD, so that parents and kids, teachers and doctors are made aware asap of ASD traits. If I have to shout about something else it would be for the NHS and police to take much more seriously the voices of students/patients who have the courage to speak up, and not protect predators in a position of authority. (I was ignored and ridiculed by police and undermined by the GMC) Is it okay for a teacher or doctor to purposely attack a student/patient? There are problems with the law and recruitment processes, as clearly abusers are allowed to get jobs where they're in a position of trust and then pick their victims. I was angry for years which didn't help me, as my abusers were protected, which meant they could abuse again. It is very sad that many people don't report abuse by people in a position of trust - this is one reason why I was made fun of/scolded by police.

My opinion is that un-diagnosed ASD is actually dangerous, given what's happened to me. I was also suffering symptoms of depression when a little girl, and this became worse when I was abused twice when a teenager, then reached a severe level when a gp attacked me (instead of examining me).

I don't know what it is that has made your husband depressed, but from my experience, one has to want to get better, one has to want to learn about themselves (their strengths and work on these to become focused/positive, as well as being aware of weaknesses), and want to get to know themselves. If you fear your husband taking something badly, then my advice would be to just let it happen, and he can then learn from it. My people skills aren't good I admit especially with family. You have to allow the s*** to hit the fan. Holding things in/back is worse.

Due to all the abuse I've had, the big D, and my ASD un-diagnosed, my relationships have all failed. I am still young but just don't want a relationship because I now have to get to know myself at long last, work at re-setting my mind (to recover from PTSD/anxiety etc), build up confidence and try to achieve a healthy mind/positive outlook. Autistic people are known for being loyal, and in the past I did too much for others and for some reason didn't put myself first. I got trampled on. One day I'll meet a man who is right for me, but for now I have to put Me first.

Whatever personal problems your husband may have, maybe these should be dealt with first? It is just too much for the mind to handle. There are mind exercises I did that helped me, such as the "What went well" exercise by Martin Selligman. I did this for about 5 months and it helped to calm my mind down and get me focused on the good things. The Mind is powerful and needs to be trained, so that it doesn't end on a destructive path.

Best wishes to you both.

Yes, press the reset button whilst I am there.  He has a funny sense of humour.  I wonder if I could get one made online? lol

NAS50673 said:

Next time, I will have to just have to say and factor a little book in

Haynes manual - based on complete strip-down and rebuild :-D.

Ahh yes, that is true. I want this to work, or I will never leave to live with him. total relocation!

Start with your handbook first - to give a clue of how to do it - a blueprint if you like - and what he might include if he did one of his own for you.

The picture made me laugh.  So true.   How would it work if I asked him to to the same I wonder.   That would help  me too. find a compromise.  

He will be very grateful to have the inside track on making you happy. Just let him know it's to help him to remove stress from the relationship.

Yes, that would be a great idea.  I will try that when the focus is on me and he is concerned that he isnt paying me enough attention.  I should stop brushing it off.  I do because he looks pained.  Next time, I will have to just have to say and factor a little book in.  Thanks.  

Chats run the risk of turning into arguements and you can also miss out or forget important parts - or fail to get the real meaning across without hurting his feelings.

A well thought out written 'handbook' for maintaining you will make things so much simpler for him.

We dont email, he has no idea how I am feeling, so I wouldnt want to shock him lol  But yes, that would be a good idea for when we hit a rough patch, as relationships always have to.. He knows me as a person, my habits and calls me sensitive, but doesn't get to the point where he gets my needs.  So that will help.  I am rubbish at stating them though, so It's when I have and it's ignored that is foreign to me. 

Yeah, we have chats about what we like about eachother.. he follows my suit and adds some endearing ones, but just doesnt say it any other time.  Have to prompt and yes, it would be mcd or an ice cream. LOL   It is all very helpful, thank you.    His son is mid diagnosis at the moment,  so I have been tempted to say, do you not see traits in yourself.. he really doesnt own up to it, or oblivious.  But oblivious and indifferent is how it comes across.  

Yes, you are, less ruminating for sure! 

Why not write him an e-mail outlining all the things you would like so he's got a solid copy that he can refer to and work from - give him a clue - if he doesn't pick up on the cues and feelings then he cannot change.

Include all the things like flowers occasionally, trips out for meals - give him a short list of places you like so he doesn't surprise you with McD. Let him know what you like about him - keep it all very positive so he thinks he'll be icing the cake rather than a list of gripes.

You might need to be very specific about your likes so he can feel he's on solid ground with you. The more vague you are, the more unsure he will be so he'll worry and won't know what to do to make things better. Confusion will cause problems.

Men are MUCH simpler than women think.

I agree, I am so easy going, that I feel I have facilitating things, but as there a log of things going on behind the scenes, it seems, when he has a crisis, I am there to listen (being very empathetic) but it's not returned, its rationalised. LOL   I have prompted him a bit this week and he did not compute, but apologised if things made me feel a certain way.   I understand that he just doesnt get some things.

He does worry that the fact that he cannot juggle things means I get the raw end of the deal and that he tucks me away to cope with the distance.  I asked him not to.  I dont think that is easily changed though.  He hates routine changes that I make as well, throws him off. 

If I am fretting about our relationship, he thinks that a "dont worry" will solve it.  And he works on timelines too.. just a few things he let slip about our relationship.  We can talk about things when he feels insecure I think, then he asks questions and we have a good chat, then it's parked.  

He is amazing, I love his quirks.. I just sometimes need more and its purely because it's not coming natural to him or on his radar. 

Could be - it may be that your responses give him the impression he's doing all the right things - so why would he change? You might need to prompt him with what he could do to make you happier - he may never think of it himself.

Add in a long distance relationship and a life long condition too.  everything seems to be scheduled and I have to work around him. I have raised it by being direct, it is very much, two steps forward and one back.    I think I need to get some counselling or advice, and this is how I have arrived here with you lot, hoping to gain some understanding.  I am a total empath, so I am up the other end of the scale.  He does show extremes of emotion, and they are so endearing.  We have never argued, I sort of understand him.  My son and brother definitely have traits too.  I sort of feel that our initial courting phase was scripted now as he seems to have lost the ability to woo. I get the same texts morning and night, still scripted.   He is really affectionate and loving when we are together though. Is it enough, who knows, but he has no idea, or if he does then he isn't telling me.   I miss going out, he doesn't like social situations and he has a very small circle of friends.  So intelligent too.   

Does he sound on the spectrum peeps?  I would be grateful for any ideas on how to get him to open up a bit...  or you can tell me to just to accept?  Thanks.

Do you think a diagnosis will wake him up enough to realise what he's doing? Will he curl up into a ball and go downhill or will there be a realisation of his impact upon everyone around him?

I was doing military, space hardware, nuclear and radio-pharmaceuticals - so many lovely specifications & standards to adhere to.

Where would we be if there were no rules? France.

Where would we be if there were too many rules? Gremany.

Yes and of course it is great as a lawyer- all the rule based stuff and it being a virtue to inflexibly cling to being RIGHT!

How do you manage phonecalls and being alone with your children / grandchildren?