Boyfriend with autism flirting with other girls?

I'm going to be blunt here.

Where do you draw the line between staring, and looking. That's a subjective thing.

People in general tend to look at people they are attracted to, or even interested in a non-sexual way.

I'd say that autism has nothing to do with it either. I certainly wouldn't use it as an excuse myself, but that's just me. As for flirting I think most people with autism struggle with flirting, so I'd kind of rule that out. I'm not 100% sure of your situation, but it's not really a thing. I wouldn't rule it out though.

NAS50448 said:

So autism makes guys stare at other girls and flirt with other girls even though he is in a relationship? 

No, the will to stare and flirt does, as does the will to see something as staring and flirting. Autism isn't the issue here.

I'd take autism out of the equation, and just talk frankly about it.

Ok pull up a chair, get comfy. My short  reply gathered momentum and has grown out of all proportion, skip it if you like, 

my thoughts and I am not trying to say ALL autistics may think like me or that my thoughts are indicative of autism, 

I think the many responses have pretty much said what may be happening here, 

I don’t believe he is flirting, he may be admiring the female form, it doesn’t  follow he actually wants the female he is looking at, 

I may be wrong but in his innocence he may like looking at them like anyone may be looking at a beuatiful piece of art, or something that is so emotionally powerful that he is overwhelmed with feelings to process, it doesn’t mean he thinks less of you or wants someone else, yes a very clinical way of looking at it, he certainly won’t be comparing or judging you against them, He is most likely feeling unbelievably lucky to have you as his partner as you try to see why he does what he does, you are here trying to understand his world in the way he knows it, your amazing, 

the suggestion of mine that looking at a beuatiful art work is similar to looking at a female may sound crass, but in an innocent mind it really isn’t unfaithful or a threat to yourself. Merely seeing beauty wherever it is, again not meaning to cause you upset, collating data, trying to gather information that presents it self which he then tries to analyse, hence the trance like state. 

Knowing his diagnosis has pretty much in some way to him given justification to stare in itself tells me prior to it he may have been more guarded and less likely to admit what he is doing. It isn’t an excuse he is using,  more a justification for how he has always been. ( Autistic May stare ) kind of thing?

Also knowing he has you as his partner may, allow him to feel more secure to look now, sounds strange, but if he were single then he may be challenged if noticed by the female and possibly even flirted with, he has you to show he isn’t trying to flirt, he feels safer to stare. You give him a level of safety as you are his partner, 

I find myself people watching, always have. I don’t know that I stare transfixed, but I am fascinated by watching how people behave. Male and female.

 I have realised how I manage to single out open minded people, it can be as simple as a little glance, followed by a subtle raised eyebrow, it is a kind of mutual exchange of understanding, as if to say” hey, you too can see what I see! Shhh keep it between us” and that can be from some distance away, the knowing glance!

In my innocence I once asked a female colleague if she knew when the men were staring at her, she replied “ oh yes, I do, I just wish they would look at my face more when talking to me”. “ all my life I have had to accept most look at my top half not my face”

I then asked if she had ever noticed me staring at her in that way, her reply was “ no you actually look at my face not my body”,  I hadn’t looked at her in any particular way, yes I noticed she had certain pronounced body parts but what possible difference does that make to me? 

now how many people would in all innocence ask such a direct question without thinking it could be in any way suggestive? I was told I should not  ask such questions again, and that you just don’t ask things like that? 

I had noticed the men staring at her body and there whole demeanour was strange, their voices were different, the body language was weird to me, they acted more like giggly little boys, I have witnessed this many times, as soon as a female turns up they change completely, I even said to one worker “ what was that all about?” He denied anything was any different in how he behaved, I asked him why he behaved so different , again he said he hadn’t.

I treat all people the same, polite and at work professional, it matters not if Male or female, I have noticed when a female was trying to win me over in order for me to do more work than I was contracted to do, I replied if their was time and was possible I might, but it would have to be booked as an extra and billed accordingly, she didn’t look best pleased?

anyway my thoughts may be totally wrong, as said try to ask him more but try to not be aggressive in tone, 

As with most things I over analyse, over explain my thoughts, write to much, go off on tangents, ramble a lot, have anxiety about going back to work in the morning, hence this late night reply. Life as me is full on. My mind races along, so many things to think about, 

Take care and I thank you for trying to understand your partners world, 

I agree.

In fact Autistics are in general more honest so they are less able to disguise the fact that they are staring at girls.

I don't think autism makes guys stare at other girls; that's just as much a NT thing.

NAS50448 said:

makes me a little jealous of course

Staring silently at someone does not seem to me to be a very effective way of flirting.

Flirting involves some sort of interaction between both parties to be effective.  If you want your boyfriend to flirt with members of the opposite sex, then he needs some lessons in how to do it.  His current method seems to me to inevitably lead to no success at all.

His 'staring' can be a characteristic of autism.  I frequently do not know where to look, and have been accused of staring at people, but in fact in my case there is nothing that goes throught to my brain in these circumstances.  In my case it is when I am uncomfortable in a situation and is linked to the 'eye contact' thing that autistic people are notorious for - the eye contact is seen as inappropriate by a neurotypical, either in the fact that it appears not to be taking place, or is taking place in what is construed as inappropriate.

Your boyfriend is only behaving in a way in which he has little control over.  He may be able to teach himself how to react in the circumstances and put on an act to mask this behaviour, but it may slip at times and he will revert to the original behaviour.  This may cause him much anxiety.

Can you try to accept your boyfriend for what he is, not what you want him to be?

Is he actively flirting or just doing some intense data acquisition about what he finds attractive in girls? Sort of refining his tastes. Why not ask him about what he finds so captivating. It may be something like the way a dress hangs well or they have good posture so they look 'correct' in his eyes. (Aspies like correctness and order).

I think he may get Captivated by thier beauty!

I suggest you to stare at him downright silently.

Me too and I wouldn’t know how to flirt if I wanted to! 

First of all I love how you responded to this situation, by stating clearly his actions and how you feel when you see him doing it. 

I know that I like to observe people and some people, for whatever reason, some times I don’t know the reason, are more compelling than others. It doesn’t mean I’m attracted to them or even want to talk to them, I just find them fascinating to look at. I have often wished I could freeze time and people, so I could go on staring, endlessly with no interruptions. Maybe it’s a bit like this for him. 

Have you explained that when he does it in your company, and it’s at another woman, emotions rise up in you and you start to feel jealous, angry, inadequate, insecure etc etc what ever it is you feel. By having this discussion with him, it’s not to get him to change his behaviour, based on how it makes you feel. But rather to help him understand exactly how it does make you feel, so you have a better understanding of each other. Maybe he could find ways to make you feel more secure in yourself and therefore in the relationship? 

If you think that telling him how you feel, will somehow get him to change his behaviour, based on that information alone, you will be disappointed. Because even if he did, it wouldn’t be for the right reasons and it would be damaging to him and ultimately to you. 

All you are trying to achieve, is an open dialogue in which better understanding can be achieved between you both and maybe a solution can be found. 

For example, if he knows that this aspect of his personality upsets you, he might want to do something about it. It might be that you can help him to see that most people would find it distracting and unsettling if the person they are with, is putting their attention else where. You could ask him if he is able to give more of his attention to you when you are out together. Maybe he can’t, and if not, could you find other ways of spending time with each other where there are less distractions? Maybe he would benefit with a course of support around autism self awareness or about expressing himself? I don’t know. Maybe you could have some couples counselling? 

I stare exactly like your boyfriend but I do not flirt at all.

I enjoy downright staring silently watching every move too.