Published on 12, July, 2020
Ok, so here’s the thing.
My boyfriend has aspergers syndrome. He keeps staring at other girls when we go out- and I don’t mean just glaring, lookig, peeking. I mean downright STARING silently at a girl, watching her every move until she leaves his sight.
This makes me a little jealous of course. I don’t mind him looking, because hey I look at guys too, but I don’t stare at them so obviously. I’ve talked to him about this, expressed how I’ve felt when he does this.
He keeps saying he didn’t mean to stare, and that he only wants me, and so on. He also says it’s because of his diagnosis that he’s acting like this. So autism makes guys stare at other girls and flirt with other girls even though he is in a relationship?
Maybe it does? That’s why I’ve come here to ask hopefully other adults who have autism.
Thank you in advanve.
First of all I love how you responded to this situation, by stating clearly his actions and how you feel when you see him doing it.
I know that I like to observe people and some people, for whatever reason, some times I don’t know the reason, are more compelling than others. It doesn’t mean I’m attracted to them or even want to talk to them, I just find them fascinating to look at. I have often wished I could freeze time and people, so I could go on staring, endlessly with no interruptions. Maybe it’s a bit like this for him.
Have you explained that when he does it in your company, and it’s at another woman, emotions rise up in you and you start to feel jealous, angry, inadequate, insecure etc etc what ever it is you feel. By having this discussion with him, it’s not to get him to change his behaviour, based on how it makes you feel. But rather to help him understand exactly how it does make you feel, so you have a better understanding of each other. Maybe he could find ways to make you feel more secure in yourself and therefore in the relationship?
If you think that telling him how you feel, will somehow get him to change his behaviour, based on that information alone, you will be disappointed. Because even if he did, it wouldn’t be for the right reasons and it would be damaging to him and ultimately to you.
All you are trying to achieve, is an open dialogue in which better understanding can be achieved between you both and maybe a solution can be found.
For example, if he knows that this aspect of his personality upsets you, he might want to do something about it. It might be that you can help him to see that most people would find it distracting and unsettling if the person they are with, is putting their attention else where. You could ask him if he is able to give more of his attention to you when you are out together. Maybe he can’t, and if not, could you find other ways of spending time with each other where there are less distractions? Maybe he would benefit with a course of support around autism self awareness or about expressing himself? I don’t know. Maybe you could have some couples counselling?
The thing is everything you say I … how you feel.. the person you are straying at might not want you to do that,. Do you ever look at it from their point of view? It’s not ok to stare at others.