I don’t want to be autistic anymore.
I feel utterly overwhelmed and I’m behaving awfully. I don’t feel myself or feel even remotely happy anymore.
I tried to talk to the only person I am friends with and she said I don’t do anything, I only work 15 hours, look after a pony a few times a week and housework, so I don’t have any reason to be tired or not coping. I felt so confused by her phone call.
Ive been so unhappy I get so upset and angry and I’ve been lashing out because I want her to be easier to understand and more structured. I asked her if I could talk to her about this and be honest about everything because I’m finding it hard to know what’s ok to do and say. But she just said I can’t control her and that’s the last thing I want.
All ive done is make everything worse. I’ve been reading her texts over and over getting more and more upset.
I’ve been selfish and horrible and rude and I hate myself for being like this.
I don’t want to do this anymore I just want to be like everyone else.
I feel like if I take on more and more and just keep going I’ll eventually break through and manage it. I feel so out of control and confused. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say now.
Ive pushed away the only person I had as a friend and now I have no one at all. I’ve almost resigned myself to the fact I’m never going to be understood so instead of trying to explain myself to people I may as well just pretend it’s not even real.