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I don’t want to be autistic anymore

NAS36107

I don’t want to be autistic anymore. 

I feel utterly overwhelmed and I’m behaving awfully. I don’t feel myself or feel even remotely happy anymore.

I tried to talk to the only person I am friends with and she said I don’t do anything, I only work 15 hours, look after a pony a few times a week and housework, so I don’t have any reason to be tired or not coping. I felt so confused by her phone call. 

Ive been so unhappy I get so upset and angry and I’ve been lashing out because I want her to be easier to understand and more structured. I asked her if I could talk to her about this and be honest about everything because I’m finding it hard to know what’s ok to do and say. But she just said I can’t control her and that’s the last thing I want. 

All ive done is make everything worse. I’ve been reading her texts over and over getting more and more upset. 

I’ve been selfish and horrible and rude and I hate myself for being like this. 

I don’t want to do this anymore I just want to be like everyone else. 

I feel like if I take on more and more and just keep going I’ll eventually break through and manage it. I feel so out of control and confused. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say now. 

Ive pushed away the only person I had as a friend and now I have no one at all. I’ve almost resigned myself to the fact I’m never going to be understood so instead of trying to explain myself to people I may as well just pretend it’s not even real. 

  • But it is real and you can't and should never be anyone other than yourself. Everybody else is taken and your friend must like you, so the person you are is obviously a good person deserving of such a nice friend.

    Here's what I would do in your situation. Take a deep breath, calm down and when you and your friend are both calm and unlikely to overreact speak to each other. Say sorry, explain to her like you have here. You were angry and you argued, that happens amongst friends sometimes.

    But don't beat yourself up as that will only make you feel worse. We all say and do things we don't mean, the important thing is to realise you've made a mistake and then make it right.

    Nice to meet you.

    Faith. x

  • in reply to NAS49919

    I’m well aware that anyone can be autistic. This is not what I’m saying. I’m trying to say that I am tired of attempting to explain to people who aren’t autistic what it’s like only for them to not take any of it in and still view everything I do under their own set of rules, restrictions and limits. 

    You daring me to explain it all feels rather inflammatory. 

    If you are autistic I am sure you will have similar issues, it seems only NT who can’t seem to understand what it’s like, hence the reason I wish I wasn’t like this because surely it would be easier... 

  • Welcome.

    It's all ok.

    Asperger's does not discriminate. Not black or white, male or female.

    You say 'I'm never going to be understood'.

    I dare you to explain! To tell me - to talk about it all!

    d