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I don’t want to be autistic anymore

NAS36107

I don’t want to be autistic anymore. 

I feel utterly overwhelmed and I’m behaving awfully. I don’t feel myself or feel even remotely happy anymore.

I tried to talk to the only person I am friends with and she said I don’t do anything, I only work 15 hours, look after a pony a few times a week and housework, so I don’t have any reason to be tired or not coping. I felt so confused by her phone call. 

Ive been so unhappy I get so upset and angry and I’ve been lashing out because I want her to be easier to understand and more structured. I asked her if I could talk to her about this and be honest about everything because I’m finding it hard to know what’s ok to do and say. But she just said I can’t control her and that’s the last thing I want. 

All ive done is make everything worse. I’ve been reading her texts over and over getting more and more upset. 

I’ve been selfish and horrible and rude and I hate myself for being like this. 

I don’t want to do this anymore I just want to be like everyone else. 

I feel like if I take on more and more and just keep going I’ll eventually break through and manage it. I feel so out of control and confused. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say now. 

Ive pushed away the only person I had as a friend and now I have no one at all. I’ve almost resigned myself to the fact I’m never going to be understood so instead of trying to explain myself to people I may as well just pretend it’s not even real. 

Parents

  • It sounds like ur friend doesnt understand how things simple to her affect u,almost as if she has more to deal with than u,only my opinion. I had this with last ex who was a friend for 6 yrs,now in mind is no different being with her than without. I have wasted alot of time on people who didnt deserve it,hope this isn't what u have. Alot of people dont understand how i dont even work anymore-i worked for yrs having seizure after seizure,since giving up the stresses of work(mostly the people),seizures practically non existent now. U need someone to talk to other than the friend,perhaps leave the friend alone for a week or two. If they contact u in that time,might be positive.

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  • It sounds like ur friend doesnt understand how things simple to her affect u,almost as if she has more to deal with than u,only my opinion. I had this with last ex who was a friend for 6 yrs,now in mind is no different being with her than without. I have wasted alot of time on people who didnt deserve it,hope this isn't what u have. Alot of people dont understand how i dont even work anymore-i worked for yrs having seizure after seizure,since giving up the stresses of work(mostly the people),seizures practically non existent now. U need someone to talk to other than the friend,perhaps leave the friend alone for a week or two. If they contact u in that time,might be positive.

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