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I don’t want to be autistic anymore

NAS36107

I don’t want to be autistic anymore. 

I feel utterly overwhelmed and I’m behaving awfully. I don’t feel myself or feel even remotely happy anymore.

I tried to talk to the only person I am friends with and she said I don’t do anything, I only work 15 hours, look after a pony a few times a week and housework, so I don’t have any reason to be tired or not coping. I felt so confused by her phone call. 

Ive been so unhappy I get so upset and angry and I’ve been lashing out because I want her to be easier to understand and more structured. I asked her if I could talk to her about this and be honest about everything because I’m finding it hard to know what’s ok to do and say. But she just said I can’t control her and that’s the last thing I want. 

All ive done is make everything worse. I’ve been reading her texts over and over getting more and more upset. 

I’ve been selfish and horrible and rude and I hate myself for being like this. 

I don’t want to do this anymore I just want to be like everyone else. 

I feel like if I take on more and more and just keep going I’ll eventually break through and manage it. I feel so out of control and confused. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say now. 

Ive pushed away the only person I had as a friend and now I have no one at all. I’ve almost resigned myself to the fact I’m never going to be understood so instead of trying to explain myself to people I may as well just pretend it’s not even real. 

Parents

  • It is very difficult at times to accept things.  And autism, being a condition that cannot be 'cured' can be very frustrating. Being autistic is not a lifestyle choice, it is how I am and how you are.

    I suppose I was lucky in one way not knowing I was autistic until I was in my sixties.  But knowing made a lot of my feelings, my behaviour, the way I saw things, 'click' into place.  And that is not to say it didn't take some coming to terms with.

    The only way you can appear to not be autistic is to mask your autistic traits.  Sometimes this will work, and I had sixty years of doing this in an attempt to appear 'normal'.  However there is a consequence in this of frustration, anxiety, depression, of which you may be suffering.  And your autism is not going away however much you try to mask it.

    Have you tried contacting a local support group?  You may have one close to you, perhaps even partly funded by your local authority although this seems to be becoming rarer due to government cuts.   Or as you are working, have you tried contacting Access to Work, who may be able to provide support at work and help you with adjustments.  I get a support worker for two sessions of nearly two hours each per month, funded by Access to Work, where I can discuss any problems I have, and my management can get an understanding of any 'unusual' behaviour traits I may have. (The sessions are confidential and your employer would not know what was said without your permission for your support worker to talk to your employer about what was bothering you).

    I am not ashamed of being autistic.  Although I can get on ok in most situations, I do not get on well in social situations at all.  I am the last person anyone would want at a party.  But that is not anyone's concern but mine, I just refuse any invitations.  A lot of the 'problems' of being autistic are caused by peoples attitudes to being different.  You may be very sensitive to noise, smells, tastes, touch and taste, even if others find them agreeable you may dislike some of these intensely.  You may not like change, find it difficult to pick up after an interruption, have delayed understanding to what people say or take things literally.  All of these affect me, and sometimes it can be stressful or I feel a fool when I realise that I have not understood something properly. 

    And however much I try to put it to the back of my mind, it can still cause great anxiety when I find out I have misunderstood, and it is extremely frustrating when others do not understand the points I am making.

  • in reply to Trainspotter

    All the things you have said I feel and understand completely. I wish I could switch it all off but I can’t can I... 

    The sad thing is I feel like I’ve explained all this and more to my friend and yet she still interprets me coping with things on the surface as me actually ‘not being that bad’. 

    Unfortunately there isn’t any support for people where I live. There’s a group for children, a group for parents of autistic children and then a Lego group. It’s like they think once you turn 18 autism mysteriously disappears. 

    Thank you for your reply. 

Reply
  • in reply to Trainspotter

    All the things you have said I feel and understand completely. I wish I could switch it all off but I can’t can I... 

    The sad thing is I feel like I’ve explained all this and more to my friend and yet she still interprets me coping with things on the surface as me actually ‘not being that bad’. 

    Unfortunately there isn’t any support for people where I live. There’s a group for children, a group for parents of autistic children and then a Lego group. It’s like they think once you turn 18 autism mysteriously disappears. 

    Thank you for your reply. 

Children