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I don’t want to be autistic anymore

NAS36107

I don’t want to be autistic anymore. 

I feel utterly overwhelmed and I’m behaving awfully. I don’t feel myself or feel even remotely happy anymore.

I tried to talk to the only person I am friends with and she said I don’t do anything, I only work 15 hours, look after a pony a few times a week and housework, so I don’t have any reason to be tired or not coping. I felt so confused by her phone call. 

Ive been so unhappy I get so upset and angry and I’ve been lashing out because I want her to be easier to understand and more structured. I asked her if I could talk to her about this and be honest about everything because I’m finding it hard to know what’s ok to do and say. But she just said I can’t control her and that’s the last thing I want. 

All ive done is make everything worse. I’ve been reading her texts over and over getting more and more upset. 

I’ve been selfish and horrible and rude and I hate myself for being like this. 

I don’t want to do this anymore I just want to be like everyone else. 

I feel like if I take on more and more and just keep going I’ll eventually break through and manage it. I feel so out of control and confused. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say now. 

Ive pushed away the only person I had as a friend and now I have no one at all. I’ve almost resigned myself to the fact I’m never going to be understood so instead of trying to explain myself to people I may as well just pretend it’s not even real. 

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  • in reply to NAS49761

    please do not do this, this is the worse tactic and may be why you are already feeling so out of control and confused. 

    Maybe it's time to pull back, 15 hours work, a pony, housework AND taking care of yourself everyday? making food, keeping clean etc, if you are doing all this you are already doing a LOT...maybe write to your friend explaining your needs - if you can, in the meantime, I wouldn't take on any more.

    We live in a world where the basic necessities of 'living' have no value, that, in my opinion, says we live in a world which does not value life. 

    I understand why you don't want to be autistic any more, I feel like that often too, but we're not the problem, we really aren't.