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I don’t want to be autistic anymore

NAS36107

I don’t want to be autistic anymore. 

I feel utterly overwhelmed and I’m behaving awfully. I don’t feel myself or feel even remotely happy anymore.

I tried to talk to the only person I am friends with and she said I don’t do anything, I only work 15 hours, look after a pony a few times a week and housework, so I don’t have any reason to be tired or not coping. I felt so confused by her phone call. 

Ive been so unhappy I get so upset and angry and I’ve been lashing out because I want her to be easier to understand and more structured. I asked her if I could talk to her about this and be honest about everything because I’m finding it hard to know what’s ok to do and say. But she just said I can’t control her and that’s the last thing I want. 

All ive done is make everything worse. I’ve been reading her texts over and over getting more and more upset. 

I’ve been selfish and horrible and rude and I hate myself for being like this. 

I don’t want to do this anymore I just want to be like everyone else. 

I feel like if I take on more and more and just keep going I’ll eventually break through and manage it. I feel so out of control and confused. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say now. 

Ive pushed away the only person I had as a friend and now I have no one at all. I’ve almost resigned myself to the fact I’m never going to be understood so instead of trying to explain myself to people I may as well just pretend it’s not even real. 

Parents

  • But it is real and you can't and should never be anyone other than yourself. Everybody else is taken and your friend must like you, so the person you are is obviously a good person deserving of such a nice friend.

    Here's what I would do in your situation. Take a deep breath, calm down and when you and your friend are both calm and unlikely to overreact speak to each other. Say sorry, explain to her like you have here. You were angry and you argued, that happens amongst friends sometimes.

    But don't beat yourself up as that will only make you feel worse. We all say and do things we don't mean, the important thing is to realise you've made a mistake and then make it right.

    Nice to meet you.

    Faith. x

Reply

  • But it is real and you can't and should never be anyone other than yourself. Everybody else is taken and your friend must like you, so the person you are is obviously a good person deserving of such a nice friend.

    Here's what I would do in your situation. Take a deep breath, calm down and when you and your friend are both calm and unlikely to overreact speak to each other. Say sorry, explain to her like you have here. You were angry and you argued, that happens amongst friends sometimes.

    But don't beat yourself up as that will only make you feel worse. We all say and do things we don't mean, the important thing is to realise you've made a mistake and then make it right.

    Nice to meet you.

    Faith. x

Children
  • in reply to Faith

    Thank you for your reply Faith. This is the second attempt so I apologise it there are two...

    I tried to apologise but I just made it worse because she told me to stop saying sorry because it didn’t sound sincere even though it was. I don’t understand how sorry can’t be sincere. Part of me wants to see her right now and just explain without interruption what I am feeling so that she can just say “oh now I get it” but I can’t. Another part of me wants to leave her alone and hope she forgets me because I’m not good enough to be her friend but I like her care about her very much.

    I feel so massively self destructive at the moment. The part of me that has an eating disorder says the only way I’ll manage this is to restrict food and exercise daily and I can’t deny how strong that desire is. 

    I just want to be like a normal person. I want to go out and feel ok and know what to do. I don’t know anyone who is autistic and I don’t socialise or work with people my own age. It hit me pretty hard recently that I become suddenly very aware of how ill prepared I am for adulthood. I don’t know how to behave or dress. I don’t know how to do make up or talk to men. I don’t fit in anywhere. It sounds pathetic but I wanted my friend to help me with these things but I’m too ashamed to ask now, particularly as she said in her text that it’s not her responsibility to explain boundaries to me. 

    Anyway thanks for replying. I’ll try and just let it all go and breathe.