Do you work?

I work in a office building. I'm one of three women and a man. My job is to answer the phone and use a computer, my day consists of me typing, speaking on the phone and engaging in conversation (help!) with my work colleagues. My friend April who works next to me is really nice and I think she knows there's something different about me because she seems to give me a sort of comforting smile a lot of the time. Work is hard, every day I spend ages making sure I look right for work and change my clothes and redo my hair about fifty times before I finally leave. When I get to work I spend the day feeling anxious because I know I'll have to engage in workplace communication, either work banter or one of my colleagues will ask me if I have a file or if someone called. This sends me in to a massive brain shutdown moment where I spend the next ten minutes trying to think and communicate at the same time, which results in me not finding the right words and just sort of babbling like a baby.

Working is difficult, mostly because of the amount of things I have to do. Focusing, communicating, being out of my safe zone and *shudders* office meetings where I sometimes have to stand up and talk to my colleagues as well as our boss... Usually after a meeting I end up throwing up in the bathroom and have a mini panic attack.

Does anyone else here work and have similar problems to me?

  • Yes, I deal with the DWP on my son's behalf and from my experience any dealings with them are quite likely to exacerbate any conditions you already have.  

    I agree with you about the hours worked too.  When I worked 40 hours/week it actually felt as though I'd worked a lot more and I was too exhausted to do much else.  Advice at the time actually included telling me to "get over myself"!

  • Yes, that sounds familiar. I have lots of conflicting feelings about it but overall I feel relieved to have been able to retire early. Many workplaces seemed to me to be an endurance test!

    It was also a mixed blessing to be paid to "go away".  Psychologically it took its toll as I felt singled out for rejection, but finally being freed from the necessity of work has actually altered my relationship with the world and a large part of my tension has dropped away.

    It possibly even helped in many ways that I had some practice at being paid to go away.   I was made redundant 3 times and although at the time this was really stressful and upsetting, in overall terms it paved the way for greater independence financially.  

    This burnt out husk is very grateful for ill health retirement.

  • In a band you've got something like a misical instrument to distract you and you need your focus on the instrument and the music. Which is exactly why so many people have something in their hands while doing a presentation. Or a screen to distract attention.

    30 to 40 people is horrible Confused. The advantage is that they fade a bit because there are so many people. When groups are smaller you see the individuals Slight frown

  • I work in software. A lot of the time I can work on my own, with headphones on in my own little world which is fine. I tend to go through cycles of being pretty much ok and able to focus, and periods where I feel constantly panicked and talking to people is pretty painful, sometimes I go and hide in a meeting room, or in a storage area at the back of the building for a while just to have fewer things going on around me - maybe not possible but you could ask if there is somewhere you could go sometimes to work quietly??  A few years back I had a terrible boss (Italian guy) who decided he wanted to make me better at public speaking, so forced me into doing presentations to fairly large groups (30 or 40 people) and chair meetings etc - it was pretty horrible and I was close to quitting, though I have to say doing it more did make it a tiny bit easier, as I got to know what to prepare and how to structure it and what the process would be. Thankfully he got fired eventually (as he was a total *** to lots of people) and the presentations stopped :)  I play in a band and wierdly have no problem going up on a stage and playing and singing to 1000 people, but talking to a group of 20 is still really difficult. I think maybe it's because performing a song I've practised loads of times makes me feel in control of whats going on, and it's kind of a one way interaction.

  • For years I had at least two part-time jobs, often three or four, working seven days a week. I have done everything ranging from working in an office as a secretary to working in a hotel doing breakfast service, to working in a callcentre.

    I was never able to do a 38 or 40 hour a week job. I had 40 hour jobs in six days, or 32 hour jobs spread out over 5 days. At the end of the day I'd be so tired I couldn't feel my legs. Not due to physical exhaustion but because even 7,5 hours a day really knocked me out.

    Before I fell ill (much like my body gave up on me) I was working 30 hours in a call centre and working as a freelance editor on the side - meaning seven days a week.

    I worked in at least three call centers. I'm really good at that kind of work, even though I loathe talking on the phone and it is terribly boring. But the schedules are flexible and no one ever complained about me wanting to work 12 to 20, so I had some free time in the morning, and calm myself down somewhat.

    I've been out of work for at least four years now. Because I have neglected the sogns my body gave off, I probably have permanent damage in the nerves in wrist and elbow. To be honest I don't really care.

    Overall, it is probably better to be working, but I couldn't anymore. Dealing with the benefits system is hell and really stresses me out.

  • It wasn't until I left the UK that I cod be certain there would always be demand for a skill I had to offer. The 90's recession put paid to everything I was just starting  to be successful in before that. Even then, there is still fierce competition and undercutting from other teachers. I also discovered that when a subcontracted to a language school you are still treated like an employee....

  • I used to work in a high-tech, ultra-high stress environment. I was used and abused by colleagues & management but I needed the high salary for external commitments. I took it for years until my body started making decisions for me and I became seriously ill, eventually with meningitis.

    Luckily, that coincided with the end of the commitments so I was able to take a pay-off to go away.

    I'm a used-up, burned out husk now, being unable to work through ill health - but it's far better than having to endure the work environment.

  • Hi Emma, 

    I have Asperger’s and I’m a deputy manager for a care home. It’s hard and some days especially more than others. I get very overwhelmed and not everybody is aware of my condition, even tho by now my reaction to certain situations is not ‘normal’.  And that unfortunately makes it obvious. I’ve been struggling with meltdowns recently and I can’t seem to find a way to calm myself down. 

    Grace  Blush
  • I'm sorry work makes you so anxious, it does me as well, but as you know it's one of those things that needs to be done to live.

    My anxiety makes me sick, literally. I spend a lot of time at work going to and from the toilet to be sick, which is vile lol.

    Working in an Autistic day centre sounds like a fun job. I'm not surprised it makes you anxious but I guess the one good thing is that you're amongst people who are like you in ways. I hope your anxiety improves.

  • Yes.I have a small business and through it teach English as a foreign language.  I proof read occasionally too. 

    I also paint, mixed media stuff. I do make sales from.these too and would like to be more committed to these. 

  • In an employment sense yes, in an existential sense, kindof Stuck out tongue

  • Yes, it is truly a dilemma.  I must admit to taking a fair amount of sick leave in order to make things manageable too.  And I don't think I 'd like to have to rely on ESA and jump through the various hoops the DWP would no doubt put in my way.  I could only do it because I had a work-related pension but i appreciate not everyone has that.  

    Escaping the corporate culture and an open office environment really helped too.  But it took decades for me to find something which fitted me as a person.  It's really as if I'm allergic to corporate life.  

    I can remember, some time in the early 80s, reading a graduate careers brochure which passingly referred to not everyone being suited to the world of work.  Really I'd have liked them to expand upon that as that sentence seemed like the one that most described me, as I saw myself at the time.  In fact it was the only sentence in the whole of the university careers library that seemed to speak to me.  To my mind they can't bring in the citizens wage too soon.  

  • Maybe you will be able to? : o ) I found working as a research scientist great. Probably because i could spend large amounts of time shut up in small rooms with just microscopes for company! It wasnt that different to being a phd student to be honest.  Wish i was still doing it... apart from the short term contracts which weren't ideal!

  • Yes, i work. I teach in a university. Some days are great (like today) - just me in my office with speadsheets, admin and tea. Bliss. Other times i do really struggle. Mostly when it involves interaction with colleagues! I can really relate to what youre saying there. I think i would struggle in the kind of environment you're describing to be honest. Students im ok with, because at the end of the day im in control there ;o) At least i like to think i am, ha ha ha!

    Like martian tom I only work part time (about 30 hours) as thats all i can cope with without getting totally exhausted and having serious mental health issues. I think thats probably a hazard for us all. Im hoping now i have an ASD diagnosis i can manage to cope a bit better. I still have 20 odd years before retirement age, cant afford to keel over yet! Plus mostly i actually like my job, just sometime wish there was a bit less of it. Also i am very lucky that ive got a very supportive boss who has been willing to consider reasonable adjustments like flexible working which has helped so much.

    I havent explained about AsD to my colleagues (apart from my boss) and dont really intend to as i dont think they need to know, but i guess i would if i thought at any point it would be helpful. Has anyone else done that? Have yiu spoken to your boss about your anxiety emma. They might be able to help?

  • I went from menial roles (bank admin, call centre, retail work) to doing a phd in biochemistry. The phd stipend is quite good and I can live comfortably, but once that is through I have no idea if I will get / be able to maintain a proper 'job'... so I might just go back to menial work, or start some kind of small business...

  • But I would say that anything that minimises the damage or increases your own sense of control over things has got to be a move in the right direction.

    I'd agree.  But in my own situation, I'm not really sure what direction is the best.  Although I only work 30 hours a week and make just enough to cover rent and other essentials (I,too, live simply and frugally - as I've always preferred to live), I still find the work exhausting.  I'm getting to the stage of thinking that maybe my own health could be used as leverage to get me out of the workplace once and for all - but that would mean reliance on state support, and that's not really 'supportive' for those with long-term health problems.  I'm treading water between Scylla and Charybdis.  I still have seven years before I can claim my state pension.  The way I'm going at the moment, I'm not sure I'll make it that far.

  • Work has always been problematic for me.  I worked in an office environment for around 25 years and I never felt comfortable there.  Fluorescent lighting, the constant hum of the computers, the open plan layout, intermittant emails and phone calls plus hectoring managers and ridiculous deadlines.  Also office meetings, appraisals and the threat of job "enrichment" which usually involved giving talks or presentations to other staff or something else I'd worry about for weeks in advance.  I always wanted to find a quiet corner where I wouldn't be interrupted every few minutes for one reason or another but I rarely succeeded.  Hotdesking was particularly bothersome to me - I felt I had to pretend it was no bother but the uncertainty about which desk would be available, whether the comptuer would actually be working, who would be around me in these unfamiliar surroundings and where all my notes and other materials would go just really bothered me.  Other seemed to just take these things in their stride but I felt really eroded.  

    It was all very hard to reconcile.  I managed to make things easier by moving from finance into counselling but then, after my younger son had a breakdown and started experiencing a lot of the same problems that I'd always had with anxiety (except many times worse) I felt I was more distressed than most of my clients - an untenable and unethical position.

    In the end my health deteriorated to such an extent that I took early retirement.  But I would say that anything that minimises the damage or increases your own sense of control over things has got to be a move in the right direction.

    My own strategy included living very frugally so's to minimise debt, skimping on holidays because they were never worth it (an outlay of money that to my mind simply tightened the noose), never replacing stuff until it broke etc.  Plus gradually moving to part time work to make it more tolerable and doing courses that eventually led to my escape from finance.  If my health improved and my son's situation changed, I would consider going into private practice so's I could be in charge of my own working commitments, but really a bit of me is glad for my serious liver condition as it's given me a get out clause.  

    Although I've never been in a war zone, I sort of remind myself of Yossarian in Catch 22 - developing a mysterious liver complaint in order to avoid the dangerous missions assigned in the finance department.  And yes, I jest, but seriously it did seem more acceptable to hide behind my liver condition rather than try to explain anxiety levels that were through the roof.  :(   

  • My work consists of visiting job centre,  making job applications  and going to job interviews .

    My latest interview was this morning. 

    It was a miracle I made it in time.  I was following Google maps and running out of time.,  then to save time I took undocumented visual short cuts following my gut feeling and intuition. And it paid of.  

    The place turned out to be well hidden. A former block of council flats converted to small business offices.

    First surprise,  I was sat at a computer and asked to write a one page personal profile of myself.

    Then three of us climbed concrete stairs to the next floor for the actual interview. And one of the interviewers slipped on the stairs. And fell.  After a several minutes she got up and assured us she was OK.

    Rest of interview was average and uneventful. 

  • Hi Emma,

    Yes, I work - though part-time now.  I've been in care work, on and off, for 14 years.  I currently work in a day centre for autistic adults.  There, at least,  I can be open about my condition and get appropriate support (which I've recently needed).

    But frankly, I wish I didn't have to work.  Not because I'm lazy.  I've always worked (apart from periods at uni, and following redundancy, and one period of extended sick leave).  But the older I get, the more exhausting it becomes - even in congenial environments.  I'd sooner work alone.  If I could make a living out of some kind of home work - as my brother does - then I'd jump at it.  But I wouldn't want the stress and uncertainty of self-employment, unless I knew I could guarantee at least a minimum income.  I did it once before, sitting at home all day on my computer, which was great.  But the income was so up and down, and the good months never quite made up for the bad ones.

    I'd retire at the drop of a hat.  Ironically, if I'd stayed in the civil service, I would have been able to retire next year on a good pension.  But the work drove me to despair in the end, which is why I got out.

    Sometimes, the anxiety is so great at work that I just feel like going sick permanently and working my ticket.  But then I face the vagaries and inhumanity of the benefits system.  I don't know which is worse.

1 2 3