What are your experiences with dating and do you find it difficult to maintain a relationship? I find communication hard sometimes and can come across cold.
I read a thread about a lot of people with asperges being asexual. I thought i was for a while but i definitely experience attraction.
Part of that probably comes from the fact that to open up to someone, give them the ability to be part of your life you also give them the ability to hurt you as well.
I don't think I'm better off alone or with someone, but I think it needs to be the right person.
I don't have meltdowns etc. but I do like my own space sometimes so in theory living with someone would have been a problem, but I've recently bought a four bedroom house, so even if I needed a bit of my own space I can just go and hide in the study and work or play games for a bit) and there's plenty of space so we wouldn't always need to be in immediate proximity (if I'm cooking I like to be left to it, but there's a table at the other end of the kitchen that they could sit at and chat) That being said I also hope that with the right person I wouldn't really feel the need to get away from them as I've found that I don't feel the need to have my own space with certain family members or friends.
Exactly with the right people you can be at your best I am the same. It will happen you will eventually meet that person and the puzzle pieces will fit together!
Hi. No real experience. I can relate completely to you. I know I have a great capacity to love and be love yet....
The download on how you are meant to date, love and relationships I didn’t receive. Unfortunately it seems the PDF has also gone missing.
By the way, watch dating sites, I was targeted by scammers on well known sites. Yet I am savvy or sceptical enough not to fall for it.
Jeez, now there's a can of worms! I enjoy the initial stages of dating, and getting to know a person. But, it isn't without it's Aspergian difficulties. For instance, I can misread intentions, and just like job market / interview language, I can get frustrated at the weird rules of flirtatious interaction. It's heavily stylised behaviour that I can struggle to decode.
For me, the biggest recurrent problem that always manifests in any relationship is when it get's to the stage whereby you have to make a long term commitment - as most partners have accused me of being too unnecessarily secretive, reserved, solitary and hard to understand / connect with. I think at the deep core of it, my personality may just not be geared to a legitimate long-term romantic relationship. There's the rub, as even us Aspies need connection and understanding - yet I'm faced with the possibility that I may not actually be designed to operate in that capacity. A tricky dilemma, and as yet unresolved.
To be honest, whilst I've had casual sex, I've not actually engaged in legitimate dating since my diagnosis. For me, this is brand new territory and raises a thorny question - just when is it best to 'out' yourself as Autistic when dating?
For me, this seems very similar to a problem Transgendered folks can face in dating: if you reveal your status straight away, then a lot of people are going to be immediately put off in their ignorance (I've had direct experience of this, and how the dynamics of the social interaction markedly shift - from someone who was interested in you a second ago, to someone who's now deploying every polite defence mechanism they've got to get away from you). If you wait a few months into dating, to let the other person get to know you in reality, and then reveal your status, then you can face the backlash whereby they feel duped or deceived, like you were somehow trying to con them.
I know a lot of you will say that I should be proud of my Asperger's, never hide myself, and just be upfront with it on each occasion - using it as a filter of sorts, that wheedles out those romantic candidates that just wouldn't be suitable anyhow. But I think that may be a bit of a naïve approach, as the reality of the world is that there is currently a lot of ignorance, misunderstanding and assumptions within the Neurotypical community about our lot - whereby blurting out your autistic is just gonna create an immediate negative impression from their perspective. It's not that they're 'bad' people, but just that it comes from a place of ignorance. So, if you could sit a lot of NT folk and down and have a conversation with them, you can often shift the boundaries. The problem with dating is that it can be hard to know just when to have that conversation. The reality is that first impressions account for a lot, and we all want to project the best image of ourselves when attempting to woo a sought-after potential partner.
I think it's fair to say i struggle with all aspects of dating and relationships! Looking back at my previous experiences it makes a lot more sense now i know more about Asperger's. I've not dated anyone since i self-diagnosed and i haven't really thought about doing so due to all the bad experiences i've had.
But Evan makes an interesting point there about when to mention it. It's a tricky one. Ideally i think i would mention it straight away because i tend to make a poor first impression, but then maybe that would make the other person uncomfortable. I don't know.
I also think that I make poor first impression.
I am extremely anxious when meeting the person.
I think I could only be with someone who understands autistic people and would be happy to be with an autistic person.
I found it extremely hard to pretend to be like a ''normal'' person.
I have done this for years until I discovered and understood autism. I was a wreck inside.
Since I stopped to pretend, I am much happier.
Of course, we haven't yet tackled the subject of ND-ND relationships. ;-)
Does anyone have experience of actually dating another autistic? I just don't know how the dynamics of a ND-ND relationship would work... as in, would we be better suited to someone who was on our wavelength, or do we need NT's to help us adjust to life in a predominantly NT world?
I think I would like to be with an autistic person.
Preferably, someone very similar to me.
Then we could understand each other. We both would be free to be normal. Not to pretend to be someone else. And enjoy peace together.