I'm curious, how do women/girls on the spectrum deal with dating?

52 year old woman here. I am married, it isn’t easy and I think I make things complicated due to being ND. I used to have crushes on boys and girls at school, I didn’t date anyone until I was 18, then had 2 very short lived relationships that lasted no longer than about a month each time. I didn’t need to be in a relationship but I thought I should be, because everyone else wants that. I didn’t meet my partner until I was 31.
I think there is nothing wrong with being single, especially as a ND person. 

I have no interest in it so I guess I cope with dating by not dating

I have always been hopeless at "dating" and have only gone on blind dates a handful of times in my life. I met my partner at work and got to know him over several months before we got together. I work in a career which attracts a lot of neurodivergent people. Both my partner and myself have a lot of autistic traits but neither of us have a formal diagnosis (yet). I would suggest if you have an opportunity through work or hobbies to get to know someone who is on your wavelength you can start getting to know them over time and then see if things progress. I think that for me personally, "dating" was not very effective (I am pretty introverted).

My dating history was never really great prior to meeting my husband. I never truly connected and struggled with putting on this front that didn't really feel like I was myself. I knew my husband back in school, then 10 year after leaving school we got together. We have now been together 10 years, with him I was myself instantly, there was no hiding or trying to supress my weirdness I guess lol He gets me, and I get him and I think that is the key point, you need to find someone you can honestly be yourself around without feeling scared. 

I am newly diagnosed, so never really knew back then, but it all fit into place regardless, but I know there are some people with autism that cannot handle touch, my daughter for example is 17 and has said they could never ever imagine dating anyone and they absolutely hate the thought. So I really think it all depends on the person! 

Thats nice for you. Yes, I think another neurodivergent person is ideally the way to go with dating as a neurodivergent person. I'm currently in the process of trying online dating but haven't even reached the finding someone to talk too stage yet,have been trying for eight months so far, have had one or two matches but never replied when I messaged either of them despite matching with me..

I think the hardest part with online dating as a neurodivergent person is finding the right platform to use

I have not been able to participate and have always been single. I'm not even sure dating is something I'd want. I don't like socialising and dislike being touched so that doesn't leave much scope for the dating world. Sometimes I think I'd like to have a person but then I can't imagine ever being able to tolerate another human to that extent.

I met my boyfriend on Tinder, I always dated online and then met in person somewhere public. I would highly mask and be very anxious at first, but overtime I realised I could be myself, and turns out he is undiagnosed neurodivergent haha! I got diagnosed since we’ve been together and has nearly been 5 years now. We plan on getting married. It is difficult at first, and finding the right person isn’t easy. But it’s definitely easier to talk online first I think, and if you meet up and they’re not right for you, you just gotta keep trying. It took me 3 times to get it right, over 3 years. I suggest looking for another neurodiverse person though, it definitely turns out being a better relationship that way, we never argue and get on really well and can understand eachother more.

It’s funny you mention that because I know a couple who were actually just good friends at first but they were engaged to other people and that lasted years but then when both engagements ended the couple fell in love and got married. It’s interesting how love can happen

In school people just want to act all grown up and they think going on dates is a cool thing but as you say it’s such a young age to take things seriously. Again I think it’s all just stupid crushes and lust at that age but that’s what I got from the grotty school I went to. I mean the amount of crushes and dates and no doubt more stuff all started off like a fairy tale with the couples at first but after a few months it turned bad as they regretted fancying etc. all I can say is love sounds very complicated 

I'm the same, looking back I don't think school years are a good example of somewhere to look back on and think of as mature and meaningful relationships, even if it is good practice, as we have so little life experience at this time and haven't developed into our full selves. I like to think it gets better with age and social development [even with autism in the background], even though nothing of that nature has happened to me yet

I mean if tour worried then take this on board sometimes you will just find a close friend and it happens from there I mean it’s never happened toe but it does happen 

I’ve never dated anyone and I’m 26 in December! Only time I have been asked out was in secondary schools and when I refused them I got bullied for it and then got bullied into “going out” but nothing happened. But I feel that was more just kids being stupid and cruel as I went to a very rough school. If anyone has approached me since then my dad scares them off and says I’m not ready for relationships. I guess I am just hoping the right guy will come along one day, even if I don’t get married till like 40

Yes, I think in most normal cases relationships just naturally unravel from social situations, not so much planned dates

So I would say that your blatant directness worked in a positive aspect in this case, there seems to be a negativity attached to a lot of autistic traits but in many cases it can also be the opposite.

Directness is perfect because then each party knows where they stand

I hate overly public displays of affection too! I'm very self conscious anyway and to me it all seems very attention seeking

My experiences similar to what Lotus described already. I do appreciate directness and logical approach, and I based my choices on having stuff in common and dedicating time to get to know people better. Call it a spreadsheet approach (as its possible to actually make a real list and use it, even if as a script - I just had to remember to ask the questions or don't forget to diplomatically voice out opinion on the matter), as the more things match, the merrier.

Common goals, hobbies, interests, similar views, similar attitudes to life, daily news, weather, household chores, car model, plants to grow in the garden, places to visit etc. It is literally building a database and making connections within it between elements, and the number of combinations can be enormous.

Think, the most important was to understand and decide on criteria that were important for myself and what I actually wanted (what, when and how).

One thing I've always liked is directness (in friendship as well as my romantic relationship) I don't like the silly games some people play.

SJH1994 said:

I often here how there is a difference in autistic behaviours between boys/men and girls/women, I was just wondering how this pans out in the dating world?

I'm an autistic Brit and my wife a NT Brazilian - we met on a blind date when I was working in Brazil (not many people there speak English and I was having a hard time finding a date back then) - the grilfriend of a work colleague set up up as she spoke English.

An interesting thing that stems from my autism was that she was quite shocked at my directness about things around the relationship - I would straight talk and be open about how I felt about things, would ask her directly to be my girlfriend (the local blokes are very commitment averse and like to play around) and that I wouldn't be looking around at other girls when we were out and about.

This was 20+ years before my diagnosis but in retrospect it seems clear now that it was the autism, but it worked to our advantage that I was such a committed and open partner.

I recall reading that autists often have success in relationships outside of their own cultures as so many of the unspoken rules are not expected from the partner. It de-clutters the social interchange and lets us work on what is explicitly asked for.

Of course with so many being super anxious and change averse, not many would get into that situation to be able to use it.

I never "dated". I met my husband through friends and we just started spending time together and it went from there. Still together over 40 years later. I never had trouble talking to boys though, I found them more straightforward than girls. I don't like big overt displays of affection like proposing in public either.

I don't thnk I've ever been on a date as such, or at least not sinse I was a young teenager. Dates just weren't part of the way things were done, you'd meet someone along with a group of friends and take things from there.

Dating with all it's rules and etiquete seems very American