Late diagnosed

Yes, I'm in 60s and recently diagnosed. I wonder if some of the reaction is generational ? Those of us who have had a diagnosis late in life seem to have to try and wrap our lives into a new autistic framework, it's a lot. Those around don't all get it. Some areas feel a relief, " ..so maybe that accounts for the melt downs and feeling burnt out" some of what I feel is regretful, if only I could have explained why some situations were so scary, my parents apparent inconsistencies for example, from being mostly logical to being evangelistic christians and weird. But they have passed on so no conversations now possible.

Everyone's situation is different but I think maybe try and say to those that matter what the real you feels like, because none of us knows how long we stay on this earth and parents usually pass before us, so if its important for them to understand maybe write it down as a letter ? Something that can be digested in perhaps a quiet place, in their own time.

Similar problem myself. I avoid talking about it with my family who I still love very much. I do not want it to be a hot topic and a deciding factor. My late diagnosis of ASD helps me mentally because I think it has absweredza lots of questions I have asked myself over my lifetime. My wife thinks that I just want to collect so called "labels" which makes me laugh internally. Why would anyone wish to collect labels unless the label reflects the true reality? My wife also likes to point out anything I do which in her opinion shows that I am not autistic. Clearly she knows more about me than me, lol and she knows better that the psychiatrist who assessed me. One day she said to me that I am more ADHD than ASD, interesting thought. I am now on the list for an ADHD assessment, funny but now my wife points out things I do which prove me to not be ADHD. For me, all I want to know is more about who I am and why I find some things more of a struggle than other people. My current journey started a few years back after a mental breakdown. I am trying to helps my mental self. 

I got diagnosed late ish too also 

My husband didnt believe I had it either, now he doesnt believe my daughter has it, I'm exhausted by everyone

I have mentioned my suspicions to a couple of other people and have had the same reaction, there's nothing wrong with you , you can't be, everyone has issues, etc. typical stuff.

But I was thinking, what actual reaction do I or other people want?

You are still the same person, having a label doesn't change that. They will still see you the same unless you change your behaviours in a way that is externally noticeable.

Comments such as I understand, or I'm sorry, or too bad, won't help.

You don't really want people to start doing things for you as that will disempower you.

So is just a sympathetic smile all that is needed?

Life still goes on and you are still the only one that can decide what you want.

(Athough that has always been my issue, I don't know what I want, but that is not something that other people can fix).

Same with me. I was assessed (i don't like that word, 'diagnosed', as it helps to pathologise my diversity) 8 months ago, aged 66, and have felt dismissed by all and sundry ever since. While on holiday just post-assessment, my cousin told me to stop talking about being autistic and act 'normally'; none of my friends and family have engaged in any way with my assessment, and in conversation with other people - acquaintances, professionals & the like - have been told things like, "aren't we all somewhere on the spectrum?" and "we've all got issues to deal with." I've even been told that, since people like Nigel Farage believe there are 'too many' people being assessed nowadays that it's no longer a legitimate concern. We're heading into murky territory and i feel there's nowhere to turn to. When i contacted my local branch of the NAS, pre-assessment, they turned me away saying they could only help me post-assessment, then when i got back in touch afterwards, they never even bothered to reply. It's like, once we get that confirmation, we're also handed our 'superpower' of invisibility. People no longer see us. I haven't had a single 'real world' conversation in which i didn't feel dismissed.

This is pretty same here. I’m not diagnosed, but my mom does not agree with my therapist suspecting autism in me, because of her view of autism what it is and what is not, while her knowledge is outdated and incomplete. My whole childhood I asked her what’s wrong with me, why I’m like this, why I’m inferior and do different, I felt something was off. I had severe depression in my teens and I had awful meltdowns. She never acknowledged that I do have problems and disorders, she always says, “but you don’t have any problems!” “Stop creating them” etc. it’s very common experience. I decided to stop talking to my mom about my mental health. What made me angry was some time ago she asked about my therapy. She didn’t ask how it goes and if it helps. She only asked if I got any diagnosis. Some time later I told her about the suspected autism. I actually expected her reaction to be like this. Once long time ago I shared with her, that I was suicidal. Her reaction was “mhm” and she twirled her hair. Otherwise she makes everything in her power to appear like an angel in front of others. 

Why I've been very selective on who I;ve told - one parent doesn't know , same with my sister.  

Only told 1 friiend who I see a couple of times a year, that didnt go great.  In a few weeks meeting a small group, who I know (should we say through my specialist interest) havent seen them for 6 months, and do I say anything.  I mean they're probably the closest I've got to friends but again may only see them a couple of times a year.

Understand it's a big deal for you, sadly most won't see it that way.

I also feel that with the press of the so called "surge" in people being diagnosed as ND/ASD then I feel it's not the greatest time to go shouting out about my diagnosis - certainly wouldn't tell my neighbours of 11 years or go putting it on Facebook

Unfortunately, responses to autism and ADHD diagnoses are often dismissive. Diagnosis can be a huge deal for autists and ADHD-ers, and it is horrible when family or friends don’t get it. 

It might be helpful for you to arm yourself with responses, based on the criteria of ADHD and autism, to likely criticisms. Eg, Everyone might experience occasional inattention or … etc, but ADHD involves persistent patterns of behaviours that significantly impact daily functioning across multiple settings.

Doing that can help put you in control as you are turning the tables round, by being ‘dismissive’ in a polite manner, of their occasional difficulties. 

Hello Chloe, 

I've had a similar experience and was also recently diagnosed as Autistic.  In hindsight, I think my expectations for people's reactions and responses were unrealistic. It's such a big and life changing event for us but they can't necessarily see that and it might have come as a shock which would affect their response too.

I wonder with parents sometimes, if they may feel guilty or responsible. Your mum might want to brush it under the carpet while she digests the information. She knows you've had challenges and that you have sought out support and your diagnosis without her help and that might sting a bit. 

When people don't get back to you sometimes they don't know what to say and sometimes (if you've sent a message) they are waiting to respond in person. (I sent my friend a message about it and then I was huffing and puffing because she didn't really respond with much and kind of changed the subject but then when I saw her in person she was really lovely and understanding about it.)

This community here is probably the best place for support because there's an understanding about the enormity of it and no one will say 'we all have problems.' (I think that comment is particularly upsetting! It's so diminishing.)

I guess the bottom line is, try not to focus on other people's opinions. You don't have to justify who you are to anyone and if they don't believe or understand you, that's their problem.  

Congrats on your diagnosis and welcome! I had a similar experience, though my family eventually came around to it.

For me, my family (my wife included) didn’t believe I had Autism and just thought it was really intense ADHD. Even when I got my diagnosis it still took my wife a few months for her to realize “Oh yeah, my husband is definitely Autistic.” I still have family members that dismiss it to certain extents, even though not only am I diagnosed now but also one of my daughters.

Just the other day my mother tried to convince us that C (my daughter) having aversions to smells was linked to being infected by COVID years ago, instead of it being a trait of Autism. She also keeps forcing me to endure bonfires even though I have a HUGE aversion to smoke and she knows it lol.

Overall though most of my family that knows is pretty supportive by now.

Unfortunately it can be a common occurrence with family and people in general. Many don’t understand it and rather than try and understand they instantly dismiss and judge, this has been my experience with my own parents. They never did get it and brushed autism off as some sort of excuse for why I’m different. My dad always told me I should try harder to be normal. Suffice to say, I am not close to my parents now (I am 30 now) and have little to do with them.

I’m sorry your own family have not been understanding and supportive of your own diagnosis. I hope they will come round.
Whatever happens, just know you are amongst friends here who do get it and will support you every step of the way.

Welcome to the forum!