Published on 12, July, 2020
So I decided to write this in the forum for women as I am a woman, but for some reason I do not relate to the "female autism" at all. Because apparently it means I am "better at masking" but for me it is not true at all. I am 21 years old and I have never ever in my life had a friend. Whether it be in elementary, or high school, or now in college. In elementary I simply got avoided or ridiculed by the other kids, they found me annoying, they constantly accused me of not being nice even if I did not know the reason. In high school, I had a group of friends but they kicked me out and after them, my whole class followed. Now in college I make all the effort to talk to people, initiate things, go to parties and clubs. But still have absolutely zero friends despite starting college 6 months ago. They simply either ignore me, or run away, or we have fun together one day but the next day they treat me as a complete stranger again. There was one girl who I met at a party that kept telling me how nice and fun I was and stuff, we literally spent the whole evening together. But afterwards, she ghosted me while I suggested to hang out, already 2 times (2 month distance). With others it just feels like I do everything to get close but nobody cares. Absolutely nobody.
I really don't know what to do further. I know most autistic people also have social difficulties but all of the autistic people I talked to have at least 1 best friend, or had friends as a kid at least. It feels like I am missing out on so many fun aspects of life because of having no friends. I never had a sleepover, I will never travel with a friend group, I will never do other crazy stuff young people should. It is as if I specifically had some kind of built in curse that causes me to be excluded forever.
Please do not tell me to find hobbies or join clubs because I already tried all of these things and I only got acquaintances. I really don't know how I can go further and therapies also usually end with "you have to figure out yourself why you have no friends and what you are doing wrong". I just don't know!! From my perspective, I behave like any other person out there
I am 50 and a guy. While I did manage to get a few friends over the years, I n longer have any. I just don't get it. I self-diagnosed a year ago and am on the wait list. I also have cptsd which doesn't help.I am up for a chat if you want to message me ... I am trying to learn how to interact with people.
Sure! We can start chatting on this site ^^
I do watch their behavior and it is true that one day they are friendly to me and treat me as if we were friends for long, another day they act as if I was just a stranger to them. Even if it is classmates whom I meet everyday
Hope springs eternal......and as an old codger, I can safely tell you that many things often change, and often when you least expect it....sometimes good, sometimes bad......but change seems unstoppable to me!
Me too. I've never been able to make friends and as a result it's caused both depression, suicide ideation and social anxiety. I'm just so lonely and isolated. I wish things were different but I don't see them changing.
Sorry had to write it twice because it made me delete if some reason but the message is still up there. Basically the same thing
Hey I’m 23 F and i really really get this. I’ve never had a consistent friend from my entire life and then the friends that I do make seem to be just bad people that just make bad decisions and I don’t want anything to do with that so I just end up leaving. the only people that I’m close to is my family and I’m the only autistic one out of all of them so they just tell me it’s a communication thing and that I should go outside and go and be social and just mingle. it’s not like I haven’t tried but it’s not that easy and I’m sure you get that. I’ve started going to café every now and again for a breakfast and going out shopping, but in truth I absolutely hate it and I hate the fact that I can’t understand why people don’t really wanna be friends with me. I’m always honest I’m kind and I always gone above and beyond for the people I care about. I’m really struggling at the moment with being lonely and I really don’t know how to combat it and it’s rough so I’m just here to say that I get it.
Hi, my names Amelia, I'm a 20 year old female and, although I may not be able to offer specific advice I do want to lend an olive branch. I had a late diagnosis a few years ago and since unmasking I have found it challenging to essentially find friends or people I can relate to. I understand how it feels with girls wanting to be friends one day and then ghosting you the next or feeling on the outside on a circle of people.
If you ever want someone to chat to just let me know x
Hi! I hear that your feeling increasingly frustrated ,tired and lonely right now . Maybe even a bit low?a have you considered reading or watching human behavior. Maybe your putting out the wrong signals or maybe missing them entirely rather than it being what your saying .
When I went to college I found that I could only make and maintain friends at a party when we met at other parties btw so I don't feel that aspect is specific to you. I found it takes a lot of party events before we actually met outside a party. Especially if they were on a different course. And there is that odd person who doesn't function socially unless they're somewhat drunk so chances are she was that kind of person.
I my experience this problem sometimes comes from the habit of masking and the imposter syndrome that follows. You may simply need to find a safe place to experiment with unmasking, in solitude if needed, and see what surfaces. When one approaches another with friendly intent they often try to make a pleasing show of themselves, but to keep it up is hard and one can will then feel a panic that the other person will, eventually find out the subterfuge. there are many threads here about masking. Books too. try to read through some of these threads and pick an active one to comment in.
I’m really sorry you’ve had this experience - I don’t think it’s that uncommon for autistic people to feel like this. I had some friends at school - but I always felt very much on the edge of things - and felt quite confused about what was really ‘going on’ in terms of he interactions with the girls I was vaguely friends with. I felt a bit of an outsider basically - and always worried that people didn’t really like me much. Because of that (and due to my upbringing) I found it hard to trust people too. It all left me feeling very insecure. BEva use I found social stuff stressful I didn’t enjoy it much - and once I met my husband I didn’t feel the need for friends and stopped making the effort. I wasn’t diagnosed as autistic until I was middle aged - and then it all started to make more sense as to why I’d had these difficulties with socialising. My feeling now is that autistic people often get on best with other autistic people. We understand each other - and that’s so helpful. So I would seek out people who are also autistic if you can.
A: that's not automatically a bad thing. I'd encurage you to be open to the posibility that a relationship might be quite rewarding for you. If the atraction was mutual.
B: it is posible to be friends with some one you have / had a crush on. But it requires you to be very direct and honest in managing their expectations. Something like "I'm sorry but I'm not interested in a relationship with you. Posibly we could be good friends if you give me the time to get to know you. But only if you can accept the fact that I'm not interested in you romanticly and let the matter drop."
there are 3 likely outcomes to this.
Firstly, sorry to hear you're going through this. It is hard. Just curious: have you tried disclosing to potential friends that you are autistic? I have personally found it easier to maintain friendships when they know I'm autistic so understand why I might behave differently to them. Not everyone is understanding but I don't really want friends who are not understanding anyway. Also, I found Bumble BFF really helpful. You can put the app into "BFF mode" to look for friends instead of dates and that's how I found my current friend group! (Not an advert I promise haha.) Wishing you well, I wish I could be your friend!
I can understand how this feels. How tiring it is trying and trying but seemingly never getting anywhere. I'm 27 now and still friendless. I'm mute now which has made it even harder to try and make friends.
My advice would be keep looking. You never know or who is around the corner. You might meet the best friend of your life today at the shops today... It's not impossible. That's what keeps me going - hope. There is always hope.
Maybe stick around here as well... This place is friendly and features many wise and good people. I yet to make any friends online... I am very anti social sadly and I think come off bad to people... But you might make some good friends here.
Good luck. Keep strong and always hold on to that hope.
Hello Mrs Snooks. You are noticed and valued here (albeit 10 days late) I like your trees and I like your name. I am autistic. 1/25 according to you. Perhaps we-type simply operate (socially) on this type of level? I miss you when you are not around, but feel no particular need to "reach out" to you either. I am excellent at masking. I have a few semi and demi friends and I feel lonely a lot of the time. My special interests are very niche.....so I don't wish to share them in this public space. Therefore, I guess I'm buggered for "friends".......but that doesn't stop me a) liking your tress b) liking your name c) noticing when you are NOT around.......so to my mind, that kinda makes us friends. fyi.
Not possible either. Each time I try, they end up having a crush on me
It's hard isn't it? I'm a 27 year old autistic man and I'm terrible at making friends and generally awful at social interaction.. I can't mask either which makes it even harder. When I try masking I think it's obvious and it makes me seem weird.
I've no idea how to make friends but I do relate massively with you and everyone else here. It's a difficult one and I feel like I'll never have any friends to hang with. School was lonely and unfortunately it looks like adulthood will be just as lonely.
I know what it's like.
It's hard to know what to do. I am a 52 year old woman and I am rubbish at masking.
I have a few semi-friends but I don't think any of them are neurotypical. Mainly my life socially is a disaster. I feel lonely quite a lot of the time.
I'm not sure what to advise you as I am not sure what to do with myself. I have tried having some counselling, which has been helpful. I keep on meaning to try to go to a Autism support group, but don't think I would fit in there either.
My special interest isn't something I can join a club with, so I know what you mean about clubs.
I hope you find some like-minded folk on here or find someone from the tribe out in the real world. I think that if we (Autistics) are 1 in 25 people, we just need to find each other. Don't give up hope.
what clubs did you join? Also have you tried making friends with more boys? Since you think your autism is not typicaly female?
NAS91636 said:It is as if I specifically had some kind of built in curse that causes me to be excluded forever.
I know that feeling!!
How far away from Scotland do you live? My advice is send Mark a pm and get to know him. He's possibly the nicest bloke in the whole world. He'll talk to you, and would make a great friend!
And I might even be able to tell you how to make friends. I've found a method that's worked in 2 out of 2 attempts.