Published on 12, July, 2020
So I decided to write this in the forum for women as I am a woman, but for some reason I do not relate to the "female autism" at all. Because apparently it means I am "better at masking" but for me it is not true at all. I am 21 years old and I have never ever in my life had a friend. Whether it be in elementary, or high school, or now in college. In elementary I simply got avoided or ridiculed by the other kids, they found me annoying, they constantly accused me of not being nice even if I did not know the reason. In high school, I had a group of friends but they kicked me out and after them, my whole class followed. Now in college I make all the effort to talk to people, initiate things, go to parties and clubs. But still have absolutely zero friends despite starting college 6 months ago. They simply either ignore me, or run away, or we have fun together one day but the next day they treat me as a complete stranger again. There was one girl who I met at a party that kept telling me how nice and fun I was and stuff, we literally spent the whole evening together. But afterwards, she ghosted me while I suggested to hang out, already 2 times (2 month distance). With others it just feels like I do everything to get close but nobody cares. Absolutely nobody.
I really don't know what to do further. I know most autistic people also have social difficulties but all of the autistic people I talked to have at least 1 best friend, or had friends as a kid at least. It feels like I am missing out on so many fun aspects of life because of having no friends. I never had a sleepover, I will never travel with a friend group, I will never do other crazy stuff young people should. It is as if I specifically had some kind of built in curse that causes me to be excluded forever.
Please do not tell me to find hobbies or join clubs because I already tried all of these things and I only got acquaintances. I really don't know how I can go further and therapies also usually end with "you have to figure out yourself why you have no friends and what you are doing wrong". I just don't know!! From my perspective, I behave like any other person out there
I’m really sorry you’ve had this experience - I don’t think it’s that uncommon for autistic people to feel like this. I had some friends at school - but I always felt very much on the edge of things - and felt quite confused about what was really ‘going on’ in terms of he interactions with the girls I was vaguely friends with. I felt a bit of an outsider basically - and always worried that people didn’t really like me much. Because of that (and due to my upbringing) I found it hard to trust people too. It all left me feeling very insecure. BEva use I found social stuff stressful I didn’t enjoy it much - and once I met my husband I didn’t feel the need for friends and stopped making the effort. I wasn’t diagnosed as autistic until I was middle aged - and then it all started to make more sense as to why I’d had these difficulties with socialising. My feeling now is that autistic people often get on best with other autistic people. We understand each other - and that’s so helpful. So I would seek out people who are also autistic if you can.