Friendships

I hope you get a positive response.  It can make all the difference to you, but you would also be opening minds for the next autistic person to come along.

Dawn said:

Point being, I think, actively telling people we miss out on a lot of nonverbals and indirect language and inviting them to be as direct as they like with us can work.

I’m slowly “outing” myself at work. I think when I return in a couple of days time I’m just going to aim to be very open about it. I know I’ve already missed out on too much because of this.

Oh I dip in whenever I can :-)  I've never really gone away.

Actually depending on how we feel about disclosure of our autism being explicit about our communication needs can go along way with those 'overtures'. 

Had an instance like that just very recently.  Someone who's been my friend for a while has feelings for me of a whole other nature ;-), but his first attempts to signal that went straight over my head.  Fortunately, he had been listening very carefully when I had been discussing the differences between autistic and neurotypical communication styles with him.  He realised trying to hint that he fancies me was going to get him precisely nowhere and took the very direct, unambiguous approach to what he wanted from our relationship.  So glad he did, or I'd never have worked it out.  And actually what he tells me he finds so refreshing is the freedom to say absolutely anything to to me as directly as he's thinking it and have me respond in kind. 

Point being, I think, actively telling people we miss out on a lot of nonverbals and indirect language and inviting them to be as direct as they like with us can work.

Dawn said:

Particularly in a work context, or any other that may have some element of competition or power to it, caution is warranted

I lost two of my best work friends to this - one when I was promoted and another when he was promoted over me. I’ve been careful ever since to engineer moves within the company rather than be in the same team as people I see as work friends.

Dawn said:

The key I think is go slowly. 

But not too slowly. I keep deliberating over whether or not people are making friendly overtures to me and in most cases by the time I realise that they’ve been working hard to be my friends, it’s too late and they’ve given up on me.

Good to see you back on the forum!

Having been on the gay scene long before I was diagnosed with autism later in life, I’ve always struggled with issue, mainly because I was raised an only child and my extended family members have always expressed strong disapproval of my having any friendships at all as a child long before I came out as gay, because they were following traditional Irish Catholic social teachings, regarding these friendships outside of the family circle as being “bad company” and this disapproval continued long after I came out - because I was raised an only child and came from a traditional Rural Catholic background, I also faced prejudice and discrimination from within the gay community, even aside from the fact that many gay men can be very cliquey 

Particularly in a work context, or any other that may have some element of competition or power to it, caution is warranted.  We do find it much harder to work out what other people's motivation is and bend our heads around what they want from us.  That said, true friends are out there. Those who want nothing from us but ourselves.  Take time to get to know people and invest your emotion slowly.

Funny thing but when I look around at those who are close to me, they so often turn out to be either Autistic or ADHD, or else that rare neurotypical person with brutal honesty and with whom I've found a rapport where our differences in our thinking seems to contrast and complement.  I have one in particular like that who has been my friend for 30 years.  We seem to be able to frame for each other that which the other cannot understand.

The key I think is go slowly.  Many aspects of a person can attract us, but is the 'face value' who they really are?  Life tests that and folk's true nature can be judged by what they do over time.

Bones said:

But all that changed for me last year when I started working. I work with children and am a part of a small team with five other women - I'm the only man but they all love the fact I'm a man interested in early years childcare, and the kids all respond really well to me. This has actually led to me becoming good friends with all my colleagues from the team. I feel so proud that I somehow achieved this because working and having friends are two things I never imagined I would ever have.

That’s amazing to hear and you should be very proud that you have achieved that. What an a fantastic and fulfilling job you have as well. I agree with the friends thing and have probably painted a bad picture of my friendships, just wanted to add that there are things that I value with my friends but I’m very sure they wouldn’t be comfortable if they knew I was the way I am. I will get there I’m sure and if nothing else I know I’m adaptable. I guess it’s early days for me and these are the things that I’ve started to question as I have become more aware of myself. 

Really appreciate your response and find it very helpful 

I have met people through work but never really had that open conversation with them as to whether they feel comfortable with being on those closer terms outside of work. I should have done, and it's one of my biggest regrets.

I was too careless and reckless, I just assumed that they were and I ended up damaging relationships if anything. 

Always be yourself, never change to be someone's friend. People who expect you to be different aren't worthy to be your friend. You deserve better and I hope you will find better people.

I used to be the same. I spent my childhood without friends, I tried fitting in but I was like the black sheep and no one wanted to know me and those who did used me and then dropped me like a stone. I got hurt a lot, especially during my teens, and for a long time I doubted I would ever have a single friend.

But all that changed for me last year when I started working. I work with children and am a part of a small team with five other women - I'm the only man but they all love the fact I'm a man interested in early years childcare, and the kids all respond really well to me. This has actually led to me becoming good friends with all my colleagues from the team. I feel so proud that I somehow achieved this because working and having friends are two things I never imagined I would ever have.

It shows things can change and these things do happen. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that you will find yourself good friends who will accept you and like you for you soon.

Dont 

Your very welcome 

can you not access any meet up groups for Nd’s near you at all? I think meeting someone who has similarities to you might be a great place to start. I would like to be able to do that myself one day and think it would be really nice to share some things in common with people who understand us. Before I can do that me and my wife need to talk about all this, for now it’s a forbidden topic. 

Hi Caelus 

That’s a real shame to hear that grownups can still behave like cruel children in a playground. 

I would say don’t trust most work colleagues. My wife has worked for the same company for a very long time. She has moved regionally and been promoted countless times. She has always made friends easy and got too involved with them, as soon as her role changes they disappear. It seems to me that we can all tell ourselves that most (not all) colleagues can be genuine friends but these people are not someone you have approached for friendship, they just happened to be there and it’s convenient. My wife says I’m not very sociable but I think that’s how we protect ourselves from dangerous individuals. True friendships take a long time to form in my opinion. 

Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot. We are wired very differently and I hate the guessing game that goes with it. 

Thank you 

Thank you 

I’m sure you will find someone you can genuinely call a friend and in the meantime you have this place. The people on here are really helpful and always listen. I personally feel better just typing something on here and believe it really does help to put it out there. I’m lucky that I have quite a few friends but if I’m honest I can’t really say they are what you would call a best friend. I had a friend from age 5 - 42. It turned out that he was really quite disloyal and was very selfish, it hurt me after all that time and sharing a lot of years together but I guess when that line is crossed I’m done with them. Also I would say most of the few friends I have left would probably not accept who I am, they don’t know I’m possibly autistic and would not be supportive if I’m honest. My friends are Nt and there are some things that just bother me about them and there are things that I just don’t talk about with them. In short we just are not wired up the same so I leave out the bits they won’t understand. I have said more on this forum in a few months than I have even said to my partner in the 27yrs together. I do hope you find someone 90995 that you can say anything to and they just accept it. I too am hoping that one day I have a friend who I can share everything with and who gets it. 
happy hunting and good luck 

cant give advice, im useless with friends lol

i did think i was friends with work colleagues but then 2 of them blocked me on facebook and one of them tried to get me fired and im getting paranoid about everyone now as im suspecting any more to backstab me for no reason and im on my final warning so anyone could just report me for anything and get me fired for a laugh now. so i dont understand even basic work friendships as it seems deceitful and backstabbing all the time and not true friendships.

id reccomend never trusting anyone at work as a friend, they will act against you while playing friend to your face. then when they have blocked you on facebook they likely have already acted behind your back and sent a report on you at work for whatever they could do to try and get your fired or get themselves promoted off getting you in trouble.

I want to give you advice but im terrible at making and keeping friendships so im not sure what to say. I do know what its like to be rejected and lose friends though. The last time I made a friend my age in real life was 5 years ago. Ive made some lovely friends on here but they are all autistic so thats probably why its easier.

Maybe you could try being yourself and just try to pay extra close attention to how they respond. If they seem uncomfortable then you would know to back off a bit. We communicate differently so NTs might need more time to know each other before they start acting like life long friends. 

I have had lots of rejection previously and have rejection sensitive dysphoria, due to being bullied in comp. 

It's learning how to pull back that I'm struggling with, without taking offense at the same time. 

I have had this issue too. I have had people that try and form a connection with me and they end up no longer making any effort to maintain/build on the friendship. They got what they needed from me or they have other connections they'd rather pursue. The hardest thing is accepting that some times you're going to have people that are either just being polite or are just using you. Not everyone is like that, there's going to be some likeminded people :)

I think making friends at work is hard, there's the expectation that just because you work together you need to a good relationship. This relationship is typically a working one, meaning it only exists at work, which I find quite confusing at times. Have you only experienced this sort of rejection at work?

You shouldn't stop being yourself, there's people out there that will like you for who you are. But be careful of overstepping boundaries, if someone doesn't want the same intensity of relationship as you then you'd need to respect that and give them space.