advice on what to do please re: anger and aggression

I am new to this forum and only just received a confirmed diagnosis a few days ago for my daughter (I am calling her Jane).

Mummy of 3, The troubles you have had with your professionals are ridiculous.  I do not have and OT or CAMHS doctor (wouldn't know how to get them), but I do have an FSP (Family Support Plan) with the school.  They contact everybody who can be helpful. Speech and Language, school nurse amongst others.  They then make sure things are working - what you want to achieve from the plan, who you need help from, can anything be improved upon and they continue to work with you the whole way through school.

I discovered something about my own daughter just recently as I have been trying to work out some patterns.  We went on holiday (disaster) violent and rude for about 5 days. Then behaviour calmed a little but a few days later it had sky rocketed again, it took her about three days to let me know in some meek way that she wanted to go home. the behaviour has continued over the summer, and a few days before going back to school she managed to tell me she was, scared, nervous and worried about going back.  For (Jane) every time we have a change it is becomming more and more difficult. 

I am so grateful to all the guys that have put remarks on here.  My little girl is becomming really agressive, is physically hurting me and spitting in my face, telling me I am stupid, a wicked stepmother (I'm her real mum) and so many other hurtful things.  Wishing my husband was here instead of me (he died in May). But she now worries me as I have a three year old and she is starting to show signs of agression towards him.  I thought I was the only one and alone in this, i am so relieved to know others understand this feeling.

(The swimming part was so true except she can communicate, never came out.  Husband on chemo, baby and a child refusing to get out of pool you can't even get into! and the next lesson being disturbed!) I used to pretend to walk off - doesn't work, don't know why I bothered or actually still do it, I just try.

I don't know what advice to give you Mummy 3, other than I can sypathise in parts.  I only have two children and only one is Autistic, but you mention your husband is seriously ill? I have just spent the last 5 years caring for my husband and he passed away in May, trying to manage a baby, and unknown Autistic child and a critically ill husband took it's toll.  I really hope that unlike me, you can have someone to talk to.  If not, talk about your worries here.  

Someone above mentioned groups.  I can't get my daughter into them, we have tried, swimming, tennis, football, dancing and some others.  She refuses to participate choosing to hide, or go completely crazy and disrupting everyone else.  But, in your circumstances I should imagine it is nearly impossibe to go anywhere.  Caring for my husband and his needs then trying to get (Jane) and my little one ready, it was nearly midday before we could even leave the house.

I really hope you have someone to help you through this, and I hope you can find some solutions.  I am so sorry you are going through such turmoil.

i haven't attended  a course yet but we are looking into it. the advice was really helpful we do  try to plan and go over the plan with L before we leave will definitely think of a phrase to use. been really helpful  only a month since diagnosis so still getting to grips with things thank you so much.

Hi,

have you attended an Earlybird or Cygnet training course, they offer lots of strategies that really help.

Try planning the trip out to avoid triggers where possible. What sorts of things cause him to have a meltdown?

Have a plan for if a meltdown does occur, that you follow, this will ease your stress. If he does have a meltdown, keeping calm yourself will ensure he recovers quicker. Maybe work out a phrase you say when people are staring, it might be directed at them or indirect. 

i remember S having a meltdown the first time I took him swimming, when it was time to get out. As we walked along the side in our swimming gear, he was screaming his head off and it looked like I was abducting him. I daren't let go or he'd have jumped back in/ dropped to the floor. He had no understanding of spoken language, but for the benefit  of onlookers I said, "I know you don't want to finish, but you have swum for an hour, we can come again." 

Melly

My son is 4 and just been diagnosed with adhd and asd. His meltdowns can last for at least 20 minutes and he gets very aggressive towards me i have had things thrown at me kicked hit even spat at. I find it so hard in public especially not to lose my temper and everyone stares and judges you i feel totally useless as a parent.

thank you for your replies I do think he is feeling anxious about going back to school so ive been reading his social story to him every day when he asks to read it to help ease some of his anxiety his school have made him an amazing social story about his new class, new teacher etc and we done one for home too, i try to keep his day as routine as possible but like you said its hard when there are days when routine just isnt possible. We did have a social worker until recently and she was useless i begged her to forward us to the disabilities team but she refused saying we didnt meet their criteria for help!!! im just so lost on what to do both my sons dont sleep well even with medication i cant go to sleep until i know they are both asleep as my youngest will wonder around the house if i nod off im exhausted my husband is seriously ill so im under alot of pressure and stress i just want my son to be happy to see that smile back on his face would mean the world to me it really would, i will phone the helpline tomorrow for more advice thanks so much xx

Hi Melly thank you for your reply, im going to call my sons OT tomorrow as i think you are right he needs his sensory plan assessed again, i have a trampoline in my back garden which my son has full acess to when ever he wants to go on it (some times in the early hours of the morning ) I have tried everything even all the plans his school has in place for him they worked for the first week of the holidays then nothing has worked since i just dont know how to manage his behaviour ive tried time out, star charts, calming excersie, sensory toys, sensory blankets etc it just seems like i cant get to him before a meltdown anymore or when his anger takes full control ive left an urgent message with CAMHS but am not holding my breath as his doctor just keeps telling me its all part of his autism and i just have to cope with it x

Hi,

that sounds stressful.

do you have a plan in place, for when his behaviour escalates?

does he get enough exercise during the hols? S becomes less regulated without exercise and meltdowns are more likely to occur. 

Has he had a recent sensory assessment? An OT would be able to look at sensory strategies for helping him to cope better with his fellings and also give you some de-escalation techniquestion.

Melly