Published on 12, July, 2020
My son is 16 next month and i am looking for tips/ advice to promote independence.
I get him to help around the house cook/ clean/ laundry and look after his own personal hygiene. But i think i am still telling him to do things and when to do them.
He has no friends and has always preferred to be on his own, i have tried various groups and am waiting for an assesment for a new one for him to attend.
His mother & i are divorced and i see him 6 nights out of 14 (with him staying over at mine), should i be looking to reduce that and letting him choose when he wants to see me so he's not being treated like a younger child?
Any thoughts please??
Hi, my son has a set routine + we know what he may be amenable to change with + what not. It's really understanding the individual + how autism affects them. I think that's the key about making changes and/or progress. My son's always been open to a better offer but it's knowing him well enough to identify what that better offer would be. Also we don't make presumptions about him so we ask him if he would like to do something, see someone etc. We also give him time to consider as he can have problems making decisions. Sometimes he makes a decision + then wishes he hadn't. So it's giving him lots of time when at all possible. If it's a big change/decision then the more time the better + it wd be mentioned more than once, maybe written down as well. Sometimes my son will accept doing something "for a little bit" + sometimes things can be built up from say 5 mins to 10, 15 etc. I know this sounds gd but quite often that 5 mins never budges because it's something he doesn't like doing. We can have great difficulty when real life intervenes with no or hardly any notice + over turns the apple cart. My son finds some of those situations v difficult to cope with.
Thanks for the advice, i think i will introduce some sort of timetable/ list.
Do you try and reduce the structure & routines as your son gets older (to match life in the wider world)?
Hi, sounds like you're doing ok on a number of fronts + Coogybear makes some vg points. My son's an adult, altho emotionally/mentally, quite a bit younger than that. With prompts at times he does what your son does, ie: housework, personal hygiene. My son values greatly having choices. If he doesn't want to do something/be with somebody, he's aware that usually he doesn't have to. I do think it's important to have a word with your ex before deciding to instigate changes in case there may be problems. I wd think it equally important for her to tell you in advance if she was going to change anything relating to your son.
Hi TipsWanted,
Personally, you sound like you are doing fine with your son, however if you want to prompt him less verbally, you could try using a visual chore timetable, rather than prompt him verbally. With my own son, I have to prompt him to look at the table, but then he follows the tasks in the order written. You might give that a try.
If your son has few friends, I'm sure he values his time spent with you. My own son values time with adults way more than with his peers, however, it's helpful to have a mix. Sometimes time spent with peers in an area of 'his special interest' may help break that barrier of anxiety in associating with your peers.
I'm sure you also appreciate that stucture and routine is also very important to those on the spectrum. If you intend to alter that, then speak with him first or better still ask him what he would like.
Regards,
CoogyBear