Son really struggling at university - social anxiety

Hi as a person on the spectrum who has been to university I found joining a society helped and going to different activities the university provided really helped me to settle. Maybe you could find out if there is an autistic society or any autism groups near your son he might enjoy. Also try to encourage him to speak to his flat mates I found it hard at first but it got a lot easier and we used to do some fun things together like cook meals watch films and sometimes we go out for food or go for walks. But it’s important to let him settle down and get used to things and hopefully things might start to improve.

Yeah, this a super difficult situation. It might even be helpful getting a fridge and microwave in his room, then he could meal prep early in the morning and then reheat it as necessary. This is pretty much what I do anyway. 

Actually even if getting in his room isn't possible, I think trying to meal prep could be really useful. If he sorts out a system where he makes effectively one meal per container, he only needs to find a 4-6min period where he can shove it in the microwave and then leave with no one in the kitchen. Easier said than done I am very aware, but  could be a good goal to get to.

I agree emailing disability services is a good move. And I hope that DSA gets some useful stuff put in place. I have various posts on this site detailing what I get from them, but I recommend asking about mentoring and Brain in Hand (it's a super useful app that helps me a lot). 

I also recommend, although I understand it would be another source of stress, that he considers making an account on here. We're not too scary, and there are a few of us that are at or have recently left uni. He could private message if that's easier, and as notifications don't really work, he can just log on when he feels up to it. Might help understanding his autism if he sees what's going on with the rest of us. 

Is this not normal for an autistic boy? I am surprised he hasn’t taken to drinking alcohol to cope with the social anxiety like I would have at uni. Well done to him for that. I question how autism friendly a place like uni actually is for us though. But your boy has to go to uni to get a good job though just tell him to ride it out in his room or something. As long as he completes his course that’s all that matters really. That’s all he’s there to do really. The freshers stuff and drink and drugs is all hype it doesn’t get you a 50K a year job like studying does.

Thank you for replying. He is going to his induction activities (lectures haven't started yet, this is welcome week) and I think he will continue to do that. He has contacted the disability service but they've asked him to come in to talk about how they can help with his anxiety, but obviously he is too anxious to do that! I've tried to get him to email them instead and explain that so hopefully he will.

That's a good point about eating- he's not having any hot meals and just eating snacks in his room. He already had a bit of an issue about eating in public - he used to eat lunch on his own in the park at sixth form. I don't think eating in his room would be so bad if he was getting out into the kitchen to make it though. It feels as though he's used up all his emotional and social energy getting himself into uni every day and doing all those activities, so he has nothing left when he gets back to his flat.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. And I'm sorry to hear the difficulties many of you have also faced. He doesn't have DSA as I didn't know about it until recently, and also didn't know that we could possibly apply for it even without having the autism diagnosis yet. We will look into doing that. His uni have put things in place with just evidence of referral but it is things for assessments like extra time in exams and longer deadlines, but those are things he doesn't actually need. They've asked him to go in and talk to the disability support unit about what they can put in place to support him with anxiety (I think this might be things like not having to do large group presentations maybe) but because of his anxiety he can't make himself go in to see them!

I think it would be helpful for him to be able to acknowledge that he is likely autistic and tell people, as then they would understand and he might get more support. But he's struggling to acknowledge it himself - I think because its never been something that was mentioned to us/him through his whole childhood, even though he's clearly struggled, so it feels like it will take him a while to get his head around it.

I suffered from anxiety during the first few weeks of university, I lived in a large traditional hall of residence - 160 students, but most meals were catered. I found solace by a strange route, I read Borstal Boy by Brendan Behan, I found it in the hall library, it told the story of his imprisonment and subsequent experiences in a Borstal Institution in the 1940s. It put my difficulties firmly into perspective. I went on to spend all three years in hall, and had a group of friends for the first time in my life - previously I had never had more than one or two friends at any one time.

If your son were diagnosed, the university disability support unit would have to make proactive efforts to ease his problems. It would be useful to inform them of his suspected autism. The university cannot act if it does not know. There may also be self help or social groups available for autistic students, the Students Union welfare officer should be able to help with this. 

Seeking a private autism assessment/diagnosis either through paying or via the NHS 'Right to Choose' scheme would considerably speed up the glacial mainstream NHS process, with often years of waiting. I have heard of universities arranging autism assessments for students, another good reason for telling them.

Hi Toadstool and welcome.

I read your post with much interest as I also struggled with social anxiety, or rather what I told myself was social anxiety, whilst attempting university. I am sure that you will receive much love and support on here but maybe if I share my own experiences with you, it may help you and also your son to really get the sense that you are not alone and that accessing support early on is of the essence.

By the time I transitioned from GCSE to A-Level and applied for Oxford Unuversity after attending a two-week 'summer school' programme aimed at higher achieving children from low socio-economic backgrounds, I was suicidal. Forgive me for the impromptu addition of the last word of the last sentence but regrettably it has dogged me particularly since not feeling able to access support services whilst at university.

I knew that I was different and I was aware of the myriad psychiatric conditions - neurological and psychotic - alongside the social, such as social anxiety, that I likely came under the umbrella of. Reading about the conditions, the experiences, the consequences etc was (and is) bread and butter to me. What wasn't (and still, to some degree, isn't) something that came naturally to me was what I now know as 'executive functioning', or basically the ability to actually get stuff done. What needed to get done for me was to swallow my pride somehow, tackle my inhibitions...again, somehow, and ask for help. I couldn't and I didn't. 

I finally walked out of sixth-form during my A2 year and continued my studies on my own terms from home. Managing still to secure the minimum needed for university, but not Oxbridge, I planned to attend Reading University to read History and English after working in a warehouse for a year. I quit soon after enrolling and took another gap year to work in central London (I was brought up in the westernmost London suburb) to do similarly menial work with the same agency, just in a different setting. I enrolled at a local university so that I wasn't living out but still quit soon after enrolling. Same unresolved, underlying issues which I castigated myself for being my reluctance to seek professional help for social anxiety.

By now, after practically throwing my academic potential down the drain, I intermittently worked, intermittently wallowed in depression and suicidal angst for several years. I eventually found myself in a relationship with an autistic partner which led to marriage and two children. During which time I somehow managed to secure my degree (with the hope of better job prospects) with the Open University. Relationship ended nearly two years ago and unresolved issues remain - 20 years after first experiencing the stress and sense of unfulfillment at university. 

It is only really now, as I push 40, that I am resolving to self-identify as autistic, awaiting the 2 year+ NHS referral. My attempt to train to become a teacher is in the balance due to 'concerns over my wellbeing', which I can now see are more clearly autism-related. And so the years of uncertainty continue...

I guess my point in summarising the past 20 years of my life, and feel free to share with your son, is that with the right support and understanding - both from others but most importantly by being honest with myself - life could have been more secure for me. I could have spared my own parents the stress and worry that I have put them through and now be a much more secure individual, feeling more grounded in day-to-day life, rather than the bag of assorted nerves and disillusioned, neurotic homo-anxietous that I wake up as and endure being every day.

Life is hard but it is just about bearable...just. I pray that your son gets the support that he could most likely receive much much benefit from, not only at present as he transitions initially to higher education but in the long-term as he internalises the benefits of ongoing long-term support for either social anxiety or autism, a condition which society is becoming increasingly more aware and accepting of, in a world which accustoms itself in abstract relativity of questioning the essential validity of the concept of the 'norm'. We are more and more accepted, precisely because we are different - the way we act, the way we think and feel, and the way we simply are. 

I wish you and your son all the best in your present predicament and for your future journey of guidance through love and understanding. I hope my 'meagre' contribution is of some benefit if you have chosen to read. And bless you if you have.

Warmest love and blessings.

Andrew

It’s so tough and your son is being so courageous to go to Uni and live in shared accommodation. When I was a student (many years ago) I hadn’t been diagnosed yet and didn’t have any idea I was autistic - but I well remember the stress of those early days. My eldest went to Uni and he found it very difficult too. So I can relate. 
A very encouraging part of your post is that his flatmates are reaching out to him with the note. This seems like a very friendly and lovely gesture. A good sign certainly. 
My instinct is that your son has an opportunity here to make small steps out of his comfort zone and to actually make some friends. It’s a lonely thing to be at uni and have no friends at all, and he’s going to be there for three years - and that’s a long time to be alone in a crowd. If he moves into a flat on his own it will undoubtedly reduce his opportunities for making friends. So I instinctively feel it would be better - if he feels able and willing to do this - to try and stay in the shared accommodation and be open to some social contact with his flatmates. Not easy - but hopefully there’s a possibility there. 
When I was a student I must admit I relied on alcohol in social situations to reduce my anxiety - and of course that’s not always a good idea. My eldest doesn’t drink - so he just braved it out - he definitely struggled but eventually made some friends at a Larp group connected to the university. If your son could find someone with similar interests that’s often the best way. 
I know it can be so very hard but it’s worth doing everything he can to try to speak to people if he can. In some ways the longer you leave it the harder it gets. 
I really do empathise - I know how difficult it can be. it’s also difficult as a parent - we feel our children’s struggles so deeply and so want to help. I wish him so much luck ! And try not to worry - hopefully things will improve for him in time. A lot of autistic people have a tricky start at uni but often find their feet in time.

Hi,

I also struggled a lot with the shared kitchen in my first year at uni, to the point where I wasn't able manage eating sufficiently. As a result I was moved into a room with cooking facilities in room. This was still on a corridor with other students, so the isolation wasn't as much as you might think, and I eventually started communicating more with other students and now in third year have a good set of friends.

Social anxiety is a real battle. But taking away that aspect from eating was important for me. I think it could help to make that core necessity easier.

Does he have DSA and has he contacted the disability services? Even without the autism diagnosis yet, a letter from the GP about this level of social anxiety should surfice. This can provide things such as a mentor. Communicating via email and maybe video call is a good start. 

How is this currently affecting his studies? Is he going to lectures and seminars? This could also be something that the disability service could help with.

Does he have any hobbies he likes anyway? Finding societies that involve these is a good way to get to know people, and most I went to didn't really require me to talk to anyone for a few weeks which allowed me time to get used to the people there.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions.