Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I'm new to this forum - I hope its ok to post. My son has been referred for an autism assessment by the GP but he hasn't actually been diagnosed. He went away to uni last weekend, staying in halls - he knew he was going to find it difficult but he really wanted to try. He's been to all his course induction activities and said he's looking forward to starting the course properly next week.
But it is the living arrangements he's struggling with. He's self catering, sharing a kitchen with four others. He's not dared leave his room to speak to them, he's been going into the kitchen at 6am to make himself some food when nobody is around, and then staying in his room when he's not at course induction activities. His flatmates have put notes under his door asking if he's ok and if he wants to join the whatsapp chat. It took him hours to work up the courage to actually read the notes, and he doesn't want to join the group chat. I've suggested he tries writing a note for his flatmates, which he might try but he's not sure. He's coming home this weekend (already planned) so he'll have a break then. But we're not sure whether the best thing would be to try to see if he can move into a self-contained studio flat, so he can have his own kitchen and not have to see anyone, or whether this won't help him and isolate him further. We could reach out to the university residential experience people but I know he won't accept help, and wouldn't feel able to go and approach them for a meeting or anything.
He hasn't spoken to anyone on his course yet, but he's fine with that and we know it'll just take time and he may or may not make a friend or two.
Hi Toadstool and welcome.
I read your post with much interest as I also struggled with social anxiety, or rather what I told myself was social anxiety, whilst attempting university. I am sure that you will receive much love and support on here but maybe if I share my own experiences with you, it may help you and also your son to really get the sense that you are not alone and that accessing support early on is of the essence.
By the time I transitioned from GCSE to A-Level and applied for Oxford Unuversity after attending a two-week 'summer school' programme aimed at higher achieving children from low socio-economic backgrounds, I was suicidal. Forgive me for the impromptu addition of the last word of the last sentence but regrettably it has dogged me particularly since not feeling able to access support services whilst at university.
I knew that I was different and I was aware of the myriad psychiatric conditions - neurological and psychotic - alongside the social, such as social anxiety, that I likely came under the umbrella of. Reading about the conditions, the experiences, the consequences etc was (and is) bread and butter to me. What wasn't (and still, to some degree, isn't) something that came naturally to me was what I now know as 'executive functioning', or basically the ability to actually get stuff done. What needed to get done for me was to swallow my pride somehow, tackle my inhibitions...again, somehow, and ask for help. I couldn't and I didn't.
I finally walked out of sixth-form during my A2 year and continued my studies on my own terms from home. Managing still to secure the minimum needed for university, but not Oxbridge, I planned to attend Reading University to read History and English after working in a warehouse for a year. I quit soon after enrolling and took another gap year to work in central London (I was brought up in the westernmost London suburb) to do similarly menial work with the same agency, just in a different setting. I enrolled at a local university so that I wasn't living out but still quit soon after enrolling. Same unresolved, underlying issues which I castigated myself for being my reluctance to seek professional help for social anxiety.
By now, after practically throwing my academic potential down the drain, I intermittently worked, intermittently wallowed in depression and suicidal angst for several years. I eventually found myself in a relationship with an autistic partner which led to marriage and two children. During which time I somehow managed to secure my degree (with the hope of better job prospects) with the Open University. Relationship ended nearly two years ago and unresolved issues remain - 20 years after first experiencing the stress and sense of unfulfillment at university.
It is only really now, as I push 40, that I am resolving to self-identify as autistic, awaiting the 2 year+ NHS referral. My attempt to train to become a teacher is in the balance due to 'concerns over my wellbeing', which I can now see are more clearly autism-related. And so the years of uncertainty continue...
I guess my point in summarising the past 20 years of my life, and feel free to share with your son, is that with the right support and understanding - both from others but most importantly by being honest with myself - life could have been more secure for me. I could have spared my own parents the stress and worry that I have put them through and now be a much more secure individual, feeling more grounded in day-to-day life, rather than the bag of assorted nerves and disillusioned, neurotic homo-anxietous that I wake up as and endure being every day.
Life is hard but it is just about bearable...just. I pray that your son gets the support that he could most likely receive much much benefit from, not only at present as he transitions initially to higher education but in the long-term as he internalises the benefits of ongoing long-term support for either social anxiety or autism, a condition which society is becoming increasingly more aware and accepting of, in a world which accustoms itself in abstract relativity of questioning the essential validity of the concept of the 'norm'. We are more and more accepted, precisely because we are different - the way we act, the way we think and feel, and the way we simply are.
I wish you and your son all the best in your present predicament and for your future journey of guidance through love and understanding. I hope my 'meagre' contribution is of some benefit if you have chosen to read. And bless you if you have.
Warmest love and blessings.
Andrew