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Son really struggling at university - social anxiety

Toadstool

Hi,

I'm new to this forum - I hope its ok to post. My son has been referred for an autism assessment by the GP but he hasn't actually been diagnosed. He went away to uni last weekend, staying in halls - he knew he was going to find it difficult but he really wanted to try. He's been to all his course induction activities and said he's looking forward to starting the course properly next week.

But it is the living arrangements he's struggling with. He's self catering, sharing a kitchen with four others. He's not dared leave his room to speak to them, he's been going into the kitchen at 6am to make himself some food when nobody is around, and then staying in his room when he's not at course induction activities. His flatmates have put notes under his door asking if he's ok and if he wants to join the whatsapp chat. It took him hours to work up the courage to actually read the notes, and he doesn't want to join the group chat. I've suggested he tries writing a note for his flatmates, which he might try but he's not sure. He's coming home this weekend (already planned) so he'll have a break then. But we're not sure whether the best thing would be to try to see if he can move into a self-contained studio flat, so he can have his own kitchen and not have to see anyone, or whether this won't help him and isolate him further. We could reach out to the university residential experience people but I know he won't accept help, and wouldn't feel able to go and approach them for a meeting or anything.

He hasn't spoken to anyone on his course yet, but he's fine with that and we know it'll just take time and he may or may not make a friend or two.

Parents

  • It’s so tough and your son is being so courageous to go to Uni and live in shared accommodation. When I was a student (many years ago) I hadn’t been diagnosed yet and didn’t have any idea I was autistic - but I well remember the stress of those early days. My eldest went to Uni and he found it very difficult too. So I can relate. 
    A very encouraging part of your post is that his flatmates are reaching out to him with the note. This seems like a very friendly and lovely gesture. A good sign certainly. 
    My instinct is that your son has an opportunity here to make small steps out of his comfort zone and to actually make some friends. It’s a lonely thing to be at uni and have no friends at all, and he’s going to be there for three years - and that’s a long time to be alone in a crowd. If he moves into a flat on his own it will undoubtedly reduce his opportunities for making friends. So I instinctively feel it would be better - if he feels able and willing to do this - to try and stay in the shared accommodation and be open to some social contact with his flatmates. Not easy - but hopefully there’s a possibility there. 
    When I was a student I must admit I relied on alcohol in social situations to reduce my anxiety - and of course that’s not always a good idea. My eldest doesn’t drink - so he just braved it out - he definitely struggled but eventually made some friends at a Larp group connected to the university. If your son could find someone with similar interests that’s often the best way. 
    I know it can be so very hard but it’s worth doing everything he can to try to speak to people if he can. In some ways the longer you leave it the harder it gets. 
    I really do empathise - I know how difficult it can be. it’s also difficult as a parent - we feel our children’s struggles so deeply and so want to help. I wish him so much luck ! And try not to worry - hopefully things will improve for him in time. A lot of autistic people have a tricky start at uni but often find their feet in time.

Reply

  • It’s so tough and your son is being so courageous to go to Uni and live in shared accommodation. When I was a student (many years ago) I hadn’t been diagnosed yet and didn’t have any idea I was autistic - but I well remember the stress of those early days. My eldest went to Uni and he found it very difficult too. So I can relate. 
    A very encouraging part of your post is that his flatmates are reaching out to him with the note. This seems like a very friendly and lovely gesture. A good sign certainly. 
    My instinct is that your son has an opportunity here to make small steps out of his comfort zone and to actually make some friends. It’s a lonely thing to be at uni and have no friends at all, and he’s going to be there for three years - and that’s a long time to be alone in a crowd. If he moves into a flat on his own it will undoubtedly reduce his opportunities for making friends. So I instinctively feel it would be better - if he feels able and willing to do this - to try and stay in the shared accommodation and be open to some social contact with his flatmates. Not easy - but hopefully there’s a possibility there. 
    When I was a student I must admit I relied on alcohol in social situations to reduce my anxiety - and of course that’s not always a good idea. My eldest doesn’t drink - so he just braved it out - he definitely struggled but eventually made some friends at a Larp group connected to the university. If your son could find someone with similar interests that’s often the best way. 
    I know it can be so very hard but it’s worth doing everything he can to try to speak to people if he can. In some ways the longer you leave it the harder it gets. 
    I really do empathise - I know how difficult it can be. it’s also difficult as a parent - we feel our children’s struggles so deeply and so want to help. I wish him so much luck ! And try not to worry - hopefully things will improve for him in time. A lot of autistic people have a tricky start at uni but often find their feet in time.

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