Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I'm new to this forum - I hope its ok to post. My son has been referred for an autism assessment by the GP but he hasn't actually been diagnosed. He went away to uni last weekend, staying in halls - he knew he was going to find it difficult but he really wanted to try. He's been to all his course induction activities and said he's looking forward to starting the course properly next week.
But it is the living arrangements he's struggling with. He's self catering, sharing a kitchen with four others. He's not dared leave his room to speak to them, he's been going into the kitchen at 6am to make himself some food when nobody is around, and then staying in his room when he's not at course induction activities. His flatmates have put notes under his door asking if he's ok and if he wants to join the whatsapp chat. It took him hours to work up the courage to actually read the notes, and he doesn't want to join the group chat. I've suggested he tries writing a note for his flatmates, which he might try but he's not sure. He's coming home this weekend (already planned) so he'll have a break then. But we're not sure whether the best thing would be to try to see if he can move into a self-contained studio flat, so he can have his own kitchen and not have to see anyone, or whether this won't help him and isolate him further. We could reach out to the university residential experience people but I know he won't accept help, and wouldn't feel able to go and approach them for a meeting or anything.
He hasn't spoken to anyone on his course yet, but he's fine with that and we know it'll just take time and he may or may not make a friend or two.
I also struggled a lot with the shared kitchen in my first year at uni, to the point where I wasn't able manage eating sufficiently. As a result I was moved into a room with cooking facilities in room. This was still on a corridor with other students, so the isolation wasn't as much as you might think, and I eventually started communicating more with other students and now in third year have a good set of friends.
Social anxiety is a real battle. But taking away that aspect from eating was important for me. I think it could help to make that core necessity easier.
Does he have DSA and has he contacted the disability services? Even without the autism diagnosis yet, a letter from the GP about this level of social anxiety should surfice. This can provide things such as a mentor. Communicating via email and maybe video call is a good start.
How is this currently affecting his studies? Is he going to lectures and seminars? This could also be something that the disability service could help with.
Does he have any hobbies he likes anyway? Finding societies that involve these is a good way to get to know people, and most I went to didn't really require me to talk to anyone for a few weeks which allowed me time to get used to the people there.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions.
Thank you for replying. He is going to his induction activities (lectures haven't started yet, this is welcome week) and I think he will continue to do that. He has contacted the disability service but they've asked him to come in to talk about how they can help with his anxiety, but obviously he is too anxious to do that! I've tried to get him to email them instead and explain that so hopefully he will.
That's a good point about eating- he's not having any hot meals and just eating snacks in his room. He already had a bit of an issue about eating in public - he used to eat lunch on his own in the park at sixth form. I don't think eating in his room would be so bad if he was getting out into the kitchen to make it though. It feels as though he's used up all his emotional and social energy getting himself into uni every day and doing all those activities, so he has nothing left when he gets back to his flat.
Yeah, this a super difficult situation. It might even be helpful getting a fridge and microwave in his room, then he could meal prep early in the morning and then reheat it as necessary. This is pretty much what I do anyway.
Actually even if getting in his room isn't possible, I think trying to meal prep could be really useful. If he sorts out a system where he makes effectively one meal per container, he only needs to find a 4-6min period where he can shove it in the microwave and then leave with no one in the kitchen. Easier said than done I am very aware, but could be a good goal to get to.
I agree emailing disability services is a good move. And I hope that DSA gets some useful stuff put in place. I have various posts on this site detailing what I get from them, but I recommend asking about mentoring and Brain in Hand (it's a super useful app that helps me a lot).
I also recommend, although I understand it would be another source of stress, that he considers making an account on here. We're not too scary, and there are a few of us that are at or have recently left uni. He could private message if that's easier, and as notifications don't really work, he can just log on when he feels up to it. Might help understanding his autism if he sees what's going on with the rest of us.