School trip

This sounds really positive. I also have had a problem with men as a result of childhood experiences - i find it hard to trust men and found their physical presence very uncomfortable. My relationship with my husband helped to heal this - but I still have it as an issue for me. So I can empathise with your daughter in that respect. Hopefully in the future this may improve for her too - and her overall anxiety regarding men will reduce. I’ve found it helpful to dig into this issue and try to deal with the roots of it. One thing I read about was was to try to imagine my father as a five year old child - and realise that he was also afraid and vulnerable when in the presence of HIS dad. So if your daughter is able to realise that this male teacher is also capable of feeling afraid or insecure etc - that he is vulnerable inside too - that he might feel less disquieting to her maybe? To me the sleeping thing implies a level of vulnerability perhaps? I don’t know about your daughter but for myself I found men threatening - and seeing a vulnerable side to them was helpful,to me and enabled me to find them more relatable. So for this teacher you might say “he’s obviously trying really hard to be a good teacher - but being a teacher is a really hard job and they are dealing with a LOT of pressure as a teacher. He probably worries that he isn’t always doing a good job, and maybe feels like he’s failing some of the time. He obviously is trying to get on with you and do his best - but he won’t get it right all of the time. But I’m sure he’s doing his best - just like you. He’s probably coping with a lot of stress much of the time”. 
I speak from experience when I say that when you are anxious you often fail to see the other person’s perspective - and when you switch to thinking about how the other person is feeling your own anxiety often reduces a lot. 
I really hope your daughter really enjoys her school trip! She deserves to - so I hope it goes really well! 

Don't worry, you have not offended me, and thank you for your reply. 

I have spoken to her. She has explained that she doesn't feel comfortable around him because he is 'large' and that he says things that upset her. She understands that what he says is not in a harsh way or in any shape or form to upset her and that he is just being friendly and joking around. 

She has been in therapy for multiple things her whole life, including talking about her fear and feelings around males. I have also asked her how he helps her and she replied that he frequently checks in with her, and tries to help her find solutions to her problems. This has made her realise that he isn't the 'bad man' that she viewed him and that he is there to help her. Yes, he did fall asleep, but I explained the reasons as to why he may have fallen asleep,

My response to finding out he fell asleep whilst with her, just worried me because of her needs. She needs constant supervision and i do panic when I'm not with her incase she has an incident. 

ParentingAutism said:

That teacher is male and she struggles with males. It took nearly 3 years for her to work with him. That teacher slept, yes slept, when she had him. 

I may be off base here but it sounds like the fact she has issues with males may need to be worked on with a therapist. It may just be a difficult interaction she had but it is worth digging into in case there is somethine more underlying it that needs therapy for her and maybe other action against the perpertator.

Her reaction to a minor indiscretion is rather extreme and this is why I think she needs therapy to help her put things in context and be more accepting of others failings. This will be a skill that helps her have less friction in life and hopefully the therapy will give her more personal peace of mind.

ParentingAutism said:

I am going to talk to the school. 

What are you going to tell them here? That the teacher has nodded off in the classroom and should be removed or that your daughter has an issue with men so they should affect the teacher and all the other students to accommodate it.

The question of fairness needs to be raised here - I understand your daughter has needs but if it takes extreme measures to meet these which affect others, is it the right course of action.

Maybe a starting point is to talk through with your daughter WHY she doesn't like him. Help her rationalise and process the things she doesn't like - talk her through considering others and see if she comes to the conclusions on her own that are practical. This would be where I would go.

What are the real alternatives here? Impact a teachers career because of one studens perspective? The upheaval of changing class or school in the hope you get a female teacher? Help your daughter address her issues?

This isn't intended as an attack on you by the way, just trying to help put it in perspective so apologies if I have offended you.

It might be helpful if you can help your daughter to view this teacher with a bit of understanding. For example - you seem horrified that this teacher ‘slept’ in class. You and your daughter might want to consider why this might be. For example - perhaps he is a father of a young child who doesn’t sleep at night and keeps the parents awake. Or maybe this teacher works very hard so gets very tired. Being tired and sleepy is not a crime - it’s of course not ideal to fall asleep at work (!) but I think you could find a bit more understanding and compassion for this teacher - and judge him less. Does he have any good qualities that you might want to think about in order to feel less negatively about him? Is he helpful to other children for example? I understand that you say your daughter doesn’t like male teachers - maybe you could have a chat about that? Are there any men that she feels positively towards? 
I would discuss these sorts of things with her, and try to get her to have a more balanced view about male teachers, and this teacher in particular. In essence: I’m sure he’s got some good points, and sometimes we do have to have contact with people who may not be our ‘favourite people’ - but we can still treat them with respect and spend a small amount of time with them none the less. Perhaps you could talk to her about being tolerant of others - even though they maybe be very different to us.

Thank you, this is very helpful actually. I do use this already for her future. This is what I've said to her today "In life, there is going to be people who you do not like and won't get on with. This is ok. But does Chloe think she can be REALLY brave and share the car with [male teacher]". 

I've also said that her staff is there to help her and to keep her safe, how much fun she will have annoying the teachers in the car (she shared the car 2 years ago with the same student and the male teacher. The other student put on screaming goat noises and songs the whole way there and back. Sorry to the teachers but they all found it funny). Also that she does not need to spend the day with the male staff, and can do her own thing if she would like to. 

I've also said that when she gets home, she can watch Criminal Minds in her bedroom (we always use a preferred activity after a non-preferred one as an incentive/reward). And after such a long day, it's gives her time by herself to decompress and process everything. 

If Chloe and the other student get along as well as you say, is it possible that this will help to distract her and take her mind off the male member of staff being in the front passenger seat?

As you have said Chloe loves theme parks, it would be such a shame for her if she pulls out of the trip.

Is there some way you can 'sell' the idea of her sharing a car with the male staff member? As she progresses through life, there's a high probability that she will encounter people that she doesn't want to be around, which she may not be able to do anything about. Do you think Chloe might be more willing to share a car with the male member of staff if you were to put a positive spin on it?

For example, "If you can cope with sharing a car with [male staff member] for part of your day, then you might find it easier to cope with other challenging situations in the future." If you remind Chloe that she will be in the car with her friend, it might help to make the situation seem more palatable.

I'm clutching at straws here and thinking of a possible solution off the top of my head, so feel free to dismiss my suggestion.