Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
We have recently noticed a change with my BIL particularly with regard to behaviour and communication. Hes 27 and lives at home with his parents (always has). He is one of 3 boys (including my husband, and i would be lying if i said they all were not spoiled through childhood, by that i mean no household responsibilities, waited on, etc.
However, recently they have been navigating a house move which brings considerable stress. My MIL has said she woud like for her and her husband to travel as they have not been away alone for over 27 years.
My brother in law refuses. And states he will be going. My husband tries to intervene, however hes responded to with foul language and i believe by that stage people just wish to difuse a situation.
I suppose im wondering is there anything we can do to support the transition? I would like to this this wpuld lead to conversation around moving out, or for future plans (eg after parent death) as they have never been discussed. I am trying to mitigate any major family fallout
Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated.
Yellow tree 118 said:he has been permanently disabled for the rest of his life.
The OP never said he was disabled or autistic though.
Assuming he in NT, I would advocate the blunt approach and tell him he has until a set date to find himself a new place or he will be evicted. He has no rights that I am aware of (ie no rent contract) and he has been given ample time and opportunity ro sort himself out.
He sounds like a spoiled brat if he is NT.
However, if her is autistic then he has a different set of needs and is likely to need someone to help him with the transition. A therapist to help him with the anxiety and dealing with change, a practical person (think project manager) to help him plan the move and understand what is going to happen, and finally some support for him post move if he is unable to deal with life on his own.
Ultimately the issue is one for the parents to address - they are the authority in the family and the technically responsible people for the property so they will need to take the steps to evict him if needed.
The therapist is probably also the person best suited to discuss the "what about future plans / death etc" questions.
And he is autistic. The person who created the post clearly stated this. Why would they be making a post about their brother in law on a forum for autistic advice if he wasn’t autistic? Lol
Yellow tree 118 said:Why would they be making a post about their brother in law on a forum for autistic advice if he wasn’t autistic? Lol
It is quite possibld the poster is autistic, doesn't understand relationships well and is looking for advice as an autist. They never specified if he was autistic and I would be an ass to just assume (pointed out by others in the past on this very forum).
Yellow tree 118 said:I will never forgive her.
I'm sorry this was you experience. The OP points out how spoiled the family were by the parents so it does not feel relevant to their situation / question.
Yellow tree 118 said:Well of course he is unable to deal with life on his own I mean he is disabled.
Read the other posts from the OP - they do not describe him as having significant need for support, hence my recommendation of looking at ways to get over his spoiled brat meets autistic issues behaviour.
I took time to listen to their needs, ask questions to get the appropriate context and offer a possible way forward. It may not feel good because of your personal trauma but I stand by my advice based on what was asked for.
The alternative would be for the parents to have to give up all of the remainder of their lives to look after the son when it appears he has the capacity to be able to be independent. Is it fair for 2 people who have already sacreficed so much to endure this until they die? That, my friend, is brutal and cold.